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*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.
*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.
*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.
*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.
*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.
*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.
*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.
*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.
*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.
DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION
This is a two-part section. A. is a list of suggestions from "Living with the P.A. Man." that individuals may want to implement in an effort to defuse the passive-aggressive behavior. This is not a complete list, and suggest that you read the book for more detail. Also in this section are suggestions from Dr. Simon from his book, "In Sheep's Clothing." Please refer to that book also for more detail. Part B. are suggestions from the on-line group members on how to cope and protect oneself from the consequences of p.a. behavior.
PART A:
(from "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man")
* Set boundaries, confront obvious lies, unravel ambiguities. Let the p.a. know how far things can go and what is acceptable and unacceptable in how they treat you.
* Be clear about what you want. Communicate that you will not be treated cavalierly or with disrespect. Be specific about what bothers you...Tone is important.so do not be vindictive or authoritarian. Do not use ultimatums you cannot enforce....
* Find a balance between encouraging the p.a.(s) sense of power, independence & choice and supporting him/her when they feel weak and dependent. Remind them that they have a range of options from which to choose, do not force or tell them what to do. Give them the power of choice.
* When dealing with submerged hostility, bring it into the open, convince the p.a. that it is okay to be angry. The p.a. needs help articulating what they are angry about. Do not retaliate. Do not attempt to humor the person out of anger. Use "Feelings Reports" - a description of a person's state of mind.
* Confront the behavior not the character...("I feel," not "you did this.") If this person hurts you let them know. Use tactful confrontation. Be level-headed, do not use wild threats and recriminations.
* Attempt to us "fair fighting." Do not let the p.a. get you off the subject. Help teach this person that they can face trouble and conflict and have both dignity and power.
* To change the p.a. needs an opportunity for trust to develop...let them talk and express themselves. Don't psychoanalyze them or belittle them for not confessing enough. Don't make them feel inferior by giving them examples of how you would say something. Take the little indirect hints they provide about what they want and respond to them. Empathize with how they feel, and don't make your affection contingent on how they behave.
* Do not avoid conflict by playing their game. (p.a.)
* If the p.a. is being especially difficult while out socially, let them know how it effects others. Talk about the issue... If still pouting after your attempts, acknowledge their feelings but discourage the pouting.
+++( the following is from "In Sheep's Clothing" which addresses covert-aggression - see how/why page for an explanation of the difference between p.a. and c.a.)
*ACCEPT NO EXCUSES: don't buy into any of the reasons someone may offer for covertly aggressive behavior. If someone's behavior is inappropriate the rationale they offer is irrelevant. Confront inappropriate behavior directly and label it for what it is.
*JUDGE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS: never try to "mind-read" or second-guess why somebody is doing something. There is no way for you to really know, and in the end it's irrelevant. It is a good way to get sidetracked. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue.
*BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF: Know and "own" your own agendas. Be sure of what your real needs and desires in any situation are.
*SET PERSONAL LIMITS: Becoming more empowered in interpersonal interactions necessarily involves setting two kinds of limits on behavior. 1) you must decide what kinds of behavior you will tolerate. 2) you must decide what kind of action you are both willing and able to take in order to take better care of yourself.
*MAKE DIRECT REQUESTS & REQUEST DIRECT RESPONSES: Be clear about what you want. Use "I" statements. Avoid generalities. Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect or want from another person. Whenever you don't get a clear, direct, to-the-point answer, ask again. Don't do it in a hostile way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised.
*WHEN CONFRONTING THIS BEHAVIOR, KEEP THE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY ON THE AGGRESSOR: When confronting someone about inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what diversionary tactics they might use to keep you off base.
*WHEN YOU CONFRONT, AVOID SARCASM, HOSTILITY, & PUTDOWNS: Aggressive personalities are always looking for excuses to go to war and they perceive "attacks" on their egos as precisely the justification they need. Attacking their character "invites" them to begin using their offensive tactics such as denial, selective inattention or blaming others.
*AVOID MAKING THREATS: Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate others into changing their behavior while avoiding making assertives changes for oneself. Never threaten. Just take action. Don't counter-aggress, just do what you need to protect yourself and secure your own needs.
*SPEAK FOR YOURSELF: Use "I" statements and don't portend to speak for anyone else, i.e. the children. Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and directly.
*STAY IN THE HERE AND NOW: Forcus on the issues at hand. Don't bring up past issues or speculate about the future. And, don't let the aggressor steer you away either.
*MAKE REASONABLE AGGREEMENTS: Make aggreements that are appropriate, reliable, verifiable and enforceable.
*BE PREPARED FOR CONSEQUENCES: Always remain aware of the covert-aggressor's determination to be the victor. It is important to be prepared for this, and to take appropriate action.
