Hello All Again,
I'd like to Thank EVERYONE for all their help the other day with my dad. I
called his Doctors nurse and she said it did sound like a sizuir, excuse my
spelling. He's been taking Dilantin 3 times a day, but she said she would look
him over Friday when he goes in for Radiation Treatment. She kinda hurt my
feelings just a little even though i know she didn't mean too. She asked me if I
had slacked off on giving his medications any? If there's one thing I would
never do is not, not give my dad the meds that he needs. I take pride in doing
that and careing for him the best that I can and on my own. And that's what I am
missing bad. I love my dad and would NEVER trade taking care of him for anything
in the world. But I think the last 4 months is taking a toll on me now. As I
have said that I live right across the yard from him, but have been sleeping at
his house since my mom died on Sept 20th. I am now letting my kids stay the
nights over here with me. It's hard and I know my husband
would keep them home with him while I am over here caring for my dad, but I do
love my girls and I miss being a mom to them as well. SO now besides staying up
with my dad til sometimes 3:00 in the morning I also have to get my kids up at
6:00 a.m. for school and then nap and then wake my dad at 10:00 to get him ready
to go to his Radiation Treatments. Wears me out big time, but I love the time I
have with my kids and my dad. But all of it is starting to take a toll on me BIG
TIME. Like tonight, my husband left Tuesday to Dallas Texas for schooling for
his job, I know he had to go and his school is from 8:00 a.m. til 3:00 p.m. and
after wards he has fun. His whole trip is paid for by John Deer who he works
for, and they get to stay in nice luxary hotels and they even have a company
credit card to go dine out on. And he just came back tonight ( well Thurs night
) and I wouldn't talk to him much. I don't know why?? I know he has to go to
these schools and I am HAPPY that he got to get
a break from here and enjoy himself. But I fell so left out. He egts to go
hunting and on buisness trips and to his parents alone cause i have to be here
to watch my dad 24-7 . For 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT I have not been out my front yard
much less go anywhere, Once a week ( NO LIE ) I get out the house for about an
hour long enough to RUSH to town and pay some bills and get a few groceries then
rush back home. I have NOONE to watch my dad when I do these things. My husband
works and my kids are in school, neighbors all work and my sister, WELL SHe
never offers any help what so ever. And by the time my husband gets off work ,
then it's too late to pay bills, so I tell my dad to sit in his recliner and I
turn the ringer on the phone off cause it bugs him and I make sure he has used
the bathroom and I make sure he has the phone by him and his drinks and a snack
and i beg him not to move intil I get back so I am ALWAYS rushing, no matter
what I do. EVEN when I walk across the yard to my
house to do a load of laundry I have to rush, so my kids don't get on his
nerves while I am across the yard or he goes nuts if I am not in his sight. As I
have said plenty of times I really don't have any friends here, my friends
consits of my dad, husband, kids, so called sister and my nieghbor who I don't
really talk too much cause she is on the road 24-7 with her own friends.And the
you all in these groups. I've tried hinting around and begging and asking
someone , anyone just to give me a break. I love my dad with all my heart, but I
feel like I am in prison., From the time I wake up, it medicine time and then
hearing him bitch that he doesn't want to go to radiation no more cause it's an
hour drive away from our home for only a 4 minute treatment. Every 2 minutes
constantly asking ( is it time yet? How much longer do we have before we leave?
