Whether you are a man or a woman, consider this model (taken from the book, Dance of the Selves):

 

Think of yourself as having an inner male and female side...and see your wholeness in embracing both those parts, through all the years of your life. So you have an inner male and female newborn, an inner male and female 1-year old, an inner male and female 2-year old, etc. right upto your current age.  They all need to re-unite and work in harmony and balance with each other....all your inner male and female inner children, inner adolescents, inner adult parts, etc.

 

So, if you choose to re-unite your inner male and female within, in order to heal these many relationships within (at each age group), you can thank your "reflections" of the women in your experiences for showing you how your own inner male and female felt about each other, along the way...for what is happening on the outside often reflects what is happening on the inside.

 

Take a look at what each one (inner male and female want from each other)

 

I hope this is some support.  I found this many years ago, and it was invaluable to me, and in the process, by healing the shadow side of what I could not tolerate in the men and women in my life over the years, as I began to acknowledge and heal what was hurting, and see how it reflected what was on the inside, I have been able to move into a happier inner balance….with the net result that my outer relationships with people in my life have become much more fulfilling.

 

I wish you a happy reunion of your inner male and female sides, dear friend.

 

Warmly,

Dayu

 

 

Excerpt from "Dance of the Selves: Uniting the Male and Female Within".

Source:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dna_activation/message/17535

 

Excerpt from “Dance of the Selves: Uniting the Male and Female Within”. 2

The Battle of the Sexes in a New Light 2

What Our Internal Feminine Wants from Our Internal Masculine. 2

What Our Internal Masculine Wants from Our Internal Feminine. 3

How Do You Know You Are Loved?. 4

How Their Inner Relationship Affects Your External Love Affair 5

Excerpt from “Dance of the Selves: Uniting the Male and Female Within”

The Battle of the Sexes in a New Light

I first met Martin Cohen when he came to Arizona from his home in New York.  He is a powerful teacher and we had a marvelous connection with each other.  Martin teaches a relationship course in which he breaks down the generic “battle between the sexes” into the three things that each sex wants from the other.  The battle begins when we don’t fulfill those three wishes for each other.  I describe those three requirements below.

A woman wants the following three things from a man:

1.      ·        She wants him to be fun.

2.      ·        She wants him to be certain.

3.      ·        She wants him to be her passionate lover.

A man wants the following three things from a woman:

4.      ·        He wants her to be a safe harbor.

5.      ·        He wants her to carry his vision.

6.      ·        He wants her to maintain the dance of the relationship.

When a woman doesn’t get what she wants from a man – fun, certainty, and passionate love – she begins criticizing him, stops participating in the dance and/or gives up on her initial vision of the relationship.  When a woman is too critical, won’t be the catalyst for the dance, or doesn’t care about the relationship, the man quits being fun, certain, and/or her passionate lover.  When a man stops being fun, certain, and a passionate lover for his partner, the woman usually responds by criticizing him or losing interest in keeping the relationship going.  You know how easy it is to create a cycle of criticism and withholding between two partners.  Either one of them can desert his or her role in the relationship and start this circle of unhappy interactions.

The truth is that there isn’t a single man or woman who doesn’t possess many of the very traits the other wants in him or her.  It is a matter of bringing out and strengthening these traits in each other.  Both sexes can get these qualities from their partners to some degree, but it has to occur from within. We must realize it is our feminine and masculine who want these qualities from each other.  When They aren’t gratified, They look elsewhere for gratification and support.  This causes problems in our relationships.  Let’s look at Cohen’s list in more depth and shift our focus to the internal masculine and feminine.

What Our Internal Feminine Wants from Our Internal Masculine

She wants Him to be fun.  She needs Him to be fun.  She is so busy being diffuse and holding the picture of past, present, and future that She often isn’t much fun.  His abilities to focus and manifest allow Her to have the fun She needs.

This might sound like a frivolous, petty request but it isn’t.  While it is important for the masculine to skillfully manifest more serious needs, He must also be able to manifest pleasurable and fulfilling activities that fill the feminine’s life with joy and beauty.  Joy creates the verve that makes us more powerful in our lives.  The old adage, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” is a very wise rule to follow, especially for the success of your internal dynamic.

In this case, I use the word dull in the sense of losing one’s edge.  Have you ever noticed that it is hard to make decisions when you are feeling down, or put any energy into the tasks you perform?  On the other hand, have you ever noticed how brilliant, radiant, and powerful you are when something wonderful has just happened to you?  You literally scintillate with the joy of life.  Others can’t help but be positively affected.  Happy people are simply more powerful than depressed, unhappy people.

She wants Him to be certain.  This means that the feminine wants the masculine to take charge of Her visions and to be absolutely certain that He can manifest them.  She wants Him to be assertive and confident in His dealings with Her.

