Often times when I read about other mommies, who have suffered a
traumatic birth experience, I hear about the solution of taking a
more natural approach in subsequent pregnancies by having an out-of-
hospital birth.

But what do you do when your birth trauma was caused by the hands of
the solution?

Long before I even conceived my first child, I started interviewing
midwives, birth centers and hospitals. I had an entire library of
books on the subject of giving birth before I was even pregnant. I
wanted the safest most natural birth possible for my baby.

Our baby was born at a freestanding birth center and delivered by a
licensed midwife in Florida. Our baby was in distress during labor,
which we were not informed of, suffered severe respiratory distress
at birth, which the midwife denied was occurring, and finally when
our baby stopped breathing CPR and chest compressions were performed.
Our baby was transported by ambulance, admitted to the NICU and then
transported by helicopter and admitted to a second NICU. Our baby was
on a heart-lung bypass for 7 days...(yes, seven days)! Our baby was
diagnosed with brain damage and underwent the most horrific testing
and procedures that you can imagine on a daily basis during the 32
days she spent in the NICU.

All that being said, God had truly blessed our family because our
baby did survive.

A part of me, however, died that day.

Four years later I still have nightmares, however, they are less
frequent than they once were. I have re-lived the entire experience
countless times in my head and although the horror fades, the
memories do not go away. And the guilt that I will always carry for
choosing to trust the wrong medical professional with the birth of
one of my most precious gifts in life is much greater than most can
understand. Every time my child has to under go yet another
procedure, treatment or test in hopes of continuing to heal some of
the repercussions from their birth...I know that their pain could
have been completely prevented had I not chosen the wrong medical
professional.

I am SO eternally greatful that my child is still alive. I realize
many woman are not so fortunate. Our child has made a miraculous
recovery and although my child still has many "quality of life"
issues they are not nearly what the doctors had expected. My child
can walk and talk and has the most wonderful laugh. My child can run,
and play, and write their name. We are soooo very blessed.

Yet, my child still suffers physically and emotionally on a daily
basis. My child has been traumatized and continues to be traumatized
by her on going medical experiences.

My heart breaks for our child. I am traumatized by what our child has
been and continues to go through. My child is my hero. The strength
and courage that they have shown is much greater than my own.

Our entire family has suffered by our traumatic birth experience. It
has taken a toll on our marriage, although we are still married. It
has taken a toll on us financially. Our recentsubsequent "surprise"
child was robbed of the joyful newborn bonding experience they might
have had, had I not been so terrified of birth and had I not been
reliving the events of our first birth. Their infancy was also robbed
of some joy because I was plagued with guilt of enjoying a normal
newborn experience that I did not have with my first child. They are
still robbed of my time, energy and attention that have to go toward
caring for my special needs first child.

I have difficulty believing in myself and at times still doubt my own
judgement.

So very few people seem to be able to understand, relate and
empathize. I was hoping someone here might be able to.