) I have No relationship with my husband what-so-ever and when my dad does go to
bed early ( ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE ) then I am even too
tired to spend time with my husband. I finally went to a doctor and she put me
on depression pills and ANxity pills and it's helps alot, I do feel better. But
what I need is a break. I called Hospice and they said I need a referal from my
dads doctor and they won't help intil his radiation is done and even then , thay
are NOT sitters. I am so bored,lonely,sad. I've tried getting him out the house
justto go sit at the park or senior citizines club anything, but he barely goes
out his front door. SOme day he is o.k. Like the other night I finally got him
to eat some spaghetti and a cup of tomatoes soup ( regular food tastes bitter to
him ) and now tonight he wouldn't eat much and was feeling real weak and tired
and grumpy BIG TIME, I know he is going though alot, but geez I can't answer
every question he has, like he yells cause he is loosing his hair and sometimes
after 10 at night he can't urinate and why is he weak and is he going to get
better and he wishes he would die and stuff
like that and the hardest part is trying to keep a fake smile on my face
through it all. EVen though inside I am crying my heart out seeing him like this
and hearing him yell all the time about this and that .....Like my husband
couldn't understand why I was in such a non talkiv mood today. Well of course,
he came back from a 3 day vacation while i live in the fast lane and don't even
have time for my self to cry and then he askes me infront of my dad ( whats
wrong babe, how come your not talking? ) knowing I won;t answer him in front of
my dad and knowing that i know the reason he did it cause he doesnt want to hear
about my day cause it might kill his good mood. I feel like a prisoner. No
friends, no time to myself, if watch t.v then he askes whats all on, and me
knowing he wants to watch an old movie that i wont be interested in and if I get
on here then every 2 mins he is asking if my sister is on or starts complaing
that he is boring me as to why i am on here and the he wishes
he would die so i can have a life so then I talk and talk and talk to comfort
him letting him know that i am just playing games on here is all giveing him
time to himself and by the time I am through telling him that I love taking care
of him, my head hurts and the I am too tired to even touch the computer,. My
friend called the other nioght from ohio ( she is 53 I am 30 ) but she is my
best friend, well the phone is right by my dad , so I couldnt console in her and
cry to her about how I feel or what I am going through ( she used to be an RN )
and he even mutes the tv and askes me what she all has good to say. SOmetimes I
tell my kids something and he is their saying what? whats going on? Is
everything ok> SO there I am ignoreing my kids to exsplain to him about what i
am TRYING to tell my kids. If he goes into the bathroom and me or my sister or
husband talks while he is in their he comes out asking ( what ya'll was talking
about me ) and I say no and have to prove to him that we
wasnt , by telling him our whole conversation so he would shut up or before he
gets upset and starts his I wish I was dead stuff again. On his good days we
laugh and joke and watch movies but on his bad days like today geez I wish i was
on an island somewhere all alone with a supply of beer or something. Sorry this
is so long ya'll. As i said my husband is getting tired of my depressing days i
guess cause it bums him out,. then he gets mad cause I am never in the mood to
be with him, and it's not like we have the time or privavcy anyways,.between
kids and my dad.,I am just so lonely and need a break big time and believe me I
HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING and EVERYONE THAT i know to help me and NOTHING, The only
time anyone comes around is when hes real sick and they think its the end or if
its a birthday or something they eat then run. Even when my husband gets off
work i try to lay on the couch to take a little nap and he so called plays with
me by yelling ( hey wake up ) knowing i am
tired and he pisses me off when he does that , and i be damned he does the same
thing the days after over and over , I think he does it so he doesnt have to
keep my dad intertained,. evryone always thinks ( oh tammy will do it ) and our
idea about moving my dads built on addition ( living room ) onto out trailer,
well its been weeks now andmy husband still hasnt tried to find a mover, one day
he said he called around and left messages and then the next days i will ask (
well did anyone call back yet ) and he will say he never called anyone yet>
grrrrrrrrrrr its getting toooo cold to be running back and forths across my yard
doing laundry and caring for 2 homes and crap. We would save so much money being
in one household but he says he wants to move it onto ours but yet he isnt
trying and the holidays are comming up fast. Well i have talked enoiught my
fingers are hurting and it 2:10 in te morning and I am tired, after 10 days ( NO
LIEING ) i FINALLY Got to bath today, most days i
just wash off in the bathroom and clean myself real good, but tonight i too a
long bath and when i got out my husband and dad said ( you took long enough huh?
we thought you drowned ) i got pissed and said what after 10 days i now have a
time limit on baths and they said they was joking but it hurts damn it cant they
see that? I am too tired to jooke. well anyways enought for now, i talk to much
sorry folks bye Tammy ( StOrMy_ChOaS )



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