Understanding Codependency 1

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a
guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru
supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study.
Every morning, he asked her the same question, "Have you learned everything
there
is to know yet?" Each morning her answer was the same; "No," she said, "I
haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.

This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave,
asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her
in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the
assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked
up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said,
"You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know." "How's that?"
the woman asked. "You have learned that you will never learn everything there
is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain. "


Codependency

co·de·pen·den·cy [k di péndnsee ] or co·de·pen·dence [k di péndns ] noun

1. mutual need: the dependence of two people, groups, or organisms on each
other, especially when this reinforces mutually harmful behavior patterns

2. COUNSELLING relationship of mutual need: a situation in which one person
feels a need to be needed by another person, for example, the partner of an
alcoholic or a parent of a drug-addicted child

co·de·pen·dent noun adjective


Jill's Story

Jill came for counseling about her relationship with her mother. Jill's
mother was big on 'duty', 'obligation', favoring some children and grandchildren
over others, insisting that if her daughter really loved her she would, of
course, and be happy to visit her each week, phone every second day at least
(every
day if she were traveling). Jill's maternal grandmother was still alive, and
Jill's mother visited her mother every week regularly, phoned every second day
etc. etc. but often complained about it all... (Jill's mother, by the way,
was an only child; and both her mother and grandmother had 'problems' with the
men in their lives). Another feature of Jill's upbringing was 'Secrets'. No one
outside the family was to know about family matters - and secrets were kept
from Jill and/or her brother as well.

Jill said to me, 'I feel as if I've never been allowed to grow up. My mother
wants to know everything about my life, and won't let me be an autonomous,
independent person. I love her, and am grateful for a lot about my protective
upbringing, but how can I extricate myself from my mother without rejecting her?
I'm scared of her. She doesn't know the old saying "Give them roots, then give
them wings"!'

'Do I have to go out to work to have a "busy" excuse? Or move away to another
town? My mother's 65, and my grandmother's 86. Is that too late for them to
change?'


Recovery and Healing

Codependency is all about projecting our unmet needs onto another. We might
'love' them, yes, but it's 'need-love' rather than 'gift-love'. 'I love you so
that you will meet my needs'. So one is treated as an object, rather than as
an autonomous person. Recovery or healing is the process whereby we find our
true selves apart from the person we are 'enmeshed' with.


Codependent persons often say things that imply 'I'm the way I am because of
you. You are the problem. Why can't you change? You are so...'


Just about every 'codependent' person I've counseled comes from a
'dysfunctional' family. A dysfunctional family is characterised by some of the
following:

* children have to follow rules like 'Don't feel, don't trust, don't tell'

* emotions are either expressed violently, with a lot of anger, (e.g 'Don't
you cry or I'll give you something to cry about!'); or they are repressed

* there is a lack of real/healthy intimacy

* children feel they have to meet adults' needs

* there may be emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse - or neglect

* 'perfectionism' may be a factor in Christian homes

* there are lots of rigid rules, and punishments. Sometimes these rules are
arbitrary - not easily understood, or they change without warning

* there is a 'strictness' sometimes about what to believe and what not to
believe. Truth is black and white

* the 'silent treatment' may be common

* you must keep family secrets; there is a lot of denial

* 'triangulation' may occur, where one family member is used as a go-between

* there is a 'victim' or 'martyr' syndrome: 'I'm feeling bad so it's your /
someone else's fault'

* personal boundaries are not clearly defined, accepted or respected

* 'masks' are worn to impress the right people

* 'control' is big!

* children in these situations cope by becoming perfectionists, or pleasers,
or clowns, or scapegoats to deflect the family tensions


* adults from dysfunctional families may be workaholics (until their midlife
crisis!), or solitary/lost and drifting through life, controllers, addicted to
alcohol or other substances, having low self-esteem, unable to handle stress
etc.

* you learn that it's unsafe to trust any / too many people

* there's not much fun; sometimes not many happy times with visitors.

* everything one does, thinks, or says is judged by someone else's standards
-- nothing is done, said, or thought "Good Enough".

* you do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is
both OKAY and NORMAL.

* you do not know that it is OKAY to talk about problems outside the family;
or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share them than to deny,
minimize or justify them.


