Appearance to the world of the enabling personality

Protect others from the consequences of their own actions

Deflect the hand of fate and soften its blow for others

Attempt to save others from feeling intense emotional pain

Delay the day of reckoning for troubled persons by averting social and
financial difficulties for them

Prevent crises for troubled persons which, in fact, prolongs the problems

Pinch hit for troubled persons, hiding their mistakes with alibis or lies to
others

Act out of a sincere, if misguided, sense of love and loyalty

May act out of shame to protect their own and their environment's
self-respect

Are motivated by the fear that they may share the unfortunate consequences of
the troubled person's problems

Take on responsibility for the troubled person

Begin to doubt themselves and doubt their own sanity or "rightness,'' often
seeing themselves as failures

Feel guilt and self hatred and begin to turn off their feelings toward the
troubled person and others

Use a lot of projection and blaming on the troubled person

Vent a lot of anger against the troubled person

Become known as sarcastic naggers and blamers

Deny and conceal the problems of the troubled person

Make decisions for the troubled person, decisions that are best left for the
troubled person to make for themselves

Minimize the problems of the troubled person

Feel trapped in the problems of the troubled person

Develop an emotional shell and resist penetration


Feelings inside persons with the enabling personality traits

Powerless to change the situation

Serious about the situation

Self blaming for the troubled person's problems

Fragile in the face of the troubled person's problems

Self-pity for the situation they are in

Manipulation is the only method left them to get their way to correct the
troubled person's problems

Super responsible for the situation and solving the troubled person's
problems

Guilt over the troubled person's problems and the troubled person's inability
to solve them

Pain from the hurt resulting from the troubled person's problems

Fear that the troubled person's problems will never be solved and will
ultimately consume them

Anger that they can't fix or solve the troubled person's problems


Typical statements from enabling individuals

I'm going to give him another chance.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not clear what I should expect of him.

I'm not convinced that he has that problem.

I love him; I can't leave him.

I don't want him to fail.

I don't want him to suffer any pain or hurt.

I don't want him to think that I don't love him.

I'm beginning to suspect that I'm the reason for his problems.

I don't want to be mean.

It's hard to say no.

I could never forgive myself for not taking steps to prevent him from getting
hurt.

He'd never forgive me if he got hurt or failed.

I've made my vows for life; I could never leave him.

It only hurts for a little while.

Look at all the trouble he's causing for me and the family.

I want him to get help, even if I have to drag him in.

What have I done wrong? Where have I gone wrong?

He doesn't care how much he hurts us by his behavior.

I feel so unappreciated.

Just this one time only.

Let's not be hasty in our judgment.

Negative consequences of enabling behaviors

Low self-esteem

The problems of the troubled people, addressed by enablers, usually become
worse rather than better

Become discouraged about the lack of progress or change in the troubled
people and ultimately sabotage their own efforts to reform these people

Become angry and resentful at those in their life who fail to improve

Become resentful, bitter, antagonistic and vengeful toward those who fail to
improve

Become martyrs who look for others' sympathy for their plight in life

Become enmeshed in the very problem behavior traits they resent, such as
drinking, overeating, overworking, drug abuse, etc.

Often become unappealing people and find the non-troubled people in their
lives have turned against them

Become so adamant about a cause that they seek to reform everyone they come
into contact with, sometimes obsessively

Lose focus as to how embittered and single focused they have become; they get
confused by the rejection and lack of approval they receive from the
non-troubled people in their life

Protect others from the truth about the problems of the troubled people,
suffering the anger, resentment, and hostility of the non-troubled people after
they find out that the enabler has sheltered them from the truth

Often wear themselves down so much that they suffer stress related illnesses,
like cancer, heart disease, ulcers, gastrointestinal problems, high blood
pressure, and others

Often become troubled people who are so caught up in denial that they become
difficult and resistant to getting help for themselves

Often refuse to get help for themselves if they have been successful in
getting their troubled people into treatment

Often become immobilized by fear, insecurity, and mistrust if they are not
successful in getting help for the troubled people in their lives

Often spend their lives seeking revenge against the troubled people whom they
tried to reform and couldn't

Usually end up depressed, anxious, and tense


Irrational beliefs of people with the enabling personality traits

I must do something to help this person stop his problem behavior.

