You may instinctually be gentle with others when they are in pain or need
comfort. Yet, when it comes to yourself, you may be at a complete loss of how to
be gentle with yourself. You may feel completely undeserving of gentleness and
compassion. Tell yourself, whether you truly believe it or not, that you
deserve compassion. You have been through far too much pain and suffering
already.
You  deserve to have only gentleness and love from here on in. Repeat this to
yourself often throughout the course of each day, eventually you will come to
believe those words. Below is a list of gentle things you can do for yourself
to help you through your pain:  

Accept where you are in your process.

This means affirming to yourself: "I am in pain right now. There are many
things that have wounded me deeply. These wounds have not yet healed; it is okay
to feel this pain. Getting in touch with my pain, feeling it, and sitting with
it for a time is what will lead me to heal. I will be okay, even though I may
not feel like I am okay right now: I will be okay."
 

Allow yourself to feel that pain.

Don't run away from your pain or try to cover it up with other issues and
addictions. Connect with the hurting inside yourself. Remember that you must
walk
through the pain in order to truly heal. You will get to the other side. You
will survive: you will thrive!

 
Quiet the critic in your head.

Tell the critical voice inside yourself that you have heard enough from it.
Teach it to respect you. Tell your critical voice that you will no longer
listen to its hurtful messages. Tell it that you will only be listening to the
soft
loving voice of your heart instead. Then connect with the voice in your
heart. What does it tell you about your pain? What things does it suggest you
do?
In what direction does your heart guide you? Does it tell you to honor your
process? Does it tell you to be true to your inner feelings and spend time with
them? Does it tell you to give yourself a break from them by taking a peaceful
walk or listening to music?

 
Cry-it soothes the pain.

Just curl up in a comfortable spot and cry your heart out. You most likely
have a lot of tears in you that have never been cried. Now that the dam of
anorexia is no longer blocking your tears, you are free to cry them. Crying
ensures
that your spirit does not drown; crying can begin to set you free.

 
Cuddle with a soft teddy bear.

No one is ever too old for the comfort offered by a plush stuffed animal. If
you don't have one, go to a store and look for one that looks friendly and
loving. A stuffed animal can be especially comforting if your pain of the moment
is related to your childhood. Even if your pain is connected solidly to the
present, the stuffed animal can help you to feel safe and comforted. Remind
yourself that you deserve tenderness and comfort.

 
Call someone who will be gentle with you and talk to them.

Call your therapist or a close friend --- someone who will listen without
judging you, someone you can say just about anything to. Call someone who can
hear your cracking, crying voice and soothe you. Talk with someone who can
reassure you that it really will be okay again. Let them provide reassurance
that
you can and will get through this.  Sometimes pain can be opaque and we cannot
see the brighter skies that lie ahead. It helps to have someone who can see
those bright skies and assure you that they are there.

 
Go outside and take a walk.

Smell the flowers, listen to the sweet sound of the singing birds. Lift your
face to the sun, close your eyes and feel it warm your face. If it is
wintertime, notice how the sun sparkles on the blanket of soft white snow
covering the
earth. Feel the crisp air as it touches your skin. Go to a park and watch
children sledding on the snow or skating on the ice. Remind yourself that there
is a world beyond your pain; that you will not get lost forever in its depths
--- you will resurface.

 
Buy yourself a card.

Go into any card or gift shop and look for a card under the section entitled
encouragement. Read each card in this section and choose the one that offers
you the most hope and comfort. Choose the one inscribed with the message that
you like best. Bring it home with you and read it often. Keep it with you
wherever you go, so that you may pull it out at a moment's notice and read its
tender words.

 
Buy yourself flowers.

Choose or create an arrangement that makes you feel peaceful inside, one that
has all of your favorite flowers and colors. Bring it home and put it where
you can see it all day. Smell the flowers often. Touch the soft petals and
admire them. They are beautiful  --- just like you.

 
Play music that soothes your aching heart.

Perhaps it is soft tender music that makes you feel calm and relaxed. Maybe
it is music that helps you to cry so that you may begin to release some of your
pain. Perhaps it is lively music that lifts you slightly and helps you attain
a new perspective.

 
Have someone you trust make a tape for you.

This person could be your therapist or a close friend. The tape could be a
relaxation tape with exercises for you to do, or it could simply be their voice
encouraging you, and offering you support and hope. Listen to the tape
whenever you feel sad and alone. Listen to it whenever you need comfort. Listen
to it
as often and as many times as you need to.

 
Keep a picture of someone who is important to you and who cares about
you.

Look at the picture and remind yourself that this person cares about you and
how you are doing. Keep it with you so that you can look at it whenever you
like. Sometimes a picture can help you to feel as though that person is there
with you in your pain. It can help you feel less alone in the world.

 
Write down a list of nice or comforting things people have said to you.

Keep adding to this list and keep it in a place where you can read it often.
Sometimes writing down the exact words people have said will help you remember
the sound of their voice when they said it to you. Many times this vivid
memory will bring you the same kind of comfort you felt when it was said to you.

