Hello,
My name is Alexander.

I live in Belgrade , Serbia , 42 yrs , university degree in civil
engineering , and till 18 august last year I was a happy man . I was
on probe work in my second job.
FOR THE FIRST TIME A JOB THAT WAS WELL PAYED, WITH SOCIAL SECURITY
AND A CHANCE TO MAKE MYSELF A PROJECT LICENCE FOR CIVIL ENGINEEERING.
NEW FLAT, TWO BEAUTIFULL DAUGHTERS……………..
AND THEN, THE HELL BURST OUT……………………………AND ALL THAT CAME DOWN IN
FLAMES
I HAVE HAD OCCASIONAL RISKY CONTACT BEFORE BUT I WAS THINKING
STUPIDLY THAT " IT COUDN`T NEVER HAPPENED TO ME………"
BUT IT DOES ! ! !
It has all started with nausea , temperature about 37,5 C for a 10
days, and then I had gone for testing in a private clinic on
September 19 . When I got the result on the way home I have fainted .
I went to a City Clinic for Public Health Protection for another
testing and there was the same result except that the W.Blot has
confirmed the second test on October 2.
Result was :HIV 1 positive !
Then I went to a National Clinic for Tropical and Infectious
Diseases ( Dr Djordje Jevtovic – very good specialist – in first 50
in world ) and finally the diagnose was :
INFEKTIO HIV CDC Gr 3 ( ! ! ) . CD4=58 and VL =0 ! ? !
I was detained in hospital for a two weeks with Esophageal Candida (
Fluconasol 200 mg for a 14 days ) and has started my first therapy
ZIAGEN 2x1 = 600 mg , EPIVIR 2x1 = 300mg and STOCRIN ( SUSTIVA )
1x1 = 600 mg all in 19 h and Bactrim 2x1 ( 400 + 80 mg ) three
times per week > mon , wed , fri .

They had tested my wife ……….but she seems to be negative thanks God !

On 16 Oct I came back home and then I have realized that I`M IN
HELL………….

I FELL FRIGHTENED TO DEATH , AND HAVE ALL SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION :
- lost my habits in reading , watching TV , listening music ……………
- scared to socialize with friends……………………………..
- poor sleeping and bad dreams
- lack of concentration in any way
- lack of communication with family- wife and children- due to a
self –guilt……………………
- many worries- WORRIED WELL
-THINKING OF A QUICK SOLUTION………….BUT THERE IS ALSO A STIGMA OVER IT.

WHY IS THAT SO :

I don't wanna go back to a hospital ! ! !
First the condition there is horrible – like a "Fly over a cuckoo
nest " . Only 3 doctors with more than a 300 active-on therapy and
1200 occasionally paccients , lousy food , 22 beds WITH ONLY 4
SHEETY TOILETS AND ONE BATHROOM , lousy windows and radiators , 50
% of patients are a intravenous drug users , who have their fix
even in a dining room , lot of steeling , lot of
criminals………………….and medical sisters who doesn't care too much due
to a poor wages……………………………
There is only ONE psychologist for a whole bunch and she is tired of
her work…….During my first session I was constantly interrupted with
a questions and suggestions as : Play some music ,cook a lunch , read
a book and try to live NORMALY !Second session was 30` and she did
not came to a third- she was too busy with another job to do.
When a patient reach about 500-600 CD4 doctors over here just took
him off the HAART saying:
"Aaah, you are doing pretty well, let's give you a break........
until 200 " , not to mention a shortage of medicine due to a
notorious image of Serbia in world. Just for that we have been
bombarded by NATO for 74 days .I'm not saying that we were not
guilty , but not so much....................
( Just to add :Example 1 : just two years before there was a state
note that every patient that has been on HAART and his CD4 was > 250
has to stop treatment due to a shortage of supplies. Now that line is
somewhere between 500-600.
Example2 : When I was in a hospital , they brought a patient , an old
hobo , heavily breathing and in some kind of pains. It was a weekend
and a doctor who was orderly then said to nurses : ( I have heard it
because I was close behind the doors just passing by) " Don't give
him Trodon for pain , because it level down a number of white blood
cells. He had come here to die anyway, I think "
Man was on his feet two days after just with oxygen therapy, but
still in some pains...................)
Until three years ago there was a refunding period for drugs overhear
meaning:
If you wanna be cured you have to pay ~ 35000 euro ~ 42000 dollars at
your first year , and then after 12 months that money would be given
to you by social insurance , but always with a loss due to a
inflation.
And if you did not have the money..............lots of previous
patients have sold their houses to be cured for the first
year.......................and believe me it is true
There is NO graceful death for us in Serbia because in a two-million
city of Belgrade there is a shortage of intensive health care bed
departments due to a wasted social funds.
And that kind of beds with lung-heart machine or oxygen are always
reserved for the people with cardiac diseases , or a stroke , or
cancer , or for some local (or state) politician..............we are
at the clear end of a line................................
Could we call this anti-euthanasia ? )

I have called some community services specialized for this matter ,
but in there there are only young kids with no knowledge about
anything ……….and if they are + they are often angry or sedated or……………
with no experience……………