Adult Children

One of the common by-products of dysfunctional families is that they produce
'adult children.' I found this somewhere: 'Each of us begins life as a
vulnerable child, dependent upon our parents. If our parents are healthy and
secure
individuals with good parenting skills, then we will have a good chance of
emerging into adulthood as secure, happy individuals. But if our parents were
individuals who suffered from compulsive or addictive patterns, their messages
and
behaviors to us were likely to be inconsistent, confusing or even damaging.
Perhaps they lavished us with love and attention one day and ignored or
rejected us the next.

Being unable to cope themselves, such parents may have expected us to take on
adult responsibilities well in advance of adulthood, or to care for, protect
or make decisions for them and other family members. We usually felt woefully
inadequate and confused under such pressures. Instead of being encouraged to
be children, gradually maturing to welcome adult challenges, we may have
reached adulthood with little understanding of the maturing process. We may
reexperience feelings of being overwhelmed, helpless or resentful under the
ordinary
stresses of adult life. We are "adult children": we have the bodies of adults,
the responsibilities, drives and goals of adults, but the unprocessed emotions
of small, dependent children.'


Enmeshment

A common feature of codependent relationships is 'Enmeshment'. In a healthy
relationship, each person is valued as an individual. Each has his/her
uniqueness to contribute to the relationship and to the world. Therefore, each
person
has his or her own thoughts and feelings and each takes responsibility for his
or her actions. Enmeshment is when one person or partner tries to influence
the thinking of the other or wants the other to have exactly the same feelings.
Enmeshment is attempting to feel and think as if you were the same person.

Recovery involves re-shaping our thinking, allowing ourselves to truly feel
our feelings, taking responsibility for our own behaviors, and experiencing
God's love, healing and forgiveness. It begins with an 'aha' experience: 'I have
a problem. But I am not prepared to go on living like this! I need help!'

When you change your thinking you are moving from 'blaming' to 'repenting';
from 'I have a problem and it's _____'s fault' to 'I will accept responsibility
for who I am or what I've done or the feelings I have about...' 'You'
statements ('You don't care!' 'Your behavior is causing me to be like this'
etc.)
change to 'I' statements. 'I accept responsibility for my own feelings and
behavior.'

One of the areas we have to examine is the 'software' for living in our brain
put there by significant people in our past. We are open to 'changing the
tapes', living by another script! I don't have to agree with everything my
mother
/ father / partner says...I don't have to be steadfastly loyal --
particularly when the loyalty is unjustified, and personally harmful.


Recovery and Relationships

Many relationships break up when one member of the couple goes into recovery.
This happens for a number of reasons.

Problems which were basic to the relationship may have been previously
medicated away through the use of chemicals, overwork, or food. Without this
addictive medication problems can erupt. Since the couple has not had
experienced
handling problems before, these differences seem insurmountable, and perhaps
they
are.

Another reason why couples go into crisis during recovery is that, as long as
there was an addiction, everyone knew their role. One person was the
addicted, acting out, contrite, messedup one. The other person was the
responsible, in
control, judgmental, long suffering martyr.

When one person stops becoming the problem, the reason for everyone's
unhappiness, then everyone has to adjust. Unfortunately, often what happens is
that
the responsible, non-addicted one begins to hope that finally she or he will
get their needs met. They will finally get the reward they have waited for so
long. Their expectations soar. The person newly in recovery can barely get
dressed in the morning, let alone meet anyone else's needs. Long buried rage
from
the long suffering one, and confused rage from the recovering one flare into
arguments, and often separation.

But there is hope. Here are ten rules for living together in recovery. They
are not guarantees, but they can help both of you find out if you do have a
viable relationship, and prevent you from killing each other during that
discovery process.

RULE #1 You cannot change anyone else.

Give up thinking that, if only she or he stopped doing this or that, then you
would be happy. It is not true. You can do nothing to control, manipulate or
coerce another person to acting in a way you think should make you happy.
Simply give it up. No blaming.

RULE #2 You can change your behavior.

Your emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, all are not really under your
control. But your behavior is, and your behavior is all you are really
responsible for. Change yourself.

RULE #3 -- Changing your behavior, over time, may lead to a change in
attitude.

It is strange how that happens, but some things you thought you could never
stand, seem to lose their importance if you stop feeding them by acting on
them. Don't lose hope.

RULE #4 -- Both of you must go into recovery.

You are not responsible for anyone else's addiction, but if you want this
relationship to have any chance you will have to get specific support. That may
mean therapy (couples and individual) and/or support groups. The two of you are
going to have to learn new ways to communicate, argue, and problem solve
together, and that means you can't do it on your own. Get help.

RULE #5 -- Your childhood wasn't as rosy as you fool yourself into thinking
it was.

