Dear Members;

Some of you may have noticed a reduction in my postings to the ASk Pamela Yahoo
Group.  I have been placing time into other literary pieces, one of which is a
book titled; "Thoughts Take Shape".

I have placed a sample of the book on a web site.  The site also has more
information about my autistic eccentricities and gifts.   Feel free to learn
more about austism through my eyes.

I anticipate more useful information coming your way via this Group, but in the
meantime, I will keep my nose to the grindstone and get some real meat and
potatoes served your way.  (I just love the visuals that figures of speech can
provide. :)

PS:  Much thanks to Group member Lauren for encouraging me to get more
information out to the autistic community!  The link to the web site: 
http://www.adoorin.com

As always, thanks for ASking!
Pamela Kluth

Like the canary in the mine shaft, autistics may be the ones
heralding the warning that there is "too much" in the world to
today.  We are often first to recognize and react to the excessive
stimuli…and let me tell you, it is a very noisy and distracting
world.  Everyday, we are surrounded by a symphony of sounds and
sensory stimulation competing for our attention.  Most people can
filter and manage this symphony better than us, but when you add in
additional stress like deadlines, appointments and a fast pace to
the world, then most humans will loose their attention and are less
functioning.

It is a topic that needs our awareness.  "Too much" reduces
functioning capacity and causes more stress. This interferes with
the ability to focus and disrupts flow.  It also consumes mental
energy that could be better applied elsewhere.  Schools and other
public facilities recognize the importance of simplicity and how
environments affect everyone, so awareness and shifts to reduce
distractions is good for all.

So what can you learn from us canaries so that your mind may
function at a higher capacity?

*** Everything matters.  There are more layers than meets the
eye.  Attention to reducing stress of the senses can be brought to
every aspect of living and working to bring forth higher
functioning.

*** Less energy consumed on filtering peripheral stimulus means
application of mental energy elsewhere.  Visit your home, work place
or yourself as if was for the first time, picking out where
reductions of stimulus can be made:  Colors, clutter, traffic noise,
fans, television, flickering of lights, strong smells, uncomfortable
clothing or seating are some examples.

*** Organizing your home and work can improve functioning.
Disorganization is distracting, creates negative stress and mental
exhaustion.  It changes your own harmonics and can ripple out and
affect others.

*** Get your thoughts and body back in sync.  Yes, this is
possible.  Neuroscience has proven what I naturally discovered.
When I need to put my self back in order, I listen to music.  It is
amazing what 20 minutes with a head set and good music does to help
me function at a higher capacity.

Those on the Autistic spectrum or with sensory issues are often
given the label of attention deficit, although sometimes
incorrectly.  Why?  One reason may be that we often portray the
symptoms because mental resources are taxed to the max by the age of
information overload in which we live in.  It is a lot of work to
filter the abundant layers of noises, smells and other sensory
stimuli.  A world with "too much" equals too much mental energy
burned on filtering.

  Whatever your link may be to autism, launching a goal to remove
distractions and bring more simplicity and organization into your
life will herald more harmony and productive accomplishments for
yourself and those around you.   Elizabeth Seaton stated this
plainly; "Live simply that others might simply live.  "

Pamela Kluth ©2008
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TracyAnne has provided an update in regards to the loss of her job
discussed in "Understanding the Culture of People".

Her challenging journey over the past year reflects personal growth
in leaps and bounds.  The reason she needed to move on to a new job
is evident by what opened up for her on her path.   I hope you enjoy
her update as much as I did.
Pamela Kluth

TracyAnne writes:
" you are right about all of that. thankyou for saying it. I was so
mad when i wrote.Im am sorry for my fit sometimes it comes out of
me.
I got a job that i like ALOT better. When i talked to the lady that
hired me I told her all about myself the best i could so I cold ask
for help so no more missunderstanding would happen.She made it clear
the she knew how i felt and her brother has what i have. Iv been
working with her for a while and she always coments on the good
parts
of the autism. She has given me so much inspiration! I dont know how
to express the happyness i feel.  I also finished two weeks at the
other place so thay were not left high and dry. It worked out for
the
best. thay did not show any appreciation but i know thay were happy.
Thay would have had a hard two weeks if i would have.  Thay made it
clear thay did not want me and I left it in my head that i did not
want to be there. This is the first time i was able to deal with
being treated like that and still stick it out with out lashing out.
I deffended my self like a 22 year old instead of a 6 year old got
my
point accross and did not burn any briges. i feel like the writting
and such with all the stuff i do has helped. I will keep trying to
get better. Thankyou Pamela"

Fitting into society has difficulties for many people, but it can be
especially challenging based on the circumstances.  Imagine yourself
for a moment, moving to another country to live where traditions,
language and culture is drastically different than your homeland.

The discomfort you may have imagined is similar to what many of us
autistics experience every day.  It requires mindful work to
function well in a society that defies our natural laws of
thinking.