 
Have your therapist or one of your friends write something to you that
will give you hope.

Something that will tell you that you are not alone, and that you are cared
about. Seek solace in these written words whenever you need to.

 
Go somewhere where you can just scream.

Sometimes certain kinds of pain can make you feel like screaming. Go ahead.
If your pain is begging you to scream it out, then when alone scream in the
woods, in your house, or in your car with the music turned up. Let it out ---
it's okay.


  Go to a glass recycling plant and break bottles.

Many glass recycling plants will allow you to do this. You can throw bottles
against a wall and yell while you smash them. Sometimes shouting eases the
heartache. You may choose to do this by yourself or you may choose to bring a
friend along with you. If you are with a friend, the two of you can yell
together
and support each other.

 
Find a sound that expresses your pain.

What does your pain sound like? Perhaps it is a sobbing, a wild scream, a
throaty yell, a long agonizing wail, or all of these. Do you feel like dropping
to your knees, throwing your head back and wailing up to the sky? Then do it.
It's ok to find creative ways of expressing your pain. Let your pain emerge
from your body, whatever sound comes to you naturally --- let it out.

 
Seek solace in your own artistic expression.

Use paints, pastel chalk, crayons, or markers to draw pictures or designs
that convey how you feel. Perhaps it will be a mix of colors that symbolize your
emotions. Many people use red to express anger and rage, and black to express
hopelessness and despair. Certain shades of blue might be used to convey
sadness. Which colors are you using? What do they mean to you? Perhaps you would
like to bring your work into therapy to talk about what each color symbolizes
for you and what you were thinking and feeling as you created this particular
piece.

 
Write a poem that describes your feelings at the moment.

Compose a poem that in some way addresses the memories or experiences that
cause you this pain. You may choose to share it with a friend, loved one or your
therapist, or you may choose to keep it for yourself.

 
Confide in the pages of your journal.

Pour your heart out into its pages. Bear your soul. Write about the things
that torment your being.  Let your thoughts and feelings flow from the end of
your pen and form into expressive words. Sometimes writing about your thoughts
and feelings can provide you with tremendous relief. Many people find that they
can write things that they cannot say. Maybe you would like to share your
writing with someone close to you. Perhaps you would like to bring it into
therapy with you. Sometimes it helps to feel as though at least one other person
in
the world knows how you are feeling.

 
Risk --- try telling another person how you feel while you are feeling
that way.

Share your secrets, your heartache, and your shame with a safe person in a
safe environment,  perhaps in therapy. It is truly an amazing experience to
share your inner most self with someone and find out that they will not walk a
way
from you. It can be a frightening thing to do, but the rewards can be
incredible, too. Perhaps you would like to try.

 
Think about how your friends cope with pain.

Is there anyone who does something especially kind for him/herself when s/he
is hurting? Would you like to try doing that particular thing for yourself?
Add ideas to this list as you go along, don't be afraid to try new things.
Sometimes taking risks and trying new things, although scary, can be a gentle
act
of self-care.

Perhaps you have obligations that you must meet, which prevent you from
allowing yourself to fully experience your feelings. Promise your heart that you
will attend to it later. Imagine wrapping it in a soft, warm blanket to keep it
safe and comfortable until you are able to come back, and spend time with it
while tenderly attending to its wounds.Remember pain requires time in order to
heal. Some pain requires more healing time than others. Promise yourself that
you will walk through it no matter how long it takes. There is light at the
end of the path; there is wellness. Pain is an inevitable part of living and
loving in this world. Remember that all pain is legitimate and has a purpose. So
many times we do not feel entitled to our pain and feelings. Not feeling
entitled leads us to push them away, reject them, or bury them. You are entitled
to
all of your feelings; embrace them. They are what make you whole.

Something to hold on to:

As you walk the road to recovery you may find yourself getting tired. At
times your life may feel too difficult. I wish it was possible to make the
landscape of your life brighter, smoother, and filled with more flowers. If I
could
make the terrain you walk on gentler, I would in a moment. You are a beautiful
soul who does not deserve to be in such agony. You deserve to have all the
glistening things in life. Hold on to the fact that there is light, even when
you
cannot see it.  Hold on to the fact that it is possible to lead a full life,
even though your own may feel empty at this moment. Not knowing what to do at
times, and struggling and trying to figure out what to do is the very thing
that will lead you to freedom.

If you look inside your heart, really look, you will see a beautiful person
with a kind and gentle soul. You will see a person who needs comfort, a person
who needs you. As you search around in your heart, you will find the warrior
spirit and courage that you need to win this battle. You will find the courage
to face your demons and triumph over them. You will walk through your pain.
Remember that you bless this world and make it a more beautiful place to live
in.These are things you must tuck away and remember from time to time when the
pain feels too unbearable. It is possible to have hope and soul shattering pain
at the same time. Keep fighting and never give up. You are too valuable, too
special. Know that you are not alone:  there are other warrior sisters who are
walking with you in spirit.

1997 by Monika H. Ostroff




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One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
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