What's Wrong With My Boundaries?
by Dr. Irene


Boundaries distinguish each individual's "territory," the place where
personal responsibility begins and ends. The self is the the only area over
which an
individual has any control. Angry people and codependent people both have weak
boundaries. They do not control themselves. This is unfortunate. Loss of
boundaries, loss of control, loss of choice, loss of freedom, loss of self...are
a
package deal.

You are personally responsible for everything inside the boundaries that
define "me" from "not me." Everything! You are responsible for your feelings,
your
values, your behavior, your thoughts, choices, insights, beliefs, limits -
everything! That is fortunate. Why wouldn't you want to have control? Would you
trust someone else to raise your children? To choose your wardrobe, your
furnishings, or your mate? To run your business, your home, or your marriage?

Because you set the limits, you are personally responsible for protecting
yourself. Your duty to yourself and to your Maker is to take care of yourself
and
not allow others to trespass. This includes cultivating your ability to say
"no," to others even if your actions disappoint them or hurt them. The good
news is that since you are responsible for yourself, other adults are
responsible
for themselves. Always! They have to deal with your limits. You have to deal
with theirs. People have a real hard time with this concept.

Common Boundary Questions

Isn't it my responsibility to make my partner happy?
Isn't it selfish to set limits with others?
How can I set limits and still be a "good" person?
Why do I feel guilty when I try to set limits?
Sometimes I know what's best for my partner. Isn't it my job to care for
them?

Lets take them in order:

Isn't it my responsibility to make my partner happy? No. Not only isn't it
your responsibility to "make" another happy (or miserable, or anything else),
but you simply can't do it. You don't have that kind of power. (Unless, of
course, your partner gives it to you.)

Go out of your way to treat your partner well! Knock yourself out...do all
sorts of wonderful things! However, despite what you do, you are only
responsible for your own feelings. Your duty to yourself is to be aware of your
own
motivation and expectations, your delivery, how you feel, and everything else
about your actions. Your partner's reaction to you is your partner's
responsibility. Even if they try to pin their reaction on your actions, their
reaction is
their responsibility. Period. End of story. For example, a verbally abusive
husband who spends much of his time trying to create a safe environment for
himself by controlling his wife (and treating her poorly in the process) is not
responsible for his wife's feelings. She is. She lets him violate her
boundaries.
Now the pair can continue their mutual boundary violation ad nauseum: he can
blame her for his woes and she can guilt him for hers. And on and on the story
goes...

In reality however, the abusive husband ultimately answers only to himself
and to his Maker. The usual price is the loss of self, the loss of inner peace,
symptoms, etc. The wife, who discounts her feelings and makes excuses for her
husband's mis-behaviors, is also responsible to herself and her Maker. She
pays much the same price for selling out.

With or without self-awareness, each person has chosen to put themselves in
the position they are in. When the angry husband is mad that his "ungrateful"
wife did not react to his kind efforts as per his expectations, that is his
problem. If his wife allows him to make it her problems, that is her problem.
This co-dependent relationship style really complicates matters. According to
these assumptions, the couple might seek marital counseling so the wife can
learn
to be appreciative of her husband's kind acts. There is an assumption that
there is something wrong with her for being unappreciative.

Each person is obligated to live up to their partner's expectations - for
their partner's emotional well being. This is analogous to Jean asking Paul to
do
her laundry and Paul asking Jean to do his. Paul has to remember that her
pure cottons never go in the dryer and get lightly starched. Jean has to
remember
that Paul's dress slacks only get dry cleaned. Will she get mad if he missed
a pure cotton? Will she think he messed it up on purpose? Did he? Does she get
back at him by throwing a silk tie into the washer? Yuk, yuk, yuk! Does this
make any sense? Wouldn't it be much easier if each person simply did their
own laundry?

Isn't it selfish to set limits? No, no, no. In fact, it is destructive not to
set limits. Who will take care of you if you don't? Who knows more about what
you need, or don't need, than you do? It is unfortunate that the word
"selfish" has such a bad connotation. Perhaps we need to think in terms of
"selfcaring." Then we may more appropriately ask, "Isn't it self caring to set
limits?"
You bet!