TracyAnne, a fellow autistic, chose a career as a professional
hairdresser, which is rich for learning about the culture of people,
but this career can also be filled with human drama.  TracyAnne has posted
before and you can find our exchange in the history log.  This time she writes: 
"People don't understand me"

  "so i lost my job today pamela. i had a little boy and his mom come
in alittle while ago. i asked her 2 times if she wanted me to "cut
the hair over the ear"

she would not come over so i have a hard time showing her like i
normaly do. i have a 15 to 20 min time limit on hair cuts so i cut
it. i guess her little boy was happy because his hair was thick and
hot but she was not

she complained till i was fired she complained the first time and we
gave her free hair cut slips she came back so we gave her money back
she came back again and asked for the tip back and made shore to lut
everyone know she was not ever going to come back the she complained
to corp over phone she kept going tell i lost my job.

i feel so sad i tryed so hard to keep this job and understand people
and talk right but i failed again my boss told me i should have
asked if she wanted me to cut the ear out. she thought for some
reson i can not figure out that i ment did she want me to cut the
hair that lyed over the ear like a trim i dont understand why she
thought i would even ask her that can you the older i get the more i
just hate people."

Dear TracyAnne;

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your job.  I can understand
your frustration with people.  I often say I do not care for people
either, but we live in a world filled with them, so what is an
autistic supposed to do with this frustration?

First, I recommend putting this dilemma into perspective.  I will
try to do this by comparing your dislike with another emotional
situation:  If you got sunburned by staying in the sun too long, it
is justified for you to hold a future dislike for the sun, but the
sun is part of this world, so you take measures to make sure you do
not get burned again.  You can not change the sun, but you can
change how you interact with it by use of sunscreen, hats, shade or
other methods to prevent from getting burned again.

In my opinion, people are like the sun.  It is easy to get burned if
we do not change how we interact with them.  Like the sun, we can
not change the source, but we can change ourselves.  As you know, I
am a fan of the technique utilizing "awareness & mindfulness".  As
stated in Wikipedia; "Mindfulness is awareness of one's thoughts,
actions or motivations."  Both of those techniques are briefly
summed up on http://en.wikipedia.org/  ~  search by entering each
key word.

Your practice of writing me and describing the events is a form of
mindfulness or "De-briefing" as I mentioned to you in the past.
Replaying difficult or confusing events or keeping a journal is also
a good technique that allows reflection while writing.  By reviewing
the event you wrote about, you may have already begun to see the
bigger picture.  In addition, many autistics are often good at
picking out patterns, so finding your strengths, weaknesses and
reactions that comprise your interactions with others may allow you
to be more aware of how you need to deal with isssues as they are
happening or in the future.

Secondly, reflecting on highly emotional events like loosing a job
or on other confusing interactions is a good time to consciously
resolve and "erase" any anger you may hold.   If you can't erase the
anger, then you carry emotions that can affect how you interact with
others.  This may have been the case with the mother who was unable
to communicate with you.  From your description, she appeared
distracted and angry by something else going on in her life.   You
may have just triggered an issue that was already raw and near her
surface.  If she was better at releasing her anger with other events
in her life, I doubt she would have reacted the way she did to
you.

You wrote a set of mantras last year that you were going to put to
practice after our last exchange.  One mantra said:  "We as people
are all confused trying to find our way through this black
tunnel."    That was an excellent statement as were the others you
expressed.   I hope you are still referencing to your mantras and have erased
your anger for this situation.  If so, then you have done well to be ready for
the next job that will come your way.

Lastly, I do not believe that the major events in our lives are
accidents.  Dramatic events catch our attention and are often the
perfect catylsts for our growth.  People that do not grow, tend to
brew around in their own anger or drama.  (Like the mother in the
salon)  Perhaps it was time for you to graduate from that workplace
to another one that holds even more opportunity for growth and
understanding people.  In the meantime, I wish you well in
remembering that "You can not change other people, but with
practice, you can change how you interact with them~One experience
at a time. "

Thanks for asking!
Pamela Kluth©2008

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Lauren Culp Asks;

"I would like to learn more about the discovery of having
autism/Asperger as an adult. How was the discovery of having the
diagnosis of Autism for people who were not diagnosed as children?

Dear Lauren;

For me personally, the discovery of the real meaning behind the word
and the connection of Autism to myself was life altering.

As a child, I had never heard the word mentioned.  My first exposure
to the word autistic, was when it was used as a jest-like insult
directed to me by my now ex-husband.  He often called me "Autistic"
when he was irritated with me, but I always thought that the meaning
was the equivalent to being artistic.  I have the ability to draw or
paint realistic pictures as if they were a photograph, so I
ignorantly took the insult as if it were a compliment.   Sometimes
ignorance is bliss.

Like many people, my first exposure to the meaning of the word
Autism was initiated with the popular Rain-Man movie.  Dustin
Hoffman plays a character with severe Autism with many similar
quirks that I knew I had spent a life-time either hiding or
battling.  To witness the meaning of the word through his acting was
a huge Aha moment for me.

