Center of Attention
Newsletter of CHADD of Northern California
Also at: http://www.chaddnorcal.org/newsletter
17 March 2002

CHADD Works to Improve the Lives of People with
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder through Education, Advocacy,
and Support

===== In This Issue =====

About the Newsletter
Calendar of Events
Feature Article: AD/HD and Relationships: Communication is the Key
Please Tell Us

===== About the Newsletter =====

The Center of Attention is CHADD of Northern California's bi-weekly
newsletter. The newsletter is designed to keep you up to date with
CHADD of Northern California's activities and updates in the field.
It's a step toward bringing the members closer together.

======== Calendar of Events ==========

Marin - 3/19/2002, Tues. 7-9pm
Drop in Support Group -- for Adults with ADHD and Significant Others
Marin Community Mental Health, Greenbrae - Contact: Beverlee: 415-789-9464
============================
Online - 3/19/2002, Tues. 6-8:00 PM PST
Peggy Ramundo and Kate Kelly - Succeeding in the Workplace: Smoothing
the Rough Edges of On-The-Job Relationships --
CHADD Online Chat, Internet - Contact: Message Line: 510-291-2950
============================
Contra Costa - 3/20/2002, Wed. 7-9 pm
Walnut Creek Adult General Support Meeting -- Ongoing, confidential
support groups for Adults with ADHD
Kaiser Mental Health, Walnut Creek - Contact: Donna Love: 925-687-4324
============================
Yolo - 3/21/2002, Thu. Lending Library 7:15 pm; 7:30 pm to 8:30 pm
County Meeting -- Support Group Discussion or Speakers
Davis Branch, Yolo County Library, Davis - Contact: Yolo County
CHADD: 530-750-3929
============================
San Francisco - 3/26/2002, Tues. 6 pm - 8:45 pm
"Misunderstood Minds" preview and community forums on learning
differences to take place before the showing of "Misunderstood Minds"
on PBS, March 27 -- Schwab Learning's Rick Lavoie, a leading
authority on learning differences who appears in the documentary,
will head a panel of Bay Area learning specialists and parents in a
discussion of topics such as eliminating the stigma of learning
differences, building effective parent/teacher communication, and
developing strategies for working with children with attention and
organization problems. For more information, please visit
www.schwablearning.org/tv/mm_screen.asp (SPONSORS: KQED-TV and Schwab
Learning)
KQED Studios - 2601 Mariposa; SF, San Francisco
============================
**** - 3/27/2002, Wed.
"Misunderstood Minds," a groundbreaking documentary that offers a
provocative and insightful look into the world of learning problems.
Check your local PBS schedule.
-- The next day, March 28, be sure to join Rick Lavoie and Schwab
Learning for an online discussion of the program.
www.schwablearning.org/tv/mm.asp
============================
Marin - 3/27/2002, Wed. 9:30-11:30am
Support Group for Parents of Children / Teens with ADHD -- Share your
concerns with a parent who really understands.
30 Catalpa Ave., Mill Valley - Contact: Victoria Vogel: 415-383-6048
============================
Santa Clara - 3/27/2002, Wed. 7:15 p.m. - 9:30 p.m.
Kitty Petty ADD/LD Institute Meeting -- Build a Career to Fit Who You
Are - Carol McClelland, PhD
Friends Meeting House, Palo Alto - Contact: Kitty Petty ADD/LD
Institute: 650-329-9443
============================
San Francisco - 3/28/2002, Thu. 7-9pm
Educational Speaker TBA --
CPMC Pacific Campus, San Francisco - Contact: San Francisco Warmline:
415-442-1944
============================
Contra Costa - 4/3/2002, Wed. 7-9 pm
Walnut Creek Adult Topical Meeting -- Ongoing, confidential support
groups for Adults with ADHD
Kaiser Mental Health, Walnut Creek - Contact: Donna Love: 925-687-4324
============================
San Francisco - 4/3/2002, Wed. 7:30pm
Women's ADD Support Group -- Please Call Lynn to confirm times and
locations before attending.
CPMC Davies Campus, San Francisco - Contact: Lynn: 415-621-1078
============================
Marin - 4/9/2002, Tues. 7-9pm
To Be Announced --
Town Center Corte Madera Community Room, Corte Madera - Contact:
Beverlee: 415-789-9464
============================
Alameda - 4/10/2002, Wed. 7 - 9 pm
Tri-Valley Parent Support Meeting --
Thomas J. Hart Middle School, Pleasanton - Contact: JoAnn Matone: 925-484-2173
============================
Marin - 4/16/2002, Tues. 7-9pm
Drop in Support Group -- for Adults with ADHD and Significant Others
Marin Community Mental Health, Greenbrae - Contact: Beverlee: 415-789-9464
============================
Contra Costa - 4/17/2002, Wed. 7-9 pm
Walnut Creek Adult General Support Meeting -- Ongoing, confidential
support groups for Adults with ADHD
Kaiser Mental Health, Walnut Creek - Contact: Donna Love: 925-687-4324
============================
Santa Clara - 4/17/2002, Wed. Reg: 7pm, Meet 7:30pm
Silicon Valley Adult, Parent and Spouse Support Groups -- Separate
peer-facilitated groups let you share struggles and strategies with
each other. Includes video.
Friends Meeting House, Palo Alto - Contact: Silicon Valley Warmline:
650-949-5472
============================
Yolo - 4/18/2002, Thu. Lending Library 7:15 pm; 7:30 pm to 8:30 pm
County Meeting -- Support Group Discussion or Speakers
Davis Branch, Yolo County Library, Davis - Contact: Yolo County
CHADD: 530-750-3929