How can I set limits and still be a "good" person? How can you not? By the
way, what is a "good" person? (The word I prefer is "integrity.") How do you
feel when you've been sooo good, that you have been taken advantage of? Do you
hide your angry, resentful feelings, smile and pretend - often even to yourself
- that all is OK? Or, do you let your anger out on the next poor soul who
crosses your path? How can you possibly feel good about yourself if you carry so
much luggage?

Why do I feel guilty when I try to set limits. Because you are well-trained
to believe that it is your responsibility not to disappoint others, to please,
protect, "make" them like you, etc. There are cognitive techniques that can
effectively help stamp out irrational guilt.

Not all guilt is irrational. Each situation needs to be examined. What is the
individual's underlying motivation? An example is the jealous, insecure
husband who did not want his pretty wife attracting male attention in his flashy
convertible. He "set limits" on her use of his car despite his not needing it
and despite her responsible driving record. Since he was trying to control, he
has every reason to feel guilty (assuming Mr. Ego would ever admit it).

Sometimes I know what's best for my partner. Isn't it my job to care for
them? Absolutely not! Care about your partner; do not care for them. Big
difference! They have the right to make their own choices, including choices
that you
believe are wrong. You may state your opinion once, even twice. Then you need
to drop it. Stop trying to control them, fix them, guide them. Spend your
energy controlling yourself, including learning to tolerate your partner's
choices.
You don't have to agree with your partner's position. You do have to respect
it.

Roger's Rotten Boundaries

Controlling Roger was dating Stephanie, a codependent lady who was crazy
about him. One of Roger's numerous and ever increasing complaints about her had
to
do with her hairstyle. Roger found it dull. Eager to please, Stephanie let
Roger choose a new cut and color for her. Stephanie's hair was more important to
Roger than it was to Stephanie - since Roger saw Stephanie as a reflection of
himself. One day Roger took Stephanie to a function where she met many of his
friends. Although Stephanie was lovely and well-coiffed, Roger felt
embarrassed that she was not more beautiful, stylish, outgoing and social. Roger
thought Stephanie made him look bad! He felt diminished in his friend's eyes and
angry at Stephanie.

Here is where Roger's boundaries failed: He does not like Stephanie's
reserved style - and wants to change it. (He's allowed not to like it and even
let
her know that. Nevertheless, Stephanie's style is Stephanie's business despite
her active participation in making it Roger's business.)
He makes a host of unfounded assumptions he places on himself and others.
(Irrational thinking, Rog.)
He feels better about himself when he thinks his friends are impressed. (Who
cares what they think! Roger, what do you think?)


Roger would serve himself better by concerning himself with his own issues.
Specifically what bothers him in his relationship with Stephanie? (Guaranteed
it has little to do with hair and personal style.)
What is his motivation in dating Stephanie?
What are his thoughts and feelings?
Is he in control of their expression?


Later, Roger began recognizing some stuff:

That Stephanie was not right for him - and why she was not. Although Roger
knew it all along, he did not trust his feelings and could not put them in
perspective. He confused himself, mixing up legitimate inner impulses with
defensive inconsequentials (such as her hair), and giving all equal weight!

He is slowly recognizing that what really bothered him about Stephanie was
her lack of boundaries, i.e., her inability to recognize her limits and stick to
them - no matter what (as in "True to thyne own self"). He simply didn't
trust her. And, his mistrust was not unfounded. How could he trust an individual
who sells out? Despite her best intentions, her position on any given issue may
change anytime! There is little basis for emotional trust, despite the fact
that she is a trustworthy individual.

As Roger's boundaries firm up, he can begin to remove blame he puts on
himself - blame that does not belong to him. Specifically, he can dump his
notion
that there is something wrong with him for being unable to love a great gal (she
is) who (still) adores him. Yes, there is "something wrong," but it is not
what he thought, and its not all about him.

Roger continues to work on self-awareness and self-control. He's much better
at self-acceptance these days. No longer needing to kick himself as much as he
used to for having thoughts and feelings he hates (he can own his negative
stuff!), he opened the door to his inner-self. As his inner impulses become more
and more accessible, he can begin to know.

Roger: never forget that trust is the cornerstone of love. You never really
were that far off base with Stephanie - or with mom - were you? But, trust
really resides in the self...

As you take charge of yourself, you no longer rely on others for emotional
"trustability." It doesn't matter what anyone tries to dump on you. You simply
don't take it.

As your boundaries develop, other people's boundaries no longer matter...




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