It prompted me to research and ask questions to those who knew me
and to people who specialize in this field.   The more I learned
about Autism, the more I learned about myself.  After extensive
digging, It was reassuring to know that the many layers of things that affected
me,but went unnoticed by others, really did exist.  I realized that I was not
loosing my mind- my mind was just wired differentlyand so were many others like
me.

Up until the Rain Man movie, I did not spend much time trying to
figure out why I did things differently than others because I was too busy
mirroring my behavior to fit in.  I became skilled at "witnessing myself"
interacting in the world~ but I watched, not really understanding much about the
things that made me uncomfortable or rocked my core.   I also had a lifetime of
watching how others reacted to me; monitoring myself and playing the chameleon
that allowed me to fit in.  This was exhausting, especially in the professional
world.  My absorption into technology and wanting to know every detail of my
profession consumed the rest of my time, so there was not much left for study of
myself or how my brain worked.

The discovery of Autism for me opened up a new direction of
introspection.  I looked closer at myself and to the person who I
shared my house with.  I legally separated from my husband and took
a 9 month personal and professional sabbatical dedicated for
discovery of self.   The applicable word of autism has allowed me to
be more accepting of myself and less concerned about what others may
think about me.  The connection to the word is not an excuse, but it
allowed me to be more accepting of my differences.

For other adults I have met on the spectrum, the connection to the
word has also prompted a path of self-discovery.  Despite the ripple
event in my life that eventually delivered a divorce, it was one of
the BEST things that has happened to me.  I discovered that trying
to be like everyone else did not make me better, it just made me
fake and hyper-sensitive to what others thought of me.  I found that
every person, autistic or not, has unique wiring in their brain and
they have history and environments that affect who they are.  I
discovered the real meaning behind the word empathy-for myself and
for others.

Thank you for asking Lauren.  May you and other readers have a
blessed and uplifting Holiday

December 24, 2007
Pamela Kluth©
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Dear Norah;

Your question about how you can get out of going to a professional
social event without making anyone mad at you brought back memories
of my own history of corporate blunders.   Despite the numerous
embarrassing moments, I managed to move successfully up the
corporate ladder.

Your "Aspie Advisor" may have some validity in that we do risk a
chance at blundering, and perhaps under extreme circumstances, could
loose a job.  In that same comparison, I must point out that a one-
year old learning to walk could fall down and seriously get hurt
while learning a skill that does not come naturally.   Should we
remove the joy of exploration for things that could happen?  No,I
recommend approaching a risky situation with preparedness.

Here are a few suggestions;

1.) Arrive and stay at the event with "mindfulness";

a. Under no circumstances should you consume anything that does
not allow you to maintain control of your brain, especially alcohol.

b. I spend more time calming my brain before an event than I do
fixing my hair.  If I feel anxious, I do meditation or take time in
the car to ground myself and rid any nervous energy.

c. Reciting mantras applicable to what you will keep in mind
can be useful. One example would be; "Listen more, talk less".

2) Most people love to talk about themselves. (This is the best
tip I ever learned.)

a.  If you are in a social work situation, then ask them about
what consumes their time when they are away from work.  This
question is applicable even if you asked them the same question a
month ago.

b. It is easy to turn conversation back into their lap if they
ask you questions.  I make my responses brief and then turn it with
a follow up question to them about their family, or if they have had
any fun vacations lately.

3) Research social rules and conversation skills.

a. My saving grace was listening to a series of tapes on
professional etiquette and conversation skills during long commute
times.  There is also good information on the web. (Search
under "social etiquette", "conversation skills" and "work
etiquette").  Even www.youtube.com has videos on conversation skills!

There is much to be gained professionally if you learn how to play
the social game, so I can not help you escape an event with an
excuse.  It was a learned skill and does not come naturally for me.
Before going anywhere public, I prep for the game and can pretend to
enjoy myself, I just don't let anyone see me tapping my heels and
mumbling, "There's no place like home".

Thanks for asking!
Pamela Kluth ©2007

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Greetings to the ASk Pamela Group!

I received a question from Norah in Seattle that I wish to share. I
will respond to her later this week, but I felt members of this
group would appreciate reading how she so eloquently describes a
social dilemma common to many Autistic adults.

I wish to also let you know that I will be holding a workshop in the
Seattle area titled "Inside the Autistic Child" this Friday night,
November 16th.  More details and registration can be found on the
MindSource Center web site:
http://www.mindsourcecenter.com/events.htm

Pamela



Norah writes:

About a year ago now, I was emailing with someone who
  advises people with AS.  I had
mentioned suspecting I have AS, and was talking about
  socializing with some co-workers
one evening.

