Appearance to the world of the rescuing personality

Overly responsible

High motivation to help others

Tendency to be stuck in their efforts to help change things

Very emotionally stable

Conscientious

Desire to be a "good'' person no matter how treated by others

Seen as a "victim'' due their treatment by troubled persons

Openly admit the existence of problems

Looks stuck in the situation, which creates problems for self

Irrational in loyalty to the troubled person, who takes advantage of him

A generous, selfless, good person who is being exploited

A burdened down person who carries others on his shoulders

Tries to help out people in trouble at home, work, school, in the community,
and in other social settings

Very tolerant of the bizarre and maladapted behaviors of troubled people

A sympathetic figure who is chronically taken advantage of

Inability to consider self first

Obsessively driven to care for others

Inability to be assertive and protect his own rights


Feelings inside persons with the rescuing personality traits

Angry at the problems confronting the troubled people in their life

Angry at others in their life who do not reach out to help or assist the
troubled people they come across

Resentful and angry about the chronic unhappiness the troubled people, whom
they help, cause for them

Angry and resentful if the troubled persons can take care of or solve their
own problems without assistance from the rescuer

Fear that if they don't help the troubled person, the person will be lost for
life

Fear that they will be misjudged by others for not taking an active stance to
help troubled persons

Anxious when in the presence of troubled people

So focused on the troubled person, they are not able to focus healthy
attention on themselves

Guilt at not doing enough to help the troubled people in their life

Feelings of low self-esteem when the troubled people suffer relapses

Depression when they are caught up in a "catch 22'' cycle of helping a
troubled person who gets back on his feet just enough to relapse

Confusion as to which is the best course of action to take with the troubled
person

Fear that they will be abandoned by the troubled persons in their lives

Fear that they will always be unhappy in a relationship with a troubled
person who is unwilling to reform

Exhaustion over never being able to resolve the problems of the troubled
person

Anger that they are the focus of other helpers who point out their rescuer
behavior as unhealthy


Negative consequences of rescuing behaviors

Low self-esteem

The more active the rescuing, the more unlikely that the troubled persons'
behavior will change or reform

The more active the rescuing, the deeper into denial of problems a troubled
person can go

Strained relations with everyone else in the rescuer's life for whom they
have no energy left

Other people involved with the troubled person become angry, hostile, and
resentful of the rescuer's efforts since it seems to exacerbate the troubled
person's behavior

Because rescuing behavior is not successful in changing the troubled person's
behavior, the rescuer becomes more obsessive in their efforts

Due to failure and exhaustion, rescuers can become sour on good will and the
caring attitudes of others

The rescuers can become so involved in the addictions of the troubled person
that the cessation of the addiction becomes the number one priority in their
lives

The rescuers have less and less time to maintain a social, athletic, friends
hip, or support network for themselves

The rescuers become so overwhelmed by their efforts to help that they can
ignore their own health and well being, thus getting sick themselves

The rescuers who consistently fail to change things can lose self-confidence
and eventually give in and join the troubled people in their troubled behavior
patterns

The rescuers can become so obsessive in pursuit of helping that they get
caught up in a denial web, failing to see the negative consequences of their
rescuing behavior

The rescuers can become resentful and turn against the very people they try
to help when no change occurs

Rescuers look for recognition and are hurt and disappointed when they are not
recognized for their good deeds


Irrational beliefs of people with the rescuing personality traits

If I don't do it, nobody will!

They need my help!

They will fail without my help!

I can't stand by and see them suffer!

They are too weak to endure the pressures in their life!

I would not be able to live with myself if I did not help them.

If they died because I didn't help them, I would feel responsible.

I feel responsible for the welfare of them all.

I don't care if they crap on me; I will still help them.

It goes with the turf of helping people to be abused, accused, ignored, and
blamed by them.

It doesn't matter if they never thank me for what I have done for them.

Just knowing I have helped them is a reward in itself.

These are rough times and kids need help to get through.

I know I'll always rescue him, even though I know it is not the best thing to
do.

"Tough love'' is a phrase that stands for no love at all.

How can you turn your back on someone who you know is hurting, sad, and
alone, especially when it is one of your own?

I don't care if he changes his behavior. I'll always help him out if he is in
a jam.

I love you and want to help you, so please come to me first, no matter what
the problem is.

You can't take care of yourself; you need me.

No matter what happens, I just want him to know I love him.


Turning negative rescuing traits into positive potential


Overly responsible

Over responsibility can be converted into appropriate responsibility. The
rescuers can be confronted reasonably and have the futility of their efforts
pointed out to them. Their responsibility can be re-directed to themselves so
that
they don't ignore self in their efforts to help others.

High motivation to help

High motivation to help can be used to help themselves get out of an
immobilizing strangle hold of trying to change the behavior of others at the
expense
of their own health.

Appearing emotionally stable

By taking off the mask of emotional stability, the rescuers can get help to
recognize that they are as "sick'' as the troubled people whom they are trying
to help. By admitting emotional instability, the rescuers become more
authentic and more likely to get help for themselves.

Overly conscientious

Being overly conscientious can be converted to being personally conscientious
about helping themselves. Not being able to let go of troubled people for
fear of what others might think drains their personal resources and energy,
making them vulnerable to illness.

Being a good person

You can't always be a good guy. Helping other people to accept personal
responsibility for themselves means that a helper might need to be "mean'' and
leave the people alone to solve the problems on their own. They can be "good
guys'' once the troubled people accept the challenge to change themselves.

Victim

Victims who know they are victims are martyrs and therefore choose to be
stepped on by others. Victims are to be pitied, but rescuers are usually not
victims, but martyrs and are not to be sympathized with. When rescuers recognize
this fact they can change their behavior with troubled people, no longer placing
themselves in "victim-like'' or martyr roles.

Open admission of problems of troubled persons

The admission of problems is good behavior when the rescuers person openly
admit that the rescuing behavior is unhealthy. Admitting that rescuing behavior
is problem behavior is the first step in helping rescuers change in order to
regain their own health.

Selfless and generous Rescuers are often exploited.

This behavior can be converted so that the generosity is aimed at themselves
with the rescuers recognizing that a certain degree of selfishness is healthy
if it means that their personal energy and health are protected from
exploitation and abuse.

Loyalty

Loyalty to their loved and troubled people can be converted to loyalty to
self. This change is essential for the rescuers to be able to begin taking care
of their personal health and well being.

Over-tolerance of bizarre behaviors

Over-tolerance needs to be converted so that the rescuers are able to
recognize what is "sick'' in their relationship with the troubled people. Once
they
recognize the "sick'' behavior they will be in a better position to react to
the troubled people in a rational and healthy manner







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