I HAVE NEARLY LOST MY NEW JOB AND A PAYCHECK WITH THAT AND I DOESN'T
GET ANY MONEY TO MY HOUSE ANYMORE ! ! !
because I was tired I HAVE LIED MY BOSS THAT THAT WAS DUE TO A
SERIOUS HART CONDITION AND HE SAID ( AND HE IS A GOOD MAN BUT A VERY
SUSPICION ONE ) THAT I COULD WORK FROM HOME , BUT HE DOESN`T NOT KNOW
IF HE IS GOING TO PAY anything to , ME OR TO GIVE TO ME MY SOCIAL
SECURITY CARD.
I decided to work from home because it is a small firm with a lot of
workers who work outside as a central heating workers and with 6
engineers AND YOU REALLY DON`T KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS A FLU ……………..AND
MY JOB IS ABOUT 10 MILES FROM HOME BUT WE DON`T HAVE A SECOND CAR SO
I HAVE TO CATCH TWO HEAVY CROWD BUSES TO JOB AND BACK , AND YOU
REALLY DON`T KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS A FLU AGAIN……………………
And a working time is with traveling from 6.45-16.45 mon – fri and
6.45-15.45 on saturday and that is too heavy for me in my present
condition !
MOST OF ALL MY FATHER IN LOW KNOWS MY BOSS AND I`M AFRAID BECAUSE he
might telephone to him and ask about my status !

MY WIFE IS SUPPORTING US and now thru the day I'm in a her very
little flat BECAUSE I HAVE TOLD MY KIDS THAT I HAVE GO TO A WORK ,
AND THEY THINK THAT I DO SO , BECAUSE I'm scared that they would
tell to my my wife parents that I do not work anymore………………..and they
might ask why………………….
ALSO MY WIFE IS A LIVING BEEING TOO AND SHE DOES NOT WANNA BE WITH ME
IN BED – THAT I UNDERSTAND – BUT I`M AFRRAID THAT SHE WOULD BECOME
MISEABLE OVER IT AND MORE DEPRESSED .
ALSO SHE IS TIRED BECAUSE OD TWO CHILDREN AND I DON'T SEE ANY WAY TO
HELP HER.


Wife has a PhD in technology , she works in a Institute BUT due to a
poor state in our country THEY DON'T WORK AT ALL , AND THERE IS A
LAUSY ATMOSPHERE IN THERE BETTWEN WORKERS AND THEY WANT TO KNOW
EVERY SECRET……….ABOUT OTHERS……………..SHE ALREADY HAS GOT A SECOND
WARNING BECAUSE SHE WAS WISITING ME IN A HOSPITAL DURING A WORKING
TIME……………

I` M SCARED THAT TRUE WOULD COME OUT(in a control in local health
department, or being seen by a friend in a clinic ..or..) AND
AND MAKE A 3 MORE LIVES MISERABLE
(THEY ARE NOT GUILTY FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME) THE GREAT
PROBLEM IS BECAUSE MY DESEASE IS A GREAT STIGMA IN MY COUNTRY.
There is a kid HIV+ who attends a school near us. He is alone in his
class and school dep. has changed all water pipes in school to a
electronically controlled because of him. He has no friends at all.
There is a man Ivan Radojicich who was attempting something but
seeing what is happening (his little daughter although she is - , was
enforced to give a blood test for a 4 times...............by other
parents in a kindergarten), he had to stand off the fight and now he
only lead an radio emission on miner local radio at Thursday from 2-4
AM.......................
ONLY MY WIFE KNOW ABOUT MY ILNESS ( and she becomes depress too ,and
tired)
IMPLICATIONS WOULD BE :
1.My wife would lost a state job (PhD),private too and she is now
supporting me, and she would GOT A SOCIAL STIGMA JUST FOR STAYING
WITH ME,AND NOT TELLING ANYONE.(frends,coworkers,clients)
2.My child would be expelled from school and kindergarten AND HAVE A
LIFE STIGMA AND I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH…………..
3.If my father in low would know he would probably passed away at a
spot due to his poor hart condition……………so I HAVE NOONE TO TELL TO………
AND A BURDEN BECOMES HEAVY EACH DAY………………………..
3.SOCIAL SECURITY
More than that from a next year there is transition to a new social
card with a bar code BUT
I'm scared because I don't know what kind of data would be there
and who might see it.
In my COUNTRY data's about my illness is available in a Central
Social Security Office almost by anyone……………………….Now I'm in a working
bureau for unemployment but ANYONE DON'T WANNA TO GIVE ME A SOCIAL
CARD BECAUSE I HAVE IT THRU MY WIFE.
4.COURSE of ILNESS :
Thru the Sept 18 I was feeling perfectly well and I have started
therapy but since than I have had :

1. Candida Eshophagitis –Th : Fluconasol tablets 200 mg for a
14days
2. Herpes genitalis Th : Acyclovir
tablets for a 10 days
3. Human Papilloma Virus on my genitals……..twice
4. Gluteous infection on my back
5. Signs of seborrhea dermatitis


I'm seeing my ophthalmologist once a month and for now.
THANKS GOD THERE IS NO SIGNS OF A CMV VIRUS IN MY EYES. I ALSO WEAR A
GLASSES WITH A SOLID DIOPTHRY.

