DEALING WITH POWER GAMES

In an unhealthy relationship power games are not easily given up.  The partner who gains a misguided sense of control over the other has difficulty sharing power, often out of a fear of being overpowered.  Once a person identifies that power games are sabotaging the relationship, there are three choices to be made:

The person can cooperate and respond passively as a victim, agreeing to forfeit their own potency and accept a submissive position.  It is easy and familiar.  This choice can lead to the submissive person in a relationship accepting the feelings the other partner is trying to avoid – shame, guilt, inadequacy, and fear.

The person can seek the power position, becoming snared in a competitive relationship where both partners vie for the power position, going through life on a seesaw of conflicts and arguments.

Although not always the easiest to accomplish, a much happier choice is to respond from an affirmative position which acknowledges equal personal power.  The healthy partners are able to express, “We are both okay and personally powerful.  However, sometimes your behavior is not acceptable to me."

Here are some suggestions when you find yourself in unhealthy occasions in a romantic relationship where power games are being used, and you want to withdraw from “the games:”

Acknowledge that power games are real.

Take an inventory of the typical power games you see most often in your relationship.

Learn to identify your own personal cues that you are being drawn into a power game, such as: feeling confused, trapped, guilty, uncomfortable, threatened, competitive; doubting yourself; making sarcastic rebuffs; being defensive; projecting blame; avoiding your partner; giving evasive responses.

Examine your own personal negative beliefs that are supporting power games and change them.

Detach yourself, knowing that both partners are equals.

Remember, dealing with an unhealthy relationship can be difficult, frightening, confusing, and even unsafe.  Get someone you trust to help you.  This can be a good friend, a support group, a family member, or a professional counselor/therapist.  You do not have to go it alone!  And the goal – mutual respect in a healthy relationship - is worth your acting now.

Girl, Interrupted...

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