You Called Me WHAT??
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The following is from a series of posts from a bulletin board I have participated in. One individual in particular was sounding very upset about something that involved somebody elses life that he/she was not a part of. Some people had mentioned "codependency", which it seems a lot of people associate with the poor, abused spouse in a marriage to an alcoholic. Having started to reach some different understanding of the subject, I posted a real short list of "Do you?" sorts of questions rather than ignore or contribute to the "you dumb codependent fool" posts.
Do you...
believe in love at first sight?
believe that if you can get your partner to change, your problems would be solved?
feel that you're incomplete when you're not in a relationship?
believe that other people can make you feel angry, happy, sad, etc?
want to have good relationships, but they never seem to work out?
have trouble being alone without keeping busy?
feel responsible for other people's feelings?
have trouble getting close to or trusting people in the real world?
often feel anger that is out of proportion to what is happening?
Another person later responded to that post and jokingly asked, "If I answer yes to all of the above, is it a bad thing? What exactly would it mean?" For reasons that I am sure that only God Himself understands I laid my fingers to the keyboard and just decided to pontificate a litte. I got enough positive feedback, including suggestions to place it somewhere more permanent that a bulletin board.
So, for whatever it's worth, here's where I took that subject:
Q: If I answer yes to all of the above, is it a bad thing?
Not necessarily a "bad thing", but you might want to treat that as a warning sign; a red flag as it were. Answering "yes" (or as I grew up saying, "responding in the affirmative") to most of those points brings to question the healthiness with which we view ourselves in relation to our environment, especially as it pertains to ourselves and relationships with others. At it's root is a huge bed of lies and fears that we all often overlook which is also known as "poor self esteem".
You might want to consider seriously examining this aspect of your life. That was one of many lists that can be found that are used to help people question their themselves in regards to codependency.
Codependency is not strictly confined to the extreme examples of abusive, alcoholic relationships that many have seen it portrayed as. Codependency is not a chemical disorder and an illness in it's own right. It is a more a state of being and is a term that describes a persons attitudes, beliefs about themselves. It is a dysfunctional relationship with the Self.
How we view ourselves, life, circumstances, and others is at the root of most of our problems. The beliefs and thought systems of a "codependent" person are frequently manifested as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy. (source: St John's Medical Center) Familiar symptoms? Think about it...
It is now a scientifically proven fact that not only does our neurochemistry affect how we feel, but that our thought habits, responses and beliefs in turn affect our neurochemistry. Run that one through your gray noodle a few times before reading on. It's one hell of a vicious cycle at work inside.
Please understand that when I use the term "codependency", I am not merely referring to dysfunctional or controlling relationships involving others; especially of the opposite sex. Instead, I am referring to a condition of fault y thoughts and beliefs about who and what we are individually. What we think and believe and mentally (and/or verbally) reaffirm about ourselves.
Some of the ways in which an unhealthy, inappropriate, and invalid self view are often manifested are:
Inability to determine "normal" behaviors.
Difficulty in following a project through.
Difficulty in knowing how to have fun.
Judging self without mercy and having low self esteem.
Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
Overreacting to change.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having no sense of self identity.
Feelings of being different.
Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
Being either hyper-responsible or overly irresponsible.
Lack of self-confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
Feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are deni ed.
Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
Isolation and fear of people, especially authority figures.
Fear of anger and criticism.
Being addicted to excitement.
Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
Confusion between love and pity.
Often feeling the "victim" of others word or actions, or a victim of fate itself.
Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
Rigidity and need to control.
Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Again, I am not trying to imply that everyone who experiences some of these symptoms is a codependent individual. However, if you strongly identify with, or are actually experiencing, several of these symptoms, you may want to seek professional assistance in evaluating the extent of your problem and begin creating a road-map to freedom, self worth and happiness. Life is FAR too short and full of far too m uch opportunity for joy and satisfaction to waste on the sort of things listed above.
There are a number of really good web sites that address this subject. Generally speaking, it would not be at all unwise to spend some time consulting with a therapist about these issues. Quite often it is hard to see many things about ourselves, our beliefs and our conditioned responses to people and events in our life.
In all, I think all of us would be flat-out amazed at the extent to which we fuel and actually create many of the "conditions" for which we are trying to medicate away from ourselves. All the Prozac and Klonopin in the world will never make up for our own unhealthy, negative thought systems and beliefs.
Thanks for your time,
Thom
Girl, Interrupted...
AZFae
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Yahoo! Groups : End_Verbal_Abuse Volunteer Group Leader
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Yahoo! Groups : CoDependents Volunteer Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents
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