Center of Attention
Newsletter of CHADD of Northern California
Also at: http://www.chaddnorcal.org/newsletter
14 October 2001

CHADD Works to Improve the Lives of People with
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder through Education, Advocacy,
and Support

===== In This Issue =====

About the Newsletter
Feature Article: How Adult ADHD Affects Relationships: Strategies for Coping
This Week: New "News from CHADD" Newsletter carries National News
Please Tell Us
Calendar of Events

===== About the Newsletter =====

The Center of Attention is CHADD of Northern California's bi-weekly
newsletter. The newsletter is designed to keep you up to date with
CHADD of Northern California's activities and updates in the field.
It's a step toward bringing the members closer together.

===== Feature Article ======
The following article has been published with kind permission from
Melinda White, MFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC28729)
1635 Solano Avenue; Berkeley, CA 94707; (510) 526-8208
e-mail: adhdtreatment@...
Individual, family, couples, group counseling and psychotherapy for
Attention Deficit Disorder

How Adult ADHD Affects Relationships: Strategies for Coping

An adult with ADD walks into a relationship carrying a great deal of
emotional baggage. This is especially true if he or she was not
diagnosed until adulthood. Growing up knowing something isn't quite
right but not knowing what it is, can lead one to make many erroneous
conclusions. This can lead to the development of a negative and
usually distorted self-image.

The messages an adult with attention deficits often carries with her,
as well as her ADHD traits greatly affect her relationships. Looking
at both the positive and negative traits that come with ADD can help
shed some light on how strongly relationships are affected. There are
as many differences in adults with attention deficits as there are
similarities, however. Each person I've seen in my private practice
as an MFCC is quite unique. Some of the traits I'll describe in this
article, therefore, fit for some people but not for others. There are
differences between men and women and between those who exhibit
traits of hyperactivity and impulsivity compared to the more
inattentive, disorganized type of person.

In this article, I'll discuss messages ADD adults bring with them
into relationships, ADD traits, and strategies for coping with
relationships when one partner has ADD.

An adult with ADD or ADHD (I'll be using the two terms
interchangeably) grows up hearing many negative messages from others.
Parents, teachers, coaches, and peers notice the ADD individual's
difficulty sitting still, following through, attending to what they
are supposed to and they often comment on it. After being criticized
over and over for traits he has no control over, this often
undiagnosed child starts to feel bad about not measuring up to
other's standards. He begins to internalize the messages he hears
from others. Over time a sense of shame develops. This child isn't
trying to break all the rules. For the most part, he'd like to please
the adults around him but he can't figure out how. He has no idea
when his brain will kick in and allow him to finish his math sheet or
play quietly with a sibling.

As an adult, these feelings of shame often continue. Most of my adult
clients tell me they've spent their lives feeling ashamed because
they were unable to complete the tasks asked of them, couldn't
concentrate even when they wanted to, or just stood out as being the
class space cadet.

This has led them to make erroneous conclusions about themselves.
I've been amazed at how many times an obviously bright, articulate,
and interesting ADD adult has sat in my office and told me that he
thinks of himself as stupid. Frequently, a woman who I clearly
believe is bright has spent years telling herself she is stupid
because she can't figure out why she can't perform as well as others
around her.

Other messages adults with ADD internalize include, "He (she) always
blames me. If he (she) wouldn't be so picky, things would be fine.
It's really his (her) fault for making such a fuss about those little
things." Still other individuals have made numerous attempts to be
organized, on time, and to follow through on tasks with little
success. Many of these people say to themselves, "I can't do it no
matter how hard I try." Another prevalent message I've heard in my
office is more common with the higher achieving adult with attention
deficits. He or she carries the belief, "I am a fraud and it's only a
matter of time before "they" find out." This person manages to get
his job done but may do so by putting in many extra hours to keep up
with his non- ADD co-workers or the individual may get overwhelmed by
lots of verbal directions and be petrified that her boss will
discover incomplete tasks that she missed because of overload. These
adults describe the feeling of always waiting to be found out.

