HOW TO COPE WITH ABUSE
By: Sam Vaknin

April 29, 2004

Dear Readers, and one more excellent submission from Dr. Sam...  Dr. Irene

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term
abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner
homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion,
reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males - but a significant minority are women.
This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for
generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today,
society - for instance, through the court and the mental health systems -
largely
ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of
shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Violence in the family is mostly spousal - one spouse beating, raping, or
otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and
often victims - either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial
groups include the elderly and the disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and
economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated
and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk.
It is a universal phenomenon.

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"),
manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount
to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of
gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally
honest,
with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There
is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is
long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You
have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing,
beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating,
exploiting,
ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal
abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature
reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood)
was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing
predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the
remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and
difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its
looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort
to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people
and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are
extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing
control
over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of
one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that
something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or
its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are
mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally
means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you
cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser
resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a
partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally.
This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the
abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of
his nearest and dearest - by shattering the rest of their world through his
seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives -
by
destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational
actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections,
preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the
disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the
slightest
slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence
against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any
discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he
would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if
need
be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily
applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness
and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed - on the
abuser - are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and
capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste
some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people - the abuser
attacks the
very foundations human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers -
they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most
susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological,
verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with
bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and
colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first
transgression.

Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on
the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential
victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert
it
"to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he
gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he
obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather
intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,
priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and
resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or
highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure
that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only
ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself,
wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no
matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised
of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe
than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family
members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in
short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and
otherwise
manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans
to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And
he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is
inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of
embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even
physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become
the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform
them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by
the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into
the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of
traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the
irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.
This
is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth
and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even
more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is
considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.




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