Awakening With The Enemy
by Mark Dillof

"Life is a hospital in which all of the patients are continually
trying to change beds." -- Baudelaire

When we are alone we might feel tormented by the emptiness of our
existence. We are saddened by life's loneliness, and are driven by an
emotional hunger. We feel unreal. We suspect that something is
missing from life, and we believe that our hunger will be satisfied
by inviting another person into our life, so we enter into a
relationship.

How ironic existence is! We are no longer lonely, but now we are
plagued by disagreements, beset by responsibilities. As if this isn't
enough, we must deal with our spouse's family. The gods have played a
joke on us. The negative dimension of our life, which we experience
as suffering, is equivalent to what it was prior to the relationship,
even though our present problems are different from our former ones.

The effort to eradicate our difficulties merely serves to change the
nature of them. This phenomenon operates in all dimensions of human
existence, not just in relationships. If we are anxious, we seek a
secure life. If we are secure, we are soon bored. Without funds, we
feel the sting of poverty, but if we get rich, we suspect that people
like us only for our money.

This phenomenon has been noted by thinkers throughout the ages. In
ancient Greece, Epictetus inquired: "What is it about life that there
is always something missing?" Mark Twain observed: "Life is one damn
thing after another." The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said
there is a void in each of us which must be filled with suffering.
Solving one problem thus causes a new one to take its place.
Sometimes a big problem will be replaced by several small ones.

We call this phenomenon, in which the negative dimension of life is
present both before and after we make changes, the Conservation of
Suffering. We use the word "conservation" because physicists use the
phrase, "conservation of energy, or of matter" to indicate that
matter or energy can be neither created nor destroyed. Only the form
of energy or matter changes. The same is true of suffering.

Erotic love appears as an antidote to the lack that we experience
about our life. It promises to end our suffering. It fails to do so,
but serves as a catalyst to transform our suffering into new forms.
Similarly, in changing from one romantic attachment to another, our
suffering is transformed. For example, a man's wife may be a serious,
mature woman, but then he finds himself bored by her. He divorces her
and marries an immature, irresponsible "baby" who cannot even balance
the checkbook. Feeling burdened by her, he sees that the nature of
his suffering has changed, but the quantity of his suffering has
remained constant.

We see how the negative undergoes transmutation, yet is conserved. By
grasping this principle, we are not deceived into thinking that a new
type of relationship will free us from suffering. When we turn away
from the hope deriving from superficial change, our lives can be
transformed.

What is the origin of this dreadful -- but monstrously elegant and
divinely comical -- Conservation of Suffering phenomenon? Its origin
is our ignorance that the criteria of what it means to be -- physical
existence, recognition, infinitude, and identity -- are antinomic.
(An antinomy is a contradiction that cannot be resolved by dropping
any of the terms and, therefore, cannot be avoided.) Our ignorance
gives us hope and drives us to seek new variations of the same
solution, the same contradictory answer to the question of how to be.
We wander for years through life's maze of false solutions, until our
time finally runs out. This has been the fate of countless people. We
are deluding ourselves if we think that, in spite of maintaining our
ignorance, we shall be an exception.

The only way to escape from the maze is to uncover, not only the
special characteristics of our own particular answer, but the hidden
question to which our life is an answer. Seeing the antinomic nature
of what we seek releases us from the conservation of suffering. This
release is akin to awakening from a long dream.

Waking up Together
"Life is a dream." - Calderon de Ca Barca

The togetherness that we desire in a relationship is founded
on "sleeping together". The phrase is appropriate because the couple
sinks into an unconscious "dance" or interaction. "Dreaming together"
more accurately describes this interaction. Before long, our sleep is
disturbed as the dream that initially seemed appealing becomes
increasingly darkened by shadows. The relationship is not working.
Conflicts have emerged.

When we first analyze relationship conflicts, it seems that if each
person would try to be more reasonable, the problems could be solved.
However, even if people try valiantly to solve their problems,
negativities inevitably persist. It is like fighting a hydra-headed
monster: cutting off one head causes new ones to appear in its place.
Similarly, solving one problem invariably causes new problems to
appear. We are dealing with something more formidable than we had
initially imagined.

If our analysis penetrates to the core of our conflict, we see that
it is not fundamentally due to clashing personalities. It has a more
universal origin -- the contradictions, or antinomies, inherent in
the masculine and feminine visions of life. Some writers on the
subject of relationship problems would seem to agree with what we are
stating, up to a point. They recommend that we understand how the
opposite sex feels and thinks, but then they suggest that by doing so
we can accommodate our partner's needs. Obviously, if this popular
advice really worked the incidence of broken hearts and broken homes
would show signs of decreasing, but the divorce rate keeps rising;
the war of the sexes rages on just as fiercely as ever.

Accommodation fails to take into account the antinomic nature of the
effort to be, the contradictions of the masculine and feminine
visions of life. Even if we give our partner exactly what he or she
claims to want, at any given time, our partner will now be
dissatisfied for opposite reasons. This is because we are beings with
antinomic desires; consequently we want opposite things -- for
example, to be given direction, but also to be treated as independent
and we demand both from our partner at the same time.

Perceiving the impossible leads to disenchantment, but this step is
requisite for awakening. It is possible for two people to awaken
together. Doing so, they will be infinitely closer than when they
merely slept together.

We have much more to say about "waking up" but we must add a caveat.
To wake up requires more than intellectual knowledge. Abstract
knowledge that our efforts are impossible is insufficient to rouse us
from sleep. The antinomy must be experienced in our bones. This
requires insight into our own experience and that of other people.
Then perhaps lightning will flash, the heart will perceive its own
inner landscape, and we shall be free.

Notes:
1. Erotic love is love based on lack. It is what makes opposites
attract, since we love what we lack. This is the type of love that
people refer to when they speak of falling in love or of romance.
Common parlance mistakenly takes "erotic" to mean sexual.
2. The word "being" is a synonym for "real". When we use the
phrase "to be", italicized in this fashion, it is an abbreviation of
to be real or to be a real self.

This article is excerpted from the book Awakening with the Enemy: The
Origin and End of Male/Female Conflict, © 2000, by Mark Dillof.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Philosophy Clinic Press.
www.thephilosophyclinic.com

About The Author:
Mark Dillof, M.A., founded The Philosophy Clinic which offers
counseling to people in search of deeper questions. It also offers
workshops and retreats on a variety of mind-expanding topics.
Workshops focus on illuminating the profound meaning of everyday
interests and activities in such areas as relationships, career and
work, and eating for full-fillment. For more information about Mark
Dillof's counseling and The Philosophy Clinic's workshops go to the
website: www.thephilosophyclinic.com or e-mail Mark at:
mdillof@...