*TAKE ACTION QUICKLY: Aggressive personalities lack internal brakes. If you are going to successfully engage them, get a word in edgewise, make an impact, then you need to act at the first sign that they are on the march. Be ready to immediately confront and respond to one of their tactics. Move quickly to remove yourself from the one-down position and establish a balance of power.
PART B:
Educate yourself - knowledge is power.....
Let them know when they have said or done something hurtful, use "I feel..."
If they say something absurd - repeat it back to them, "So what you are saying..." This lets you retain your power and control....
Remember revealing the importance of your wants/needs may only backfire on you.
Realize they want a strong reaction from you so the focus will be off of them and on your anger ... stay calm
When you see/feel a "game" coming on.... walk away, stop the conversation, do whatever it takes not to become involved in the game. Remember that their goal is to manipulate and control you and the situation.
When it is a matter of importance, stay calm and rational, tell them what the consequences of their actions will be, stick to your guns.....
They function under intense fear....
Some of what they do is not deliberate - but most of what they do is.
Change can only occur if the p.a. recognizes that THEY have a problem and seek professional help.
DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN suggessions:
Distance yourself (physically & emotionally) as much as possible to protect yourself.....
Assume full responsibility (physically & emotionally) for the children -- rarely ask for their support.....
If support is needed, DO NOT reveal the importance of their support or they will not help. Make sure they know they have a choice and you have other options as well. (this is not a game..make sure you do have other options...)
Do not give them any opportunity to "Pull the rug out from under you." If they are on "best behavior" do NOT relax and assume this will continue... If they sense this, they WILL revert to p.a. tricks.....
If p.a. tricks extend to the children - TAKE A VERY FIRM STAND and let them know exactly what the consequences will be. DO NOT BACK DOWN.
IN ALL AREAS of your life let them know unequivocally that you will not play their games any longer.........
A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.
FROM: Kaplan, H.I. & Saddock, B.J. (1997) SYNOPSIS OF PSYCHIATRY, 8th ed. Baltimore: Williams & Wilkins
The following is an excerpt from the above:
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER
People with PAPD are characterized by covert obstructionism, procrastination, stubbornness, and inefficiency. Such behavior is a manifestation of passively expressed underlying aggression. In the DSM-IV the disorder is also called negativistic PD.
CLINICAL FEATURES
PAPD patients characteristically procrastinate, resist demands for adequate performance, find excuses for delays, and find fault with those on whom they depend; yet they refuse to extricate themselves from the dependent relationships. They usually lack assertiveness and are not direct about their own needs and wishes. They fail to ask needed questions about what is expected of them and may become anxious when forced to succeed or when their usual defense of turning anger against themselves is removed.
In interpersonal relationships, these people attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence, but others often experience this passive, self-detrimental behavior as punitive and munipulative. People with this disorder expect others to do their errands and to carry out their routine responsibilities. Friends and clinicians may become enmeshed in trying to assuage the patients' many claims of unjust treatment. The close relationships of people with PAPD, however, are rarely tranquil or happy. Because they are bound to their resentment more closely than to their satisfaction, they may never even formulate goals for finding enjoyment in life. People with this disorder lack self-confidence and are typically pessimistic about the future.
DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS:
PAPD must be differentiated from histrionic and borderline PD. Patients with PAPD, however, are less flamboyant, dramatic, affective and openly aggressive than those with histrionic and borderline PD.
COURSE & PROGNOSIS:
In a follow-up study averaging 11 years of 100 PA inpatients, Small found that the primary diagnosis in 54 was PAPD; 18 were alcohol abusers, and 30 could be clinically labeled depressed. Of the 73 former patients located, 58 (79%) had persistent psychiatric difficulties and 9 (12%) were considered symptom-free. Most seemed irritable, anxious, and depressed; somatic (internal physical) complaints were numerous. Only 32 (44%) were employed full time as workers or homemakers. Although neglect of responsibility and suicide attempts were common, only one patient had committed suicide in the interim. 28 had been readmitted to a hospital, but the disorders of only 34 had been diagnosed as schizophrenia.
TREATMENT:
Patients with PAPD who receive supportive psychotherapy have good outcomes, but psychotherapy for these patients has many pitfalls. To fulfill their demands is often to support their pathology, but to refuse their demands is to reject them. Therapy sessions can thus become a battleground on which the patient expresses feelings of resentment against the therapist on whom the patient wishes to become dependent. With these patients, clinicians must treat suicide gestures as any covert expression of anger, and not as object loss in major depressive disorder. Therapists must point out the probable consequences of PA behaviors as they occur. Such confrontations may be more helpful than a correct interpretation on changing patients' behavior.
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