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Good for you, Delia. What a way to pull yourself out of the slumps! You've inspired me.
It always amazes me how often I read posts and hear some of my own feelings being expressed. How many of you feel that your identity has been transformed since your diagnosis? What I related to when I read Delia's post is how good it feels when we immerse ourselves in something and allow ourselves to forget about what has happened by becoming totally focused on the "now" instead of the "then" or "later".
Previous to my diagnosis in 1999 I had devoted a lot of time to imagery and meditation, focusing on living in the "present moment". Once I became a "brain tumor patient", it seems I slipped into the mentality of focusing on "what happened" and "what's going to happen" instead of the present. I once heard a phrase that I never forgot... it went something like this: "When you have one foot in the past and the other foot in the future, you P all over the present." I always loved that saying...
I don't want to come across like I'm expressing self-pity here, not in the least. In fact, I am one of the many lucky ones who feels my life has been enriched in an odd sort of way by my diagnosis. What I am saying is, not a day goes by that I don't feel like a brain tumor patient. In fact, I can honestly say that an hour doesn't go by without me consciously being aware of it. I've thought about this many times and I suppose it's normal considering...
Does anybody else feel like this? I mean, once I married, I was aware of my new role as a "spouse"... once I had a child, I was forever a "mother"... once I graduated from nursing school, I was a "nurse". etc. etc. Is it the same thing for me to always feel like a "brain tumor patient"?
So, when I read Delia's post I had to wonder... was part of the reason you felt so good (besides the fact that you accomplished something wonderful, enjoyed it, grew and felt good about it!) - was part of it because you were able to break away from that BT mindset and actually forget about it for a while? Maybe this is something we should all strive to do more often for ourselves. Maybe it would become easier and easier to do.
Whoa! A little philosophical today, aren't I? I know I'm babbling a bit, but I figured if there were people out there who would understand what the heck I'm talking about, there would be no better place to find them!
Any thoughts on this?
Your rambling friend,
Trisha
-----Original Message-----Hi mates,
From: Camachoent@... [mailto:Camachoent@...]
Sent: Thursday, October 16, 2003 6:00 PM
To: Brainsurgery@yahoogroups.com; meningioma@...
Subject: [brain tumor] MNG My blend of emotions
I haven't posted for a while, but I thought I'd share a special experience in my life.
I don't know if this happens when your life is threatened in any way, but I found myself yearning to get reacquainted with old friends from school. Because I have been feeling rather unhappy and helpless in my health department these days, I decided to go out and attain a little bit of happiness no matter how I got it.
I'd been yearning to see friends I hadn't seen in 30 years! So I went into classmates.com and found some of them, which prompted me to get in touch with them and organize a reunion.
After weeks of emailing and calls, our long-awaited reunion took place this past Sunday evening! It was such a thrill, to say the least, to be able to see friends I hadn't seen for so long. We shared hugs, pictures, stories, anecdotes, you name it. It did my heart and soul good! That reunion eventually led to our own website.
I feel such a sense of accomplishment, not to mention relief to have had the opportunity to see each other again and to be able to continue keeping in touch.
It was a lot of work but oh, it was well worth it.
You see, even though we may not be aware of it, there are still some things that we are still able to control. I made one of my dreams come true.
Take a break from hospitals and doctors, and do something that will make you feel, what's that word? Ah, yes,....HAPPY. Most of all, simplify your life. Do things that satisfy you. Before I get called into the hospital next week, my husband and I are going dancing!
I love to help patients in any way possible, that are experiencing what I did many years ago and am still experiencing. But when I get too empathetic, that's where I have to draw the line and think of myself and keep myself from getting too involved. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't afford it. I'm too emotional and sentimental.
I guess I still have to work on that.
In the personal department, I have become closer to members in my family that support me, while sort of keeping away those that just have negative things to say and that I feel could affect me.
This was good news, now for the bad news. There's a 14-year-old from my church, who was diagnosed with a very rare form of brain tumor. I tried to help him and his family as much as I could but recently found out from his family that he has been given 3 months to live. The tumor spread to his lungs. He is now bedridden. I couldn't bring myself up to seeing him again but I spoke to his family. His name is Javier. I think that I have that survivors guilt and I had to get help to deal with it.
Dealing with anyone's death is difficult, but when it involves an innocent child, that's a different story.
Love,
Delia
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