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Hi Jen
I hope the sun rising has brought you some comfort. I can really relate to your feelings of fear. I always felt most alone and most of my fear at night. It has been said that our unconscious thoughts are closer to the surface at night and I do believe that.
Wow--you have brought up the biggy--fear--it is something we all fear--fear--My fears really came to the surface big time when I was dx. not just of dying but everything--fear of being alone--fear of rejection--not being good enough and on it goes. It was and still remains a big struggle at times. I am much more comfortable with it myself at the moment. Whenever I start to feel it I can now recognize it and take a deep breath and say to myself--oh here you are again my friend--so what's up--and usually when I allow myself to experience it I can see that for the most part it is not based in reality and can do something about it and then I feel better. But at times it is not that easy and I have to make many attempts at it.
I have come to realize some of those catch phrases actually have a lot of truth behind them--""There's nothing to fear but fear itself---Feel the fear and do it anyway--"
it is such a taboo in our culture where most people are portrayed as confident successful and seem to fit the stereotype of beauty--- we only get to see the outside--most "successful" people will tell you openly about their struggles with fear--so welcome to the human race--
It sounds like you are being rather hard on yourself. Remember you have had a major shock with your diagnosis and treatment. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to find a way each day to bring happiness into your life whatever that is for you---go for a walk--watch the flowers bud--take a warm bath-surround yourself with people who really care for you--
I remember feeling like I was in a battle and not just with the disease--also with all the supposed care givers--with appts--treatments--everyone elses' schedule--I don't know if anyone else here has tried this but I decided to take one day a week and have it be my shitty day---I told my friends and family--I ranted and raved--cried and screamed and said all the things out loud that I was keeping in my head---wrote unmentionables in my journal ---what I found was the other 6 days began to get increasingly better--I had more energy--I could begin to do some things I used to enjoy--may sound nuts---but it worked for me :-)
Then I used to play another game when I got so tired of thinking and talking about cancer and my symptoms after treatment--I would go somewhere--a movie--play--another town window shopping--and just pretend that I didn't have cancer--no one knew me (not an easy task when you live in rural Nova Scotia) and so I was not going to have to run into anyone who uncomfortably asked me "How are you/" It really helped me get of that identity of the cancer patient--and I could take it back into my every day life.
I share my thoughts with you as someone who has been through a similiar struggle--not as a know it all---because I don't know it all or much for that matter--I just know some things which helped me in my darkest times--and I wish 18 yrs ago I knew other people who would have shared some of their experiences with me--
Know that we all hold you in our thoughts and prayers, Jen.
and remember there's only one Jen in the world--you are unigue--there's not another human the exact same--you have your own unigue wonderful light to shine in the world!
with love--BA
----- Original Message -----From: Jennifer L. SmithSent: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 9:12 PMSubject: Re: [Cervical-Cancer] New to this community! to JenHello to the other Jen!
Thank so much for replying. Sometimes I feel so alone and others not. Last night was one of those. Life is very scary now. I know that fear is a major hurtle. I've been fighting issues of fear my whole life. I'm afraid to live my life because people won't accept me because I feel as though I'm always the token fat girl. Now I know that is not as important as everything else I'm going through but it adds to the body image fear of rejection due to scars and vaginal atrophy. Internal radiation is a bitch. At Christmas time I did have the thought that it might be my last but also I was grateful to even have that day to spend with my family.
Every day is a struggle. How to do you overcome something like fear?
Thanks again!
Jenn S., 28
Cortland NY
Squamous cell cervical cancer 1B 07/01/04
BSO & lymphadenectomy, upgraded to 3B, 08/02/04
25 external rads
5 Cisplatin
2 internal rads (tandem & ovid insertion a.k.a brachytherapy)
Dancing with NED
Nerve damage due to Cisplatin
Upcoming: 2nd post-treatment Pap - May 17, 2005
Jennifer Forester wrote:Hey JennI can totally understand how you are feeling so overwhelmed!! My story is very similar. I was diagnosed last July with stage IIB cervical cancer. I had just bought a new house and thought that life was a blessing. Wham when the Dr. gave me the news it was like I was thrown into a alternate world. My entire world was labs, chemo, radiation ect. I would look at people walking down the road and think how can everyone be so oblivious!! In a split second life can change so much. I am now SIX months in remission! I pray that it will continue. I know that even when the Dr. tells me things are looking good I will always be worried. Every occasion a little voice in my head says is this the last Christmas,Birthday,Mothers day? I don;t know yet if this will get better in time but I do know you have to get past the fear! Just look at how much you have been through and how strong a person you are!! Never under estimate your spirit!! I am also on hormone replacement. I still have all! my equipment It just doesn't work due to internal radiation. I can relate to being to young to be menopausal!! Take care of your self let me know if I can help. Jen in Toronto.Ontario, Canada.
labgirl2076 <jsmit40@...> wrote:Hello everyone!
I was diagnosed with squamous cell cervical cancer stage 1B on July 1,
2004...immediately following the purchase of my first home. It was
one of the worst days of my life. I'm 28 and single with no children.
I was scheduled for a radical hysterectomy but when a positive lymph
node was found, my uterus and cervix were left in place to protect my
bladder and bowel during the internal radiation I was to have.
Subsequently, I was bumped up to stage 3B. I then had external
radiation and chemotherapy (Cisplatin) and 2 rounds of internal
radiation.
I'm now on hormone replacement as my doctor removed my ovaries because
ovarian cancer runs in my family. So I'm infertile.
I'm here because I'm struggling with almost everything in my life. I
really, really want to find! someone like me who understands. I am
having a hard time finding support groups in RL.
Any one out there?
Thanks.
Jenn S., 28
Cortland NY
Squamous cell cervical cancer 1B 07/01/04
BSO & lymphadenectomy, upgraded to 3B, 08/02/04
25 external rads
5 Cisplatin
2 internal rads (tandem & ovid insertion a.k.a brachytherapy)
Dancing with NED
Nerve damage due to Cisplatin
Upcoming: 2nd post-treatment Pap - May 17, 2005
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