I am now taking two kinds of pain meds, muscle relaxers, anti-
depressants, valume, sinus medication and migrain meds. I feel like a
walking medicine chest. I have to take meds every few hoours and am
still in pain most of the time. My back doc doesn't want to give me
anything stronger because he thinks I will become addicted to them.
He expects me to just sit here in pain and learn to deal with it. I
am calling my regular family doc tomorrow to see if he'll give me a
referall to see a pain managment doc that I used to see. Maybe then I
will get some relief.

My shrink says that my anxiety and depression is being caused by all
the problems I am having with my back. He upped my doses of my valume
and Paxil to see if the paxil will help at all. If it doesn't we will
have to try something else. I feel so out of control that it is
driving me nuts.

I keep losing my concentration and find myseld daydreaming a lot
lately. It feels like I live in a fog most of the time and I cant
remember even simple daily tasks that need to be done unless I leave
myself notes all around the house. I keep hoping that this will get
better but I know it probably never will. I just want to live a
relativly normal life and be able to do things with my kids that
other parents get to do. I want to give them the world and I cant
even take them for simple walks. I feel like I have cheated them out
of so much that I wish I could give them.

I want to feel positive about something in my life and everytime I
try all I can see is what I cant do instead of what I can. I want to
find hope again. I want to live my life to the fullest and not be so
afraid that I will hurt myself. I need to learn how to cope and I
cant seem to see how anyone could. If any of you have any ideas I'm
open for any suggestions. I need all the help I can get.

Becca