===== Feature Article ======

In the 1999 Winter edition of Attention!® Magazine (Volume 5, Number
3, Page 44) CHADD ran the following article Relationships and ADHD.
Many archival articles that are still quiet timely are available to
members on the members only website. (http://members.chaddonline.org/)

Another CHADD resource is the e-mail list for spouses sponsored by
CHADD of Northern California. You can join that group by going to
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adhdpartner/ facilitated by Lew Mills,
MFT, PhD


AD/HD and Relationships: Communication is the Key

Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums, or cold
shoulders that arise between people in close relationships can often
be traced to differences in perception and communication style. How
we see and make sense of the world around us influences how and what
we communicate to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone
involved in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an
understanding of these differences is essential to effective
communication.

As therapists who specialize in AD/HD, we work with children,
adults, couples, and families in numerous capacities. Our experiences
with these folks is "in the trenches," often as part of a school
team, as coaches when emotional support is needed, or as objective
observers in the heat of family battles, helping to prioritize issues
that are causing unbearable discomfort.

We, ourselves, must deal with AD/HD in our own relationship.
Ron's AD/HD was undiagnosed during the first half of our marriage
and, most likely, there would not have been a second half had it
remained undiagnosed! We are fortunate to have been armed with a
professional knowledge of AD/HD and first-hand exposure to how it
affects couples, so we have been able to work on our own lives and
relationship with a clearer understanding of the differences between
our communication styles. We use this knowledge to help our clients
resolve issues that may have dissolved relationships in the past.

It's not difficult to understand how the "triad" of AD/HD
symptoms - impulsivity, inattention, and hyperactivity/restlessness,
can affect relationships. However, we believe that these "visible
symptoms" have somewhat less direct impact on a relationship than the
ways in which these symptoms affect a variety of "hidden"
developmental characteristics.

Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults.
Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many
have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over
time, the constant pressure brought on by their new ways to cope with
problems can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become
overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, and lose confidence. Since we can't
go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize
that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a
changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to
closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful
manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as
we are aware, just understanding doesn't guarantee anything will
change.