Growing up with attention deficit disorder also means repeatedly
receiving certain messages from others. Some of these messages are
confusing at best while others are clearly damaging to one's
self-concept. Such messages include: "If only you'd try harder." This
can be an especially destructive thing to say because trying harder
doesn't allow someone with ADHD to sit still any longer, to
concentrate, or to complete tasks. Telling someone who is trying and
still can't do it to try harder can only lead her to think poorly of
herself for her lack of success.

"Don't do it that way." "Your way is wrong." Many children and adults
with ADHD can see novel or unique ways to approach a task.
Unfortunately, these creative ideas are often squelched by
traditional thinkers who insist things be done "the right way".

Other ideas imparted to those with ADD include, "Why can't you
just...do it ?" The "it" might be concentrate, get started on the
assignment, clean up your room, or sit quietly. A child with ADHD
doesn't know why she can't do it and often begins to see herself as
inadequate when continuously confronted with her shortcomings. She is
told time and again, "Sit still", "Wait your turn", "Don't call out",
"Look at your mess!", "You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached
to you!", "Pay attention", "You're just lazy!" These messages which
usually come from well-meaning but frustrated adults can be very
harmful to the child's sense of self.

Despite carrying this emotional baggage with him, an adult with ADD
can be quite attractive to people he meets. He brings excitement and
energy to life. He knows how to have fun and may show a wonderful
sense of humor. This can be stimulating to others he encounters. An
adult with ADD is often creative and sees new perspectives. Many of
the adults I have met have a fresh or innocent way of perceiving the
world. They have multi-faceted viewpoints and varied interests. I've
met men and women who have a breadth of knowledge due to their varied
interests and others who have a depth of knowledge in specific areas
because they focus better on one thing at a time. Clients I've seen
have usually been caring and empathic people. Despite their numerous
setbacks, they manage to pick themselves up and try again. They have
been both persistent and determined.

Being in an ongoing relationship with an adult who has attention
deficit disorder brings one face to face with the problematic traits
also associated with ADHD. It is often difficult for an adult with
ADD to stay tuned in to conversations. She may become easily bored or
just distracted by other stimuli. Due to the many obstacles
encountered daily, he may believe he can't do "it" and may not bother
trying. He may be unrealistic about time commitments, truly believing
it will only take five minutes to make a stop and then comes home two
hours late, infuriating his partner. An adult with ADD may have
problems saying no to demands placed on her. After years of being
criticized by parents, teachers, and partners, she may say yes to get
others off her back. She often does this automatically without
thinking through whether she can or wants to do what is asked. A
related trait is difficulty setting clear limits. If one is easily
distracted, underestimates how long it takes to do things, and feels
external pressure to do his share, he probably has trouble setting a
clear limit for himself. He, therefore, takes on more than he can do
and as a result leaves many tasks unfinished or forgets important
appointments in his harried state.

An adult who has ADHD may begin to resent the criticism she receives
from significant others. This resentment makes her less likely to
even try to find ways to be more responsible about the areas her
partner is constantly complaining about.

Another recurrent theme I hear from adults I work with is that they
have trouble trusting themselves. When a woman with ADHD repeatedly
can't complete tasks within the time she expects, wastes entire days
trying to get started on seemingly easy projects, and misses
important details in conversations, she has trouble believing her
intuition is right. She may, therefore, go along with what someone
else tells her, even when she doesn't agree. These same people are
then prone to let others determine their self worth. A man whose boss
is always pushing him to do more, despite his record sales figures,
may see himself as a failure at work.

In addition to the issues I've elaborated on above, adults with ADHD
often have problems noticing social cues. If one is not attending to
the nuances of facial expressions, voice tone, and body language, he
is likely to miss the meaning of his spouse's words. This can lead
the partner of a person with ADD to feel her spouse may not care
about what she is saying.

Given all the difficulties, is a person with ADD, therefore doomed in
his relationships? I do not believe this to be the case at all. An
adult with ADD will, however, have to work harder at her
relationships than her non-ADD peers. Relatives, friends, and
significant others will need to be patient, flexible and
understanding. The following strategies will help adults with ADD
cope with important interpersonal relationships:

1. Be self-accepting. Your brain is wired differently. That does not
mean you are inadequate. It means you will need to learn and practice
techniques that will allow you to function up to your capacity. You
and your physician may decide that medication is advisable.