I can help this person stop his problem behavior.

Everyone should want to change if they have a problem behavior.

My efforts will result in reforming this person.

The harder I put effort into addressing this problem, the more easily it will
be solved.

The larger the threats I make, the better chance that he will change.

If a person has a problem, the only way you can help him is to stay with him.


My efforts to lead a good life will pay off in the reforming of this troubled
person.

I have the key to the answer for this person's problems

I must put all my energy into helping this person if I expect him to change.

Only losers give up.

Protecting a troubled person is one way of helping that person to get help.

The troubled person's behavior is the only problem our environment has.

If I deny or hide the problem from the members of our environmment, they
won't be affected by it.

Things are never as bad as they seem.

God never gives you a burden too great to carry on your own.

I know what's best for this person.

I must never complain about this person's behavior in public.

I must never let this person get in trouble because of his problem.

I must carry the burden of this person's problems on my own shoulders.


Turning negative enabling traits into positive potential

Minimizing problems

These people can be given assistance to recognize the magnitude of the
problems in which they are enmeshed. They can be given information about the
nature
of "family'' illnesses and the "sick'' roles that each family member takes on
and how their enabling behaviors are "sick'' and can lead to their own
physical or mental illness if left unchecked.

Protecting the troubled person from negative consequences

These people can be taught "tough love'' technology. This assists enablers to
redirect their efforts to help troubled persons recognize and accept the
consequences of their own troubled behavior. In this way the enabler will let
the
troubled person "face the music'' for their problems early on, let them "hit a
brick wall,'' and recognize the need to get help for the problem on their
own.

Self blaming

When they have learned that there is virtually nothing they can do in
reforming a troubled person, they can take themselves off the hook of blame and
place
the responsibility for the problem back into the hands of the troubled
person.

Manipulation

When they realize that most of their efforts exacerbate the problems, they
can stop using threats, bribes, ultimatums and trickery to reform people. They
can use honesty, assertiveness, openness, confrontation in getting help for
themselves, and then address the troubled behavior of others.

Super responsible

By handing the responsibility for the problem back to the troubled person to
handle, and by viewing the problem more rationally, they can encourage the
troubled person to seek help and assistance for himself, to address his problem,
and to be open and vulnerable to change.

Acting out of loyalty

Enablers need to be guided in their feelings of loyalty to avoid protecting
troubled people from the negative consequences of their actions. Redirected
loyalty is to encourage the troubled persons to face their problem honestly and
to get timely help, preventing the problems from becoming uncontrollable.

Powerlessness

They can be helped to recognize that practicing "tough love'' and helping
others accept personal responsibility for their own actions is a powerful
behavior, with a more productive outcome than the enabling behavior used
previously.

Denial

Enablers need to hit their own "brick wall'' and get help for themselves
before they can effectively help others. Such brick walls as the troubled person
getting sicker or getting into trouble on the job or with the law is a way to
force enablers to give up their denial of the problems forcing them to take
corrective measures to alter their enabling strategies.

Sarcasm, nagging, blaming

Once they are able to let go of super responsibility for others' problems,
enablers are also able to let go of chronic reminding and reprimanding the
troubled persons for having the problems. Enablers can be helped to recognize
that
this verbal "garbage'' is the very behavior that gives the troubled persons
the excuse for indulging in the troubled behavior in the first place.

Low self-esteem

Once enablers are able to let go of the need to solve the problem no matter
what, they are able to view themselves in a healthier, more rational way. They
can love and respect themselves more and pursue avenues that will make them
feel good, allowing them to have fun.



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