Your feminine needs to know that your masculine is there to back Her up.  If she can’t trust His ability, She will either want to take over and do everything Herself, or else will give up.  His task is to build Her trust in Him so that She knows He means it when He says He will do something.  If She stops trusting His certainty, She may stop giving Him the vision.  If She stops giving Him the vision, He may lose His certainty, or else revert to his old separatist ways.

She wants Him to be her passionate lover.  She wants to know that She is the most important feminine energy in the world to Him and that He is passionately devoted to Her.  She wants a lover in every sense of the word: sexually, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually.  In other words, She wants Him to be Her soul mate and Her perfect lover.

Your feminine must always be the only feminine energy your masculine pursues.  She is a jealous lover and greatly resents anything taking priority over Her vision.  His task is to be fully devoted to Her.  If your masculine follows other visions, like those of your partner’s feminine, for instance, He will lose sight of your feminine.  He will also be incapable of creating the boundaries that guide Her visionary process.  This very dynamic is the foundation for addiction and codependency that I discussed in Chapter 9.  If the masculine cannot be her passionate lover, the feminine will turn against Him.  If he denies or abuses Her vision She will stop giving it to Him.  If that happens you’ll have to gently coach Her back into revealing Her truth.

What Our Internal Masculine Wants from Our Internal Feminine

He wants Her to be a safe harbor, working with Him, not against Him.  The masculine longs for a feminine who will be so committed to Their relationship that She will stay connected to Him rather than dismissing His needs.  Most importantly, He wants Her not to pick on Him when he doesn’t do things exactly the way She would like them done.

The feminine, being the visionary, sees only how to get somewhere in a straight line that leads to the vision.  This may not necessarily be the most successful path.  The masculine, in contrast, may go in a wide and erratic circle to accomplish the feminine’s vision.  If the internal feminine repeatedly berates the masculine for the way He has done something, He will soon lose confidence and stop manifesting for Her.  He will also stop being the source of fun and love that She wants Him to be.  The role of the feminine in Their relationship is to trust and honor the methodology of the masculine.  The feminine also needs to honor the slower pace of His process, as He operates in the world of form, which emphasizes timing and focus on detail.

He wants her to be the vision.  The masculine needs the feminine to do Her job and provide the vision of where They are to go next.  If She encourages Him in fulfilling Her vision, He will eventually believe in His ability to manifest with Her.

Since the internal feminine is the visionary, it is imperative to Their relationship that She keep encouraging the masculine.  She must enthusiastically support His decisions as He strives to fulfill Her vision.  It is not enough to tell Him what She wants.  She must also encourage Him and get out of the way so that He can do His job.  Once He believes that He can fulfill his function, the passionate inner marriage will be in full flow.

He wants Her to stay involved in the dance with Him and wants Her to keep spurring Him on.  This means that she promises to never give up Their connection and to keep maintaining the juice between Them.  This keeps Their relationship evolving and strong.

The unfortunate thing is that the feminine is often too willing to give up on Their relationship.  She will quit too soon when the going gets rough.  When this happens She no longer honors the masculine, and doesn’t act as the safe harbor that He desires Her to be.  He responds in the only way He knows, and withdraws.  Then He is no longer fun, and stops being Her passionate lover.  It is a very sad state for both of Them.

Knowing that manifesting is His duty, the masculine may have a hard time expressing Himself.  He may be afraid to speak up when He can’t accomplish Her vision.  When this happens, the feminine must be willing to slow down for Him.  She can learn to support Him by realizing how courageous He must be to acknowledge His limits and say, “No, I can’t do that.”

When He isn’t certain about following Her direction, She must ask Him “What isn’t clear?  What else do you need to know about this?”  If He doesn’t want to talk, then She needs to lovingly support Him until He can answer Her.  She shouldn’t go one step further with the vision until He opens up again.  He cannot be ignored or put down, because this will always lead to disaster.

How Do You Know You Are Loved?

In order to function well with the desires of your internal masculine and feminine, you will find it helpful if you determine your own list of criteria for how you “know” you are loved.  Consult your masculine and feminine when you do this.  They will each give you different responses.  Write down Their responses and make a list of two hundred qualities that you want in a relationship.  The point in working with two hundred qualities is you will really refine your desires to a fine point as to what you want in a relationship.  Be sure to list the ways that signal love to you.  For instance, I know I’m loved when someone keeps in touch by phone or letter.

We usually don’t define our criteria for happiness in a relationship, as powerful as they are, even to ourselves.  You must discover “how” you know you are loved.  This knowledge takes the guesswork out of it for your partner.  Your partner will know exactly what to do to let you know that she or he loves you.  You should also have your partner’s criteria list for what they want in a mate.