2. Have realistic expectations of yourself. Figure out what you can
realistically do. Begin by leaving extra time for tasks. You can also
time yourself on your daily responsibilities to get an actual picture
of how long things really take.

3. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished. Allow
yourself recognition even for the small steps you take. If partners,
friends, and parents, comment on the positive steps that the adult
with ADHD makes, it is likely to increase her efforts.

4. Understand your own limitations and plan for them. Determine what
your most alert time is and have important interpersonal
conversations then. Take breaks as needed to help compensate for your
distractibility and to prevent getting overloaded, but agree to a
follow-up discussion time.

5. Anticipate your needs in advance and make plans to deal with them.
If, for example, you know a four hour Sunday dinner at your in-laws
will leave you antsy, irritable, and impulsive, let your spouse know
in advance that you will need to take a walk midway through the
evening.

6. If you tend to forget appointments or responsibilities you've
agreed to, or are constantly running late, use datebooks, a family
calendar, Post-it notes, or other reminders.

7. Allow for burn-out time. Learn to recognize what activities leave
you feeling spent and schedule time to recharge your batteries.

8. When making agreements with your significant other about chores,
obligations, or even social events, plan a follow-up meeting. Decide
in advance how to deal with it if the adult with ADD forgets to do
what he agreed to. What is the best way for his partner to notify
him? How can the partner be reminded to break her unhelpful patterns?
If each member of the couple lets the other know what would feel like
a kind and helpful reminder, success is more likely.

9. Significant others need to strike a balance. Recognize the
limitations of your partner, but don't overcompensate for them as
that may leave you feeling resentful. Rather than just doing the job
for the forgetful adult with ADD, try job swapping so each person is
taking on tasks that are more in line with their liking and
abilities. Parents of ADD adults need to give their adult children
room to try it their way and flounder if necessary. The adult can
only learn to do it himself if parents don't take over for him.

10. Be honest with yourself and others as to commitments. Think
through whether you have the time, energy, and desire to do what's
being asked of you. If you feel "on the spot" and need time to
determine this, tell your significant other you need to think about
it and you'll get back to her about it. Admit when you've messed up.
Others are more forgiving if you are not defensive about your
mistakes. Make a plan to improve your performance and tell your
partner how you will attempt to avoid that particular problem again.

11. Set limits for yourself. This ties back to accepting yourself and
ADD's effect on you and to being honest with important people in your
life. Say, "No" when it's appropriate. Recognize you can't do it all
and don't even try. Kindly let others know when you feel overloaded
or need space to recharge your battery.

12. Set up your environment to match your abilities and limitations.
If, for example, you hate doing yardwork and can't afford to hire
someone to do it, get a low maintenance yard. If sitting still for
hours is difficult for you, pass on the invitation to see a three
hour movie with a friend. If you concentrate best in a quiet setting
with no distractions, create that area to use for bill paying or
paperwork.

13. Do things your way if it works for you and doesn't hurt anyone.
Your way may seem strange to others, but it's important to honor your
uniqueness and creativity.

It is important for the spouse or partner of an adult with ADHD to
understand the myriad of emotional issues that ADD adds to
significant relationships. When a partner can understand these issues
and accept them, the relationship has the best chance of success.
Furthermore, the partner needs to recognize that an adult with an
attention deficit cannot choose to turn her symptoms on or off.

The adult with ADHD can improve his relationships by getting
appropriate treatment both to deal with the effects ADD has had on
his life and to develop strategies for coping with current issues.
Appropriate treatment should include working with a professional who
has experience with adult ADD. Educating oneself about attention
deficit disorder through reading and attending workshops is an
important step. Medication is another component to consider. Couples
counseling, group therapy, or behaviorally oriented individual
therapy may also be be indicated, depending on each adult's needs.

======== This Week ==========

"News from CHADD" Newsletter carries National News

CHADD's "Friday Folder," a weekly compilation of public policy
initiatives and news updates prepared by Stephen Spector, CHADD
Director of Public Policy, will be integrated into "News From CHADD.
"News from CHADD," is an electronic newsletter provided free of
charge several times monthly to CHADD members and the general public
alike.