Therefore, we work closely with our clients to help them
understand who they are; identify their strengths, weaknesses, and
the hurdles they have to overcome; and learn what they need to do in
order to grow and experience a sense of well-being.

Who Are You?

At our initial meeting, one of the first things we ask a client
is, "Who are you?" This usually catches them off guard. They might
have thought about the concept during times of turmoil, but for the
most part, the question never entered their minds. Are they
comfortable with their "gut" reactions to things? Do they believe
that what they feel is appropriate? Do they feel guilty about not
doing something or then resent it if they do?

Adults with AD/HD typically have a problem identifying who they
"really" are since throughout their lives they've tried to change
their personalities to fit the situation at hand. Adding to this
confusion is the fact that they often cannot trust what they feel.
For example, people may pretend they are wise and sophisticated,
while worrying about being "found out."

Making Sense of Interpersonal Communication

Good communication depends on people understanding one another's
true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to be using. Since
our brains work so much faster than our mouths, we often use a kind
of shorthand, which might have an entirely different meaning for
another person than it does for us.

When two of us interact, we often experience what goes on in very
different ways. If either of us could see the way the other views the
relationship, it would probably make no sense at all. Adults with
AD/HD must also contend with the three-ring circus performing in
their heads - they are paying attention to the sound of the other
person's voice, experiencing past and future fears, becoming aware of
the fear of saying what they are feeling, and concentrating their
efforts on getting meaning from the other person's words. The more
involved they are in trying to be less distracted, the less involved
they are in the conversation.

Unlike a "non-AD/HD" brain, which runs on batteries, the brain of
an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires winding
periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation of thoughts
and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD provides stimulation
and is a wonderful source of creativity, but it often creates
difficulties with communication.

Words and Meanings are Not Always the Same

From our experience, it seems clear that many of the difficulties
experienced in relationships result from the fact that the meanings
of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite
different for individuals with AD/HD. It's as if they speak a
different language. This results in miscommunication,
misinterpretation, and misunderstandings. Thus, we often hear:
"That's not what I meant," or "You don't understand!"

Problems with word retrieval cause misunderstanding. You must
know where a word is "mentally filed" in order to retrieve it.
Individuals with AD/HD often have difficulty maintaining an organized
"filing" system since the AD/HD brain creates so many options. For
example, a person with AD/HD may file the word "apple" under the
letter "A," or "F" for fruit, or "R" for round or red, and so on. She
may file it differently every time. However, the person who does not
have AD/HD will probably file it the same way each time, under the
most universal choice - "A" for apple.

The disorganized filing system of a person with AD/HD impacts
communication in a big way, causing him to seem hesitant or unsure
while he searches through his mental file cabinet for the right word
or phrase. During this time, the "lottery ball effect" takes over.
Like a numbered ball flying around until it drops down the tube, a
word, idea, or fragment of an incomplete thought may randomly and
impulsively come out of the individual's mouth. If it is
inappropriate, he may then respond by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean
that!" Oftentimes, however, the recipient of the remark has
difficulty believing he didn't mean it, especially if inappropriate
remarks are made frequently.

A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person
responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this
information to previous experiences, choose an option, and then
respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step one
- stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the balls
in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often a
surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because of the
difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that's constantly
being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only becomes real when
it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word leaves the mouth that
the individual can decide whether or not it makes sense, and whether
or not it's appropriate. So the statement, "I didn't mean that,"
should be taken literally.

Priorities

The level of importance we place on something determines our
priorities. In our clinical experience, many couples have never even
considered that their different priorities can profoundly affect
their relationships. For instance, simple day-to-day activities that
require planning and organizing may not be high priority tasks for
adults with AD/HD. A task that is more stimulating, or one to which
he may respond in a more extreme or emotional manner, is more likely
to be a higher priority.