We have a tendency to take whoever comes along without really discerning whether this person is someone we can be happy with over a lifetime.  We are much more careful about buying a car than we are about choosing a partner.  We research the best cars on the market for our needs, check out the color, the gas mileage, and the options.  Isn’t it strange that our relationships don’t get the same consideration?  Your criteria list can change all that.  Your internal criteria list becomes a blueprint for future choices, totally without your conscious awareness.  It is essential to bring this list out into the open, so you can make conscious decisions.

I was once sharing a house with Lynn, a good friend.  We had our first argument and we were both devastated by the anger that arose.  That night Lynn came home with a horror video.  The significance of that movie was that I love to watch horror movies and Lynn is absolutely repulsed by them.  It was very touching to me to know that this was her way of saying that our relationship mattered and that she was sorry.  Doing such a simple thing is so healing to our relationships.

As you make your list, please be very precise.  Don’t just say, “I want a partner who has a sense of humor.”  After all, they might tell barroom jokes.  That may be all right with you, but if it isn’t, then define your idea of perfect humor.  I would say I want a mate who has a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at himself and life.  This will give you the beginning understanding of what you are really looking for.  You’ll be surprised to discover that many of your criteria will have been established during your childhood.  You will also want to rewrite your list periodically because as your feminine and masculine grow, your list will change dramatically.

How Their Inner Relationship Affects Your External Love Affair

Most of us long to see the qualities described above in the partners we choose.  We all want to be with someone who isn’t overly critical of us, who inspires us, who keeps the game going, and is fun – someone who believes in us and will stay in the relationship with us.  Our mistake is that instead of pressuring our mate to provide these qualities, we need to focus on our inner relationship to provide us with these qualities.

Chances are that if you continue to work on your inner marriage, you will more likely get what you want from your partner.  When your internal masculine and feminine stop meeting each other’s basic needs, Their conflict will show up in your external relationships.  For instance, if your masculine isn’t strong and certain, you may draw someone to you who isn’t trustworthy in a relationship.  If your feminine doesn’t trust the masculine, then you will most likely be distrustful of men and will draw a man who doesn’t trust women or isn’t trustworthy.

Your external problems are often a reflection of an internal discordance.  There are always danger signs that indicate any internal war.  When the men in your life are acting up, go inside and see what is wrong with your internal masculine.  Check to see what He needs and what He is upset about.  When the women in your life are acting up, go inside and check with Her and see if you can determine what is going on.  In either case, check with both of Them so that you understand Their perspective.

Peggy was a successful young businesswoman who had a fairly good relationship with her husband Dwayne.  They were usually able to work out any differences without trouble.  Both were very calm people who were able to articulate their desires and needs.  Then Peggy started on an exciting new project that had a very strong chance of pushing her close to the top of her corporation.  She was very excited about this project and dove into it.  She lived, ate, and breathed this project for several weeks, striving to finish it ahead of schedule.

When Peggy first came to me, she told me she and Dwayne were continually arguing, and that these arguments couldn’t seem to come to any conclusion.  The two of them usually ended up walking away from each other, hurt and disappointed.  She said that their arguments were like nightmares.  Dwayne wouldn’t let go of an issue and would hound her to the point where she would explode in a tantrum.  These tantrums of Peggy’s were even more upsetting to her than to Dwayne, because she was normally calm natured.  Peggy figured that Dwayne was upset at the changes in their relationship that had occurred when she began working so much, but she was surprised at this development.  She had been extremely busy at other times because of work and it had never created such a problem before.

We talked to Peggy’s masculine and she was surprised by what she discovered.  As I suspected, Peggy’s masculine was outraged.  He had been trying to tell Peggy and her feminine to slow down with this project.  The masculine couldn’t back up the desire of Peggy’s feminine to rise higher in the corporation structure at such a breakneck speed.  Peggy wasn’t listening to His messages.  Then Peggy remembered that she had been having a stiff neck for the last two weeks.  She had also pulled her lower back a few days earlier.  These back and neck problems were her masculine’s message to slow down.

Once I explained to Peggy that Dwayne’s behavior was a reflection of her inner masculine, she then understood her part of the dynamic.  I told Peggy that Dwayne would probably calm down if her feminine started listening to her own masculine.  Sure enough, after several inner conversations, Peggy slowed down in her feverish attempts to finish the project early, only to find out that she had overlooked a big problem that would have caused a lot of trouble for the project a year down the line.  At that point her inner masculine calmed down and so did Dwayne.

 

Excerpted from ‘Dance of the Selves: Uniting the Male and Female Within’ Loretta Ferrier, Monica D. Briese Pages 248 – 255.  ISBN: 0671728393, published December 1991.

 

Dance of the Selves (Paperback)
by Loretta Ferrier

 

http://www.amazon.ca/Dance-Selves-Loretta-Ferrier/dp/0671728393/sr=1-80/qid=1159184429/ref=sr_1_80/701-9708016-9567569?ie=UTF8&s=books