You can subscribe to this national CHADD publication from our web
page at http://www.chaddnorcal.org/newsletter/subCHADDNews.htm

We will no longer repeat the legislative and national level news that
is included in that newsletter. We hope that you will subscribe
directly, if you have not already been signed up automatically as a
result of your membership.

Here are a few abbreviated examples of the items that ran in the last
issue, including an encouragement to register for this weeks Annual
Conference!

Elementary & Secondary Education Act (ESEA)-S.1/H.R.1: - The actions
to complete the funding for education are a high priority of both
President Bush and the Congress. Many of the differences between the
Senate bill and the House bill have been resolved through the work of
staff to members of the Conference Committee and were approved by the
Members this week. Two issues that have not yet been resolved are the
so-called "Full Funding of IDEA" and the amendments to the Discipline
provisions of IDEA.

It is important for CHADD members and others to continue to voice
their concern about the adverse impact that the "Norwood Amendment"
to the House bill and the "Sessions Amendment" to the Senate bill
would have on young people both with and without AD/HD. School
Administrators now have the ability to ensure that the classroom and
school are safe without removing the IEP team and parents from the
decision making process. The GAO Report of last January shows that
these changes are not needed.

Mental Health Equitable Treatment Act of 2001-S.543 & Mental Health
and Substance Abuse Parity Amendments of 2001-H.R.162: - Staff
members of both Senate and House sponsors continue to work for
passage of the new bills rather than stop-gap extension of the
existing law, which expires this week.

Appropriations Bill-H.R.2944: The full House approved the bill on
Tuesday, September 25 and sent it to the Senate without the
controversial cap on legal fees in special education cases.

Family Opportunity Act of 2001 - S.321/H.R.600 - The Senate has not
held the promised mark-up session on this bill even though it has 71
co-sponsors. CHADD continues to believe that this will be beneficial
to families and since funds were included in earlier budget
resolutions, this should be acted upon. Continue to contact your
elected officials and urge action this year.

The Annual CHADD Conference is only THREE DAYS away, October 18-20.
This year, there will be a Networking Session for "Legal
Professionals/ Advocates" on Friday, October 19, at 4:45pm. We hope
to see many of the members of the Volunteer Action Network at the
session. There is also the All-Day Legal Institute on Thursday,
October 18th that has been approved for CLE (legal education) credit.
In addition, the following sessions should be useful for ongoing
advocacy efforts during the coming year:

FRIDAY-October 19th

FA1, 10:30am-12:00 Writing IEPs and 504 Plans - Strategies for
Academic Success, Matt Cohen
FB5, 1:30-2:45pm Behavior Management and School Discipline, William Dussault
FC2, 3:15-4:30pm Punishment vs. Discipline, Karen Meade and Wanda Chandler
FC6, 3:15-4:30pm Managed Health Care, Clarke Ross, Daniel Kessler,
Darcy Gruttadaro,& Matt Cohen

SATURDAY-October 20th

SA1,10:30am-12:00 Preventing and Reducing School Failure and Youth
Violence, Mark Katz & Marlene Snyder
SB5, 1:30-2:45pm Legal Rights of Kids with AD/HD, Matt Cohen
SB9, 1:30-2:45pm Securing Services for Kids with AD/HD and
Co-existing Conditions, Valerie Vanaman
SC5, 3:15-4:30pm Developing Positive Behavior Intervention Plan
(BIP), Carl Smith
SC11,3:15-4:30pm Juvenile Justice and AD/HD, Judge Gerald Rouse

For more information on the conference, see http://www.chadd.org/conference.htm

===== Please Tell Us! =====

We thank members for their responses to the Newsletter and the
articles on Tips on the management of Adult ADD. Any other comments,
suggestions, or criticisms will be greatly appreciated. Please
continue to help us make this newsletter more beneficial to you all.

We also invite readers to share their experiences with us and other
members. Please feel free to write to us about anything that you
would like to see published.

You can e-mail your comments to us at CHADD_Dimples@....
Simply replying to this e-mail will also send your message to the
right place.