She told me ***under no circumstances*** should an
  Aspie socialize with co-workers,
unless it is something absolutely required.  She said
  we shouldn't even go to lunch with
them if possible.   The reason for this being, if we
  are around co-workers for anything not
job related we might:

1.  Offend someone by making a comment about someone
  that we think is neutral but
they think is meant to be snarky or a putdown.  (Since
  I think I'm careful in the extreme
about what comments I make about anyone, I asked her
  for an example.  She mentioned
an Aspie she knew who said "Who's that woman over
  there?  She sure is fat!" at a company
party or picnic, in hearing of the president of the
  company, and the woman she
commented on turned out to be his wife.)

2.  Ramble on about something we are interested in but
  no one else is.

3.  Just in general, being around them might get them
  to see what we're really like (in
other words, different or non-NT) and might make them
  think less of us, making it harder
to work with them and maybe making them like us less,
  which might mean we would be in
more danger of losing our jobs in, say, a recession or
  something, even if there wasn't
anything definite we could be fired for.

At the time I was emailing with her, our company was
  having monthly "morale" events
such as barbecues at a house owned by the president of
  the company, a MLB game, and a
couple other things.  I mentioned these to her, and
  she said **no way** should I go to any
of these no matter how much I might want to.  Well, if
  I did have to go to the barbecue, I
should offer to help with something that would keep me
  away from the others, and **keep
my mouth shut*** as  much as possible.  When I
  mentioned the baseball game the
company had got tickets for, that was another no-no.
   I mentioned liking baseball, and
she said that I might talk about it too much to
  co-workers who'd just gone to socialize
and didn't know or care about the sport.

I haven't really stuck to her advice over the past
  year, but then I don't get invited to much
so I don't really have to worry about it that much!
   But nevertheless I was very hurt and
upset by this wholesale advice, as all Aspies are
  different, just like all NT's, and I've met
some very outspoken NT's.   The thing is, I don't
  think I really do these kinds of things.  I
don't talk about stuff when I see others aren't
  interested.  If I'm not sure, I don't talk much
at all except to comment.  I know for the most part
  what an offensive comment might be,
and would be very sensitive not to say something that
  might hurt someone or get them
mad at me.  And even NT's can say some things that
  might be hurtful without the NT
meaning to hurt this person--this is part of being
  human.

Anyway, we have the annual holiday party coming up in
  about a month.  It's at a fancy
downtown restaurant, so I can't volunteer to help with
  something during the dinner unless
I get a job on the staff of the restaurant!  lol   I
  don't have a partner or spouse, so right
away that is one thing that will mark me as different,
  though I don't think everyone is in a
relationship right now so I might not be the only
  person alone.   I really don't want to go,
because not only will there be all my co-workers, but
  clients!  Scary!  I'm worried I'll say
something in front of a client that will put our
  company in a bad light and cause us to lose
business.  Or I might somehow reveal something to the
  owner or his wife or another
influential co-worker that might make them dislike me
  and think twice about keeping me
on if we have a recession.

But I'm worried if I don't go, they will think less of
  me anyway. The HR director is already
thinking less of me because I didn't volunteer to do
  something that my own boss didn't
want me to do anyway.   The owner is also accustomed
  to giving out the holiday bonuses
at the party, and the rumor is that if you don't go to
  the party you don't get the bonus.
(This may be only a rumor!)

How can I get out of going to this gracefully without
  making anyone mad at me?

I recently received an update from TracyAnne that I wanted to share
with the group.

Tracy wrote me back in August because she was suffering from severe
neck pain due to the physical head rocking that came with her
increased anxiety levels.

Her news is positive and insightful as she shares how she is working
through the behavior change.  Personally, I enjoy how she is
mathematically tracking her improvement.   A similar method of
tracking is applied for growing and improving companies in the
business world.  Tracey has naturally applied this skill to herself
and is stead-fast determined to make positive changes.  Self-awareness/
mindfulness is evident in her progress.  You go
girl~Pamela

Tracey writes;

"SO my stemming is a lot better. I have been working really hard on
my
anxiety and stress with a shrink. I also have been seeing a
chiropractor and massage therapist. I have also been using other
forms
of stemming like pamela told me to. I want everyone to know that i
have
been in a lot of pain but it has been worth it. Im starting to get
better. I can tell when im stemming. yes i know i it is weird i could
not tell when i rocked my head back and forth but i could not. I am
making progress with my social situations as well. me and my
therapist
have been practicing communication and so on. I used to rock my head
7
days a week and have bad social interaction at leat 4 out of 7 days a
week. 4/7 .571428571 57% of the time in a week i felt defensive i
have
dropped that to  2/7 .285714285 28% of the time i have dropped my
head
rocking or stemming down from 100% 7/7 or 1, to 1 day out of 7 1/7
or .142857142 or 14%
there is hope if you want it. It HURTS but it WORKS. The massage has
really helped to if you want massage to help you with this i just
want
you to know that the massage school gives good deals and it is good
work they know what they are doing. I want everyone to know you can
do
anything! Good luck"

Good words written by Tracy;

I'm still a victim in my own way. I have gotten over blaming my past
and my disabilities on what I could not accomplish. I have stopped
letting pain still my opportunities away. I still let people take my
power I lut them make me angry. I let them get under my skin.