Differences in priorities and time urgencies are often reflected
in the "no big deal" response. For example, walking past a bag of
garbage without picking it up, leaving the lawn covered with leaves,
or even driving past the library with overdue books and not returning
them may not make any sense to some. In the mind of the adult with
AD/HD, however, it is "no big deal" since their thought is "it will
get done eventually."

Becoming Aware, Accepting our Differences, and Developing an Action Plan

Adults with AD/HD are complex individuals. Adding to this
inherent complexity are the emotional defenses resulting from years
of being misunderstood and not trusted or believed. One goal is to be
aware of what triggers these defenses, thereby reducing anxiety and
anger, which allows the adult to incorporate the tools for improving
interpersonal relationships.

Acknowledging and accepting differences helps the adult with
AD/HD to feel respected as a separate person. Only at that point can
the process of successfully negotiating differences and working on
inappropriate issues or behaviors begin.
An "action plan" usually involves change, either in behavior,
attitude, environment, or responsibility. Change is an essential part
of life, yet one which can be extremely painful for many people.
There is not much hope for a relationship in which one person takes
no steps to change. Often, we find that the partner who does not have
AD/HD is more hesitant to change, because it has been easier to blame
all past problems on her partner's AD/HD. On the other hand, the
partner with AD/HD often believes that his partner should accept
AD/HD as an excuse for certain behaviors.

Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable
behavior. When a person who does not have the disorder seeks a
support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD who is sloppy,
has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a job, in some cases,
our advice is to forget it! Behaviors that lead to disorganization,
screaming, or unemployment can be changed, but only if the person
with the problems is able and willing to make an effort to make a
change. If he is not, we suggest re-thinking the reasons for
remaining together.

Getting out "poisonous" feelings, like resentment and anger, is
important, yet it's often difficult when one or both partners have a
hard time keeping quiet or listening without interrupting. That's why
we use and recommend "emotion dumps," which are similar to the "10 &
10" sharing time encouraged by the Marriage Encounter movement. In
this case, because adults with AD/HD are often impatient, we suggest
making it a "2 & 2" - two minutes for each person to write on paper
or via e-mail about how they felt that day, what may have bothered
them, or to share positive experiences. We suggest using "I"
statements, reflecting how the person writing feels, rather than what
he perceives has been done to him by others. Since this format is not
face-to-face, neither partner can interrupt, be distracted by the
other's words, or impulsively make a judgment leading to a blow-up.

Another tool that helps gain clarity in the relationship is the
Top Priorities List. Each partner compiles a list of what he or she
feels are the most important daily and long-term issues to be dealt
with. In many cases, long-term priorities are similar. However, the
differences in daily priorities are typically vast. What the adult
with AD/HD may consider "top priorities" is often in direct
opposition to what the partner who does not have AD/HD gives weight
to, revealing possible causes of tension.

Essentially, mutual trust is fundamental in a relationship that
works. Mutual trust is based on the ability to correctly interpret
what our partner is trying to communicate and vice versa. That
process is the one that takes the most work, but as we tell our
clients, life never gets any easier; we just hope to get better at
dealing with it!

Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D. and Marlynn Block, M.A. are the Clinical
Directors of The A.D.D. Center & The Family Conflict Center of New
England (Avon, CT). Their experience working with children, adults,
and their families, in clinical, academic, and research settings,
spans over twenty years. They are consultants to numerous school
systems, state and federal agencies; maintain a busy schedule of
lectures and workshops; and are currently completing a series of
troubleshooting guides on AD/HD. Their website is www.addcenter.net.

Attention!® Magazine Volume 5, Number 3, Page 44

===== Please Tell Us! =====

We thank members for their responses to the Newsletter. Any comments,
suggestions, or criticisms will be greatly appreciated. Please
continue to help us make this newsletter more beneficial to you all.

We also invite readers to share their experiences with us and other
members. Please feel free to write to us about anything that you
would like to see published.

You can e-mail your comments to us at CHADD_Dimples@....
Simply replying to this e-mail will also send your message to the
right place.