Everyone learned some dysfunctional ways of relating from their parents.
These old beliefs are entrenched, and very hard to change. That is why you need
feedback from people other than your partner, or your family. Too often you are
reacting just the way your mother or father taught you to react. Learn the
truth.

RULE #6 -- You need to learn how to stand up for your truth in a way which
will not degrade, humiliate, put down, or attack another person.

You do this by owning all your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as your own,
not as something caused by someone else. Don't shame others.

RULE #7 -- Count to twenty before you explode.

Then, just before you let fire, ask yourself if you might not get further
with this issue if you didn't first talk it out with a third party, before
destroying the planet of your partner. Hold back

RULE #8 -- Try using the phrase "I interpret what you are doing as..." rather
than the old stand by, "You make me feel. . . ".

So, "You made me so mad when you slammed the door!" becomes, " I got so mad
when you slammed the door because I interpreted that to mean that you were
pissed off at me!". Your partner can respond," Yes I was mad at you!", or can
respond, " Hey, the wind blew the door closed!" Own your feelings.

RULE #9 -- You have very strong emotions in two circumstances. Either you are
being truly, strongly abused by someone else, or you are painting the face of
a previous abuser onto the face of the person you are with.

This is called projection and it is the primary cause of divorce. If you are
in clear danger, either get away, or at the very least get some professional
counseling. But if you are not in real danger, but keep getting furious at
every little thing she or he does, entertain the possibility that you are
projecting the face of a parent, or old partner onto your present companion.
Just
entertain the idea that it may not be all their fault. Talk about it with some
uninvolved people. Check it out.

RULE #10 -- Take care of your body.

Eat healthy, exercise moderately, soak in a bath, get a massage, be gentle
with yourself. This is a highly stressful time for both partners. So don't try
to be perfect, just try to be a loving parent to yourself. Be gentle with
yourself.


Example: She drives you crazy when she leaves the top off the toothpaste. You
have tried criticisms, nagging, strategic notes, and hiding her toothbrush.
Nothing has changed her behavior.

(Rule #1). You stop saying anything about the top.

(Rule #2). It is very frustrating.

(Rule #9). You look at your anger, in therapy, and in a self help group.

(Rule #4). You become aware how extreme your reaction is to this trifling
detail. In looking at your own childhood you discover how important it was to
keep everything orderly. Without order the top would fly off the family, and
someone would explode. So you learned as a child that order was a matter of
survival.

(Rule #5). You realize that you got angry at that toothpaste top because mess
makes you a little scared. Understanding that, you are more cautious about
which issues you will make a stand on. Anger does stress you out.

(Rule #10). The toothpaste top is not that important.

(Rule #3). But that doesn't mean that there are not cleaning issues which
need to be addressed. Leaving her cloths all over the bedroom floor when she
walks in, that is an issue which the two of you are going to have to work
out.(Rules #6,7,8)


[The above was adapted from an article by David Skibbins]

~~~

Codependency Resources

Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie A good place to begin reading.

Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie A sequel to Codependent No More.

The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie A book of daily stories about
codependence.

The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid-Self Esteem, by John Bradshaw A good
book about emotional abuse that addresses the question, There was no alcohol
or drugs or mental illness in my family of origin, so why am I so mixed up?
This updated version of the original title also addresses how families and
individuals can get healing from dysfunction.

Breaking Free, by Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller A recovery workbook for
Facing Codependence.

Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith
Miller What codependency is, where it comes from, and how it sabotages our
lives.

Family Secrets and Shame

Family Secrets: The Path to Self-Acceptance and Reunion, by John Bradshaw
Explains how secrets within families can so powerfully influence individuals'
lives.

Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw A revealing look at how
toxic shame can lead to many types of very serious individual and familial
problems.

Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families, by John and Linda
Friel Covers how persons who did not grow up in alcoholic familes can still
develop many types of codependent issues.

Inner Child

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw
Using procedures from his workshops, the author shows how to reparent wounds to
one's core self in order to heal.

Healing the Child Within, by Charles L. Whitfield (with a related workbook)

~~~

Rowland Croucher

July 2001.

Note: I am indebted to many sources for this material - some of them
mislaid/forgotten. If any recognition/permission is needed to reproduce original
material, that will be glady acknowledged.

© John Mark Ministries. Articles may be reproduced in any medium, without
applying for permission (provided they are unedited, and retain the original
author/copyright information - and perhaps a reference to this website :-)!

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HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

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empty."
- Unknown


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