I need to smile and walk away.

I need to see there weakness and be empathetic and strong in my own
mind.

I will learn to keep my mouth in check and not fall down to the
level of my enemy.

I need to not believe what I do not know for shore.

I need to not see other people as my enemy but as my equal. We as
people are all confused trying to find are way through this black
tunnel.

There is always a second order of reality to every situation.

There is always a higher road.

Its not what you end up with that matters in the end, its who you
are."


From Pamela;
Tracy, you are correct, I liked what you wrote-I placed your email
to the group into "Mantra form" to allow easy recital. (I did not
change your words)

For a long time I had a piece of paper taped to my bath room mirror
with the things I needed to be mindful of.  It was my daily Mantra
until my words were naturally in sync with my actions.  You have
reminded me I should start a new list for myself.   I hope you do
the same with your comments.

Tracy writes about wishing she could tell people about her
boundaries with out them taking it personally.  She states;

"So I had a really hard day at work today. I had a guy come in to get
his hair bleached out. He wanted me to use a 40 volume activator with
bleach. He also wanted me to put him under a dryer. I was had much
anxiety about this. Bleach with 40 volume can really burn some ones
scalp let alone make there hair fall out.

One of my favorite coworkers sat in the chair next to him asking him
all kinds of questions. I did not want her there at the time because
I wanted to concentrate on getting the product on his hair and doing
it fast.

I tried to ask as nicely as I could focusing on trying to sound
tactful
for her not to watch so she would not talk. I did not put the talking
thing in there. She was angered by this and said a mean comment as
she walked away. I was bothered by this and told the customer I was
sorry for the situation. After I was done she yelled at me saying all
kinds of mean things to the point were I was crying. I could not
handle this. I ended up having to leave.

I feel horrible I wish I could tell people my boundrys and have it
not end so horribly all the time. like this time christal my other
co worker just came up and yelled at me for not writting a
appointment down. I did write it down I thought to myself. I
eventualy figguered out what was going on. I wrote the appointment
down on the wrong date. I tryed to tell my co worker as tactfuly as
i could that she was good at what she did and I thought it would be
alot more productive if she helped me figure out what was going on
insted of just yelling and walking away"

My Response to Tracy:

Thank you for sharing more about yourself.

Interacting with people can be exhausting and often difficult.
Personally, I will take machines, technology or mother-nature over
people any day of the week.

I am impressed that you have chosen a profession that places you in
a situation that requires connecting with people.  This sounds like
an excellent practice arena that can help you learn more about your
self and others.  I intentionally spent many years working closely
with people so I could overcome some of my difficulties.  It was an
important piece to my growth.

The next time someone invades your space or does not take your hint,
be tactful like you tried to do, but I also suggest taking onus or
blame of the difficult moment (even though it is often not your
fault.) I do this so the other person does not take it personally,
which when they do can result in them having a "knee jerk
reaction" toward you. For example, I may say; "Hey Joe-please don't
take this personally, because this is my problem, not yours.  I am
having a tough time focusing right now and I feel terrible for
having to ask you this, but would you mind continuing the
conversation later---I am so sorry—"  This usually works for me in
numerous situations.

In regards to your comment about the other co-worker and how she
handled the mistake without compassion or tact.  I typically replay
or have a "de-briefing" session with myself after encounters like
this to see if I could have handled a situation better.
You "debriefed" via your letter to us which was great.  I am glad to
hear you are accessing difficult situations. When I do this, I often
find that many people respond poorly and rudely because there is
much more behind their fueled response than just me making an
innocent mistake or blunder.  Everyone has a story," stuff" or
baggage that they often carry around with them.  This baggage can
make some responses or actions unpredictable.  I must add however,
by replaying the situation I also find that I could have handled it
better.  I can't change others, but I can work to change my own
feelings and actions with mindfulness.

Through the years of examining my interactions, I have found that
empathy toward others is great medicine for all involved especially
when I get hurt by someone else's insensitivity or blatant
rudeness.  I rationally empathize the situation inside my head.  I
do this as a tool so I do not internalize their response.   For
example, if my coworker snapped at me about having made an error on
a schedule, I would tell myself that there must be more behind her
reaction.  She must be dealing with other "stuff" in her life that
is bringing her to a bad place- I just added to her load and she is
over-reacting.  I will try to be more conscientious and give her the
benefit of the doubt that in her midst of issues, she most likely
did not know she was hurting me with her response.

I recommend practicing to release the actions of others after reviewing the
encounter then empathizing-try not to let your own personal history or issues to
cause you to take responsibility or react to their poor responses.  Mindfully, I
use a "white-board" visual.  Put the incident up there for review, make a mental
note of what you can do better-insert empathy if needed, then wipe it off.  Be
done with it.

You have some great questions and situations that will help others.
I hope you keep sharing.  It is encouraging to see the work you are
doing for yourself on this difficult path of yours.