======== Calendar of Events ==========
10/16/2001, Tues. 7-9pm - Marin
Drop in Support Group, for Adults and Teens with ADHD and Significant Others
Marin Community Mental Health, Greenbrae - Contact: Beverlee: 415-789-9464
============================
10/17/2001, Wed. Reg: 7pm, Meet 7:30pm - Santa Clara
Palo Alto Adult, Parent and Spouse Support Groups, Separate
peer-facilitated groups let you share struggles and strategies with
each other. Includes video.
Friends Meeting House, Palo Alto - Contact: Santa Clara Warmline: 650-949-5472
============================
****************************
10/18/2001, through 10/20/01 CHADD Thirteenth Annual Conference on
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
Communicating the Science of AD/HD: From Fiction to Fact
Anaheim Marriot, Anaheim, CA - Contact: See Website:
http://www.chadd.org/conference.htm
****************************
============================
10/24/2001, Wed. 9-10:30am - Marin
Support Group for Parents of Children / Teens with ADHD, Share your
concerns with a parent who really understands.
10 Glen Drive, Mill Valley - Contact: Mary Jo Sorensen: 415-388-8817
============================
10/24/2001, Wed. 7:15 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. - Santa Clara
Kitty Petty ADD/LD Institute Meeting, Discussion of and sharing
successful ADHD/LD strategies and coping skills with other like
ADDults
Friends Meeting House, Palo Alto - Contact: Kitty Petty ADD/LD
Institute: 650-329-9443
============================
10/25/2001, Thu. 6-8:00 PM PST - Online
Sari Solden - Women with ADHD,
CHADD Online Chat, Internet - Contact: Message Line: 510-291-2950
============================
11/6/2001, Tues. 6:45 p.m. - Sacramento
AD/HD Update, The Most Current Research and Information - Dr. John
Capel PhD, Sacramento area Psychologist and CHADD Board member. ,
Tonight will also have highlights of the CHADD conference.
Sutter Center for Psychiatry, Sacramento - Contact: Greater
Sacramento CHADD: 916-863-1390
============================
11/7/2001, Wed. Reg: 7pm, Meet 7:30pm - Santa Clara
Palo Alto Educational Meeting - Coaching and Organizing: Questions
and Answers. Karen Grossman, Professional Organizer and Coach. , An
informal, very brief talk, with plenty of time for questions.
Friends Meeting House, Palo Alto - Contact: Santa Clara Warmline: 650-949-5472
============================
11/7/2001, Wed. 7-9 pm - Contra Costa
Walnut Creek Adult Topical Meeting - Getting Organized, Ongoing,
confidential support groups for Adults with ADHD
Kaiser Mental Health, Walnut Creek - Contact: Donna Love: 925-687-4324
============================
11/7/2001, Wed. 7:30pm - San Francisco
Women's ADD Support Group, Please Call Lynn to confirm times and
locations before attending.
CPMC Davies Campus, San Francisco - Contact: Lynn: 415-621-1078
============================
11/13/2001, Tues. 7-9pm - Marin
Procrastination - Deborah Lancaster, Come learn practical, useful
solutions and techniques to use in overcoming our natural tendencies
toward procrastination and disorganization. Deborah's expertise is in
helping people overcome the various obstacles commonly associated
with ADHD which prevent us from accomplishing our goals. Deborah is
an ADDult who was invited to host the first ADD support group on
America Online. She then developed the Procrastinator's Workshop,
which helped hundreds of people learn to work with and begin to
overcome their natural tendencies toward procrastination.
Town Center Corte Madera Community Room, Corte Madera - Contact:
Beverlee: 415-789-9464
============================
11/14/2001, Wed. 7 - 9 pm - Sonoma
The Successful ADD Adult and What Parents Need to Know NOW, Ron
Welch, MD, Kaiser Dept. of Psychiatry
Kaiser Hospital Building, Santa Rosa - Contact: Thora Lares: 707-765-4863
============================
11/14/2001, Wed. 7 - 9 pm - Alameda
Tri-Valley Parent Support Meeting,
Thomas J. Hart Middle School, Pleasanton - Contact: JoAnn Matone: 925-484-2173
============================
11/15/2001, Wed. Reg: 7pm, Meet 7:30pm - Santa Clara
Palo Alto Adult, Parent and Spouse Support Groups, Separate
peer-facilitated groups let you share struggles and strategies with
each other. Includes video.
Friends Meeting House, Palo Alto - Contact: Santa Clara Warmline: 650-949-5472