Year `87 :My father died from lung cancer. He was not ill until his
63 and BOM ! , then suddenly one day ha just said to me : I have to
go to the doc, having a double vision. Chemo , X-rays ,
operation...........nothing helped .He was so skinny at his last days
and without any control..........like a kid.............

Year `98:Mom died also from lung cancer. One day she just noticed
that she has a dark blue lips , went to doc and he was stunned. Size
of a 3 oranges in her chest. Two months...........

Year `03:Sister of uncle died from breast cancer fighting like hell
for a 5 years , three years ago.Her dad died 1983 guess from
what..............

SO I VERY GOOD KNOW THAT CHEMOTHERAPY AND X-RAYS ARE NOT A PICNIC AND
WITH A CD4 COUNT OF 58 MY CHANCES ARE………………………


Also many plans that I have had for my family are go down in
flames……………….( road trips to Austria , Switzerland , vacation in
Egypt , Tunisia , gifts for graduation time , for wedding
anniversary , Valentine`s day………… )







In Serbia we have a drugs near ones in the States but just for HIV.
Other classes of drugs for a Opp. Inf or a some other illnesses are
much older or don't exist at all.
My dr gave me Xalol for my depression but it knocks me down or do
nothing and it is not a really AD drug. In fact it could make
depression worse.

I don't have any relatives anymore or a friend I could lean on to do
some simplest things to me if I am ill.
Except my wife and she already have a rough time:
two kids, work at company, private work at home……………….
I'm desperate because I know that she will AND MUST FIND SOMEONE ELSE
ONE DAY AND THAT MY DAUGHTERS WIIL LOSE ME AND THAT SOMEONE ELSE
WILL TAKE MY PLACE.
THAT BREAK MY HEART , BECAUSE THEY ARE VERY YOUNG ( 5 & 10 yrs ) .
In fact my wife has told to me that she has been unfaithful to me,
long ago Oct `06 and in fact that in that time she had an ongoing
affair that she broken up two weeks ago due to my status!
Her behavior varies from hugging to accusations- like "… maybe you
would be happier if I'm infected too…" and I understand that in those
moments anger speaks from her.
I'm FEELING VERY BAD - BECAUSE OF MY TWO DOUGHTERS
I CANNOT LOOK IN THEIR EYES ANYMORE!

Since I have started my therapy my skin has changed:
it is more rough, dry and with TINY LITTLE MICROSPOTS BLEEDING MUCH
EASIER IF I SCRATCH THEM ...............I have been told that it has
might happened as a side effects from therapy BUT I'm frightened
because my kids want to hug them and I don't know is my VL is
constantly~0
I have a rush probably due to a Bactrim -my skin become VERY
SENSITIVE, EASILY BLEED AND I'm NOT KISSING AND HUGGING MY DAUGHTERS
ANYMORE - WHAT A PUNISHMENT!
AGAIN I`M MOST SCARED THAT TRUE WOULD COME OUT AND
AND MAKE A 3 MORE LIVES MISERABLE
(THEY ARE NOT GUILTY FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME)
Serbia is a country full of violence due to a post war period. Every
while you could read in newspapers that somewhere near you some store
has been robbed by a drug addict..........As I'm writing you there is
a flash on TV about a woman found in the woods .........extremely
tortured
And I'm really frightened for the three ladies of mine someday when I
would not be around !

Believe me I was very strong man just a few months ago. Years of
training in martial arts and some seasons in Mountain Rescue Squad
has give me strength.
And I don't wanna my 5 minutes of glory in this site , it is a stupid
tough , or I think that I'm different from any of us , just trying to
preserve my sanity..............

My depression was not provoked by a "meteor end of a world", or "fear
of paraglide flying " or something imagined. It is a cause of non-
soluting daily problems .................. for the first time in my
life.

And it is hard for a proud man as I used to be.

I was in plaster for a 5 months from a toe to a hip on one leg, due
to a Achilles tendon injury.
I did not take any help from anyone incl, bathing, eating,
walking........working at home...........
I also have to work without social security just to support my
family, changed few jobs, saving for a new flat, and that I'm not
different from anyone here.
But now I feel shattered..........because of things I have
stated..............and people who knows me has notice that something
is wrong guess by what ?
By my eyes-they have lost brightness and joy they used to
have...............and eyes are mirror of a soul....

I wanna live - to feel a sunlight on my face , to feel a spring
breeze on my cheeks , to listen to a early morning birdsong , and to
look at a night starry sky, to laugh and hug my daughters and wife
for a long time , but I am ashamed because I haven't completed my
life tasks and that I would be psychically or mentally burden to my
family.



I'm scared, with no one to turn to and almost lost my will to live………
because I'm feeling socially disconnected and with great felling of
remorse , and guilt because what I have done to my family……………..

For any advices or words of wisdom thanks..............

Alexander