Pamela
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Pamela ©2007 This message is intended only for the named person or
entity to which it is addressed and contains valuable information
that is privileged, confidential and/or otherwise protected from
disclosure. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this message
the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient
is strictly prohibited unless you have obtained Pamela's written
permission.

Tracy asks if I know of anyone who sells weights to help her stop
rocking her head back and forth.  Her original message has been
posted at the end of my reply.

The actual process of stimming or using a rhythmic movement to help
reduce anxiety is scientifically proven to be beneficial.  It
chemically releases beta-endorphins and can helps us to regulate our
bodies. Wikipedia is a good resource to learn more technically about
it.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimming

With that said, stimming is an essential part of my life, but mine
has not been noticeable to most people.  For me, stimming has always
been in my head.  When I have anxiety, my favorite stim is to add
numbers.  2+2 = 4 then 4+4 = 8   then 8+8=16  I continue to add
until the rhythm is lost and then I start all over again.

Physically, it feels better to move a body part, so I often tap my
foot or a fingers to the rhythm, but I have tried to keep my body as
calm as possible when I stim.  It would be great if you can find an
alternative stim inside your head as I have.

Call me optimistic, but the good thing about your neck hurting when
you feel compelled to have rhythmic movement is that it is literally
forcing you into finding a different way to release your anxiety.
You mentioned that for most of your life it has hindered you.  Now you have pain
that may force you to find a more productive or less
apparent way to calm the stallions in your head.

I am sorry I do not have any guidance for you in regards to weights that may
assist you with your pain, but I hope you may find some relief with an
alternative stim.  I do not know for certain if it is possible to mindfully
change a stim, but I know there are many other things I have mindfully changed
about myself that would be considered difficult.

  I am glad you have joined this group.  Your initial request and the
messages I have gotten from you all indicate that you are a women
with courage and moxie. I am pleased you are on a mission of to
learn as much as you can about yourself.
Pamela Klluth ©2007

Tracy writes:
Since I have been little I have not been able to stop rhythmic
movement. I  was diagnosed with Aspergers a while ago. It was hard
enough not being able to make connections with people but I could not
really make myself unknown rocking my head back and forth all day
every day. It hurts when I don't move. I have to move some part of my
body. I have been made fun of all my life for this to a degree I cant
explain. Getting called crazy, stupid, and  retarded. No body knew
what was wrong with me. I was smart but I could not fallow along in
school I would try so hard but because I could not fallow along with
the reading I was kicked out of regular class. My best subject was
math until 5th grade for this reason. They would take me out of math
or out of regular schooling as often as possible. Miss holiday I hope
you read this because you are the worst teacher I have ever had. She
told my mother that she did not want to take the extra time to
explain what I could not understand by reading in math. She told my
mom I should be in "special classes". She said she did not become a
teacher to deal with kinds like me she just wanted to teach "normal"
kid's.  The worst part is after I left 5th grade I had students that
were in her class tell me the stories she would tell about me to her
new class. My mom was mentally ill and a alcoholic on top of it. My
dad left my mom for her problems along with me for that time. After I
hit about 14 my mom tried to kill her self again. She went nuts she
told my family I was beating her witch was not true. I lived on the
streets for about a year. When I came back I lived with my dad for
the first time. After 2 weeks he put me in a mental intuition with
drug attics, bipolar, people that would see things. They locked me in
a white room for 3 days once. After I got out I got my first brake I
lived with a Mexican family. Debbie was the mom she told me 1 to
drink lots of water. 2 to do my best with everything and last 3 work
hard focus on you self and remember I love you. She died when I was
18.  My dad and me don't talk he does not even invite me or let me
come over for Christmas. He is remarried and has "normal" step kids.
My mom is better now she is a lot better. Im  21 now my neck hurts a
lot I still can not stop moving it. I'm in pain It helps when I have
weight on my neck or on a belt for my legs. I'm sick of hurting no
one understanding me and most people jugging me for what they do not
know. That does not stop me though I have graduated cosmetology
school, phlebotomy school, I just got my CNA and im going to go to
college to be a nurse. Miss holiday half you normal kids did not even
get there GED and do drugs all day. You call me the stupid one ha.
Anyway I was wondering if you know of anyone that sells weights that
I could use to help before my neck falls off

SideNotes: Robin asked in reference to Tracy:
Is it possible to ask Tracy Anne if she is taking any meds?  Or ever has?
Wow.....she deserves the world.
I'd love to meet her.
I hope ou post more of her "stuff"......and keep us posted on how she does.
Robin

Tracy replied:
" take meds for anxiety and for posttraumatic stress syndrome"

I will be responding to TracyAnne's story and her question later this week. I
think most of you in this group will be able to
identify some of her gifts-
Pamela

From TracyAnne-I just need to tell somone:

Since I have been little I have not been able to stop rhythmic
movement. I  was diagnosed with Aspergers a while ago. It was hard
enough not being able to make connections with people but I could not
really make myself unknown rocking my head back and forth all day
every day. It hurts when I don't move. I have to move some part of my
body. I have been made fun of all my life for this to a degree I cant
explain. Getting called crazy, stupid, and  retarded. No body knew
what was wrong with me. I was smart but I could not fallow along in
school I would try so hard but because I could not fallow along with
the reading I was kicked out of regular class. My best subject was
math until 5th grade for this reason. They would take me out of math
or out of regular schooling as often as possible. Miss holiday I hope
you read this because you are the worst teacher I have ever had. She
told my mother that she did not want to take the extra time to
explain what I could not understand by reading in math. She told my
mom I should be in "special classes". She said she did not become a
teacher to deal with kinds like me she just wanted to teach "normal"
kid's.  The worst part is after I left 5th grade I had students that
were in her class tell me the stories she would tell about me to her
new class. My mom was mentally ill and a alcoholic on top of it. My
dad left my mom for her problems along with me for that time. After I
hit about 14 my mom tried to kill her self again. She went nuts she
told my family I was beating her witch was not true. I lived on the
streets for about a year. When I came back I lived with my dad for
the first time. After 2 weeks he put me in a mental intuition with
drug attics, bipolar, people that would see things. They locked me in
a white room for 3 days once. After I got out I got my first brake I
lived with a Mexican family. Debbie was the mom she told me 1 to
drink lots of water. 2 to do my best with everything and last 3 work
hard focus on you self and remember I love you. She died when I was
18.  My dad and me don't talk he does not even invite me or let me
come over for Christmas. He is remarried and has "normal" step kids.
My mom is better now she is a lot better. Im  21 now my neck hurts a
lot I still can not stop moving it. I'm in pain It helps when I have
weight on my neck or on a belt for my legs. I'm sick of hurting no
one understanding me and most people jugging me for what they do not
know. That does not stop me though I have graduated cosmetology
school, phlebotomy school, I just got my CNA and im going to go to
college to be a nurse. Miss holiday half you normal kids did not even
get there GED and do drugs all day. You call me the stupid one ha.
Anyway I was wondering if you know of anyone that sells weights that
I could use to help before my neck falls off.

As a child, my autistic wiring brought me incapacities to function
in ways that come naturally to most others.  As an adult, it brings
me high functioning abilities in areas that do not come easily to
most others.

When I meet other AS children, I feel a familiar resonance.
Many of them feel like an un-tapped power house maintained by a
keeper that knows little of the controls and functionality of its
facility.   To exasperate this perplexity, those we learn and mirror
ourselves with typically know little about our facility because they
are not wired in the same manner as us.  Herein lays the biggest
disadvantage to our differences.

To master the controls of my facility and put to use my capacity
required several key elements;

1) A safe place to conduct observation of the world and those in it.

2) Alone time to download and channel information.

3) My natural ability to analytically process combined with a "tool"
that helped me cope and make sense of worldly information.

4) An understanding of my strengths, weaknesses and gifts.

I was like many autistic kids are today; highly sensitive to sounds,
smells, touch and tastes; I had great difficulties regulating myself
in chaotic or a stressful environment, so my way of coping was to
primarily disassociate myself from everyone and everything.  As
incapacitating these sensitivities can be, the Grace I see in many
of us is in the abilities and gifts that often co-exist along side
these weaknesses.

I was a scientist in the rough; wired to solve problems; intense
focus abilities with certain subjects; attention to details and
memorization skills.   Combine all this with a preference for
routine and order in a chaotic world and I was pre-wired to make
this world and my ability to function within it one big scientific
experiment.   Do I sound like a child you know?

My point is; I see in many Autistics the ability to ease the areas
of our discomforts.  If caregivers assist by providing a favorable
environment with tools that work with our strengths, we can work
toward functioning at our highest capacity and make use of our gifts
or strengths that are often not present in people classified as
neurotypical.

For me, if I had not found a level of comfort with the world, my
gifted ability to memorize complicated technical data and
systematically run math calculations in my head, would never had
bore fruit as it did for my successful career in engineering.   Had
I not observed, systematically classified and labeled the vast
amount of emotions that drive people's actions, I would not be able
to intuitively "read" people with the accuracy I demonstrate today.

Solving the problem of my discomfort with the world required an
environment that was advantageous to putting my strengths to work
combined with a method to organize the enormous amount of
information the world expresses.  I will talk about the method that
worked for me in a future article, but I believe the first step for
any autistic is to know specifically what comes easy and naturally
to them.   In doing so, when tools are suggested you will know if
that solution resonates correctly for the difficulties you are
working to overcome.

Kim wonders if she is Autistic:

As I read Kim's description, I must say that what she describes is
mostly applicable to me…and then some.  She mentions that there are
more details about her that meets the criteria, but what I find most
impressive was how well she described herself.  I have found that
many people do not do well describing themselves.   This became very evident to
me after conducting countless job interviews where the candidate can't describe
their own strengths and are at a loss to identify their difficulties.

