I've puzzled about why relationship/marriage is not a priority with
me. Someone suggested that it was because I was already in a
really bad marriage, as I was a witness and confidante in my
mother's misery during her own marriage. Sad, but true. I did not
see any of the joy that must have once existed in that relationship
but I was told things that no child ought to hear. I heard. I was a
witness. I remember too vividly what I heard, what I saw. Awful.

Then I found my Aspie dx at 60. That helps to explain why I am
able to survive at such a distance from others, why I need space.
Why the fear of contact outweighs the occasional pangs of what
might be loneliness or longing for a significant other to share my
life, to share splendid sunsets and wonderful rainbows. Ah...

http://tinyurl.com/96axt will deliver a site that reviews a film I saw
yesterday and am thinking about this morning. The film -- Blue
Valley Songbird (1999) -- features the music of Dolly Parton, a
voice that transports me to another plane. The film explores
relationships in a way that I found interesting, particularly when
Dolly identifies what it is that makes relationships work. Yes!
Witnessing is what it's all about. Two people agree to witness
the lifetime of each other, to be a record that the other exists. In a
big wide world of bustling folks, having a witness validates one's
existence. Makes sense to me. We all need a witness, a friend,
a person who remembers who we were Back When, someone
to celebrate our survival, our bravery, our victories. Someone
who knows who we are under the facade, the armor. Ah, yes!

I've never quite figured out why coupling is not a priority in my life.

Giving up boundaries is what I've experienced, losing sight of my
own self and my self-interest has taken a toll on my efforts to find
a kindred soul, a friendship that endures life's ups and downs.

And yet, as I grow older and my friends -- mostly older folk -- are
folding their tents and gliding off into the mist of forever, I find it a
comforting idea to think of having someone witness my life. It is
distressing to think that my passing may be unnoticed, that I
leave behind no trace, no child, no memory of what I was. It is a
shock to discover that my siblings do not see 'our' life as I do.
Probably a shock to them as well, if witnessing and validating is
what they want from me. We shared a house, lots of houses,
over a couple of decades, and we had different experiences of
what went on -- or did not go on -- during those early years. My
own parents had a different life, quite apart from the lives lived by
their offspring. I'm pretty sure they found us disconcertingly
different from them, from their small-town bias and fears. We
were barely acquainted, in spite of having spent years behind the
same four walls. Not enough communication, I suppose, to let
us children know who we were supposed to be. By the time we
were formed, our parents wondered where we got our ideas. So
I am not familiar with family relationships, with good boundaries.
That has been part of the reluctance to form a family of my own,
to find a soulmate, a life partner. I did not know the value of
having a witness to grow old along with me. Ah, but now I know.

So I tuned in to hear more of Dolly Parton's sweet singing, and I
got an answer to a lifelong question: Why do folks pair up? How
do they tolerate the tension that I feel when I'm too close for too
long to anyone? Oh, they don't feel that tension that I feel? Ah, I
see. No, not really. It's hard to believe that others do not feel the
tension that builds in me as I am with people -- even people I
like a lot. Even with people I yearn to be close to, I feel urgently
that I must separate, move away, get to myself so I can process
all that I feel but cannot process while I'm straining to be present
and to be alert for signals. Yes, there's that tension -- always --
for me. Even with people I like, I cannot just relax and be me.

The best part of the film -- apart from Dolly's piercingly pure voice
singing lyrics of her own composition -- is the concept that our
relationships are about witnessing, validating our reality. -Zer
(who wonders if this strikes anyone else as being radical and a
really good answer to a question about why folks tolerate each
other in close proximity as lives overlap and merge or submerge
into a blended 'us-ness' or 'we-ness' that erases individuality)