I believe that if a child or adult can list and identify their
strengths and weaknesses, then they have learned one of the best
tools for success.   "Witnessing thyself" provides a great
foundation for working and improving self with intention and
mindfulness.    I believe this is especially applicable and
important to help autistics make sense of themselves and coping in
the world around them.

Like Kim, in my quest to figure how out whom I am, I often asked the
question about whether or not I was autistic.   Exploring this
descriptive helped me to bring substance to the differences that I
was working through, but I never pursued an official diagnosis until
recently.

As to your question Kim; I recommend reading an upcoming article
that will be posted soon where I talk about my abilities and
struggles.  There will be much that you will be able to relate to.

If you decide to seek out an official diagnose as I did, then the
questions prompted in the process will certainly assist you for
further recall of the many facets of your  make up.

Another source that may interest you is a web site which has an on-
line test.
http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

  If you complete this, it helps to identify the probabilities of you
being on the spectrum or as typical.  Both the web test and a
professional can help you to continue your quest for a greater
understanding of self whether you ever get officially diagnosed or
not.

Good luck on your journey!

Pamela ©2007

This message is intended only for the named person or entity to
which it is addressed and contains valuable information that is
privileged, confidential and/or otherwise protected from
disclosure. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this message
the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient
is strictly prohibited unless you have obtained Pamela's written
permission

I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I've always thought there
was something wrong with me.  My family insists that I hardly ever
cried when I was a child (I am the oldest child--and therefore I was
the only child for a while--so my parents may or may not have been
aware of what was "normal" for a kid).  I never played with toys or
used my imagination, not even as I got older.  However, I had no
problem learning to speak and I was reading by age 3.

As I got older, however, other things emerged. I was a sterling
student, getting straight A's without effort.  However, I could never
follow what was going on in class (I had, and still have, a hard time
following people when they're speaking to me).  But it didn't seem to
matter. I could always do the work perfectly, as if I were born
understanding it; I never had to "learn" anything (this was true all
the way through college).

However, I wouldn't speak at all at school.  It wasn't until several
years later that I ever made a friend at, or outside, school (of
course, it didn't help that I didn't "play" at recess).  I've never
been social, but I'm definitely not "phobic."  I've known a couple
people who have phobias about being around lots of people.  I'm
clearly not phobic, as I have no fear or anxiety about being around
other people.  However, I do have trouble engaging with people--having
a conversation with them, making eye contact, etc.

I've always been very, very literal-minded, to the point that it took
me three years to learn to drive because I couldn't understand that,
to turn the car 90 degrees, you had to turn the steering wheel MORE
than 90 degrees (why couldn't be exactly 90 degrees?).   I could never
"get into" science fiction, cartoons, or anything that wasn't "real"
or couldn't possibly be "real."  To this day, I still have to ask for
clarification when someone uses a colloquialism, though I'm a native
English speaker.  I always had an issue with idioms in English, though
my vocabulary was always quite strong.  I've gotten better with time,
but I still have difficulties with idiomatic English.

Additionally, I CANNOT STAND NOISE!  At all.  I carry earplugs around
with me in my purse.  Nothing reduces me to tears faster than to have
to hear something for a prolonged amount of time.  Noise is very
painful for me.  The noise at the grocery store or mall (or any public
place for that matter) disorients me and I end up feeling like I'm
going to have a nervous breakdown or pass out.  My husband--wonderful
man that he is--has caught on to my noise sensitivity (though I often
have to ask him to lower his voice when he speaks to me, even though
he's never yelling...but it's always too loud for me) and knows when I
need to move to a less stimulating environment.

There are more "symptoms" but I'll stop here.  What do you think?
Could I be autistic?

Lauren-Thank you for asking; At what age do you think it is
acceptable to tell children that they have Aspergers?

It is my opinion that at almost any age a child can be told that
there is a name or label that explains their difficulties- IF it is
delivered correctly for the child's intellect.   More importantly
than age appropriateness, is HOW it is told.  This is the point I
wish all caregivers could understand.

If a child believes that Autism means there is something hard-wired
wrong with them, they may spend a life time viewing it as an
insurmountable struggle.

If a child believes that there is a name that describes the
difficulties, but also delivers other amazing capacities-this sets
an entirely different platform for working through the struggles.
It is not scary for most children to play games that battle them
through frightening places if they know there is a treasure at the
end of the fight.

It seems that most parents of Autistic children that I have
personally met have a huge cloud of sorrow that resonates straight
from their heart when they talk about their child.   The pain of
this subject most certainly holds some justification, but must
absolutely be cleared from their hearts and heads before any child
is given a name or label that typically signifies a disability.

Like a dog that senses fear in people, many of us sense the sorrow,
the fear, the pain.   Most children do not have the tools to
identify what feels wrong with Mom or Dad with reference to this
label, but they can sense that they do not like it.  They may even
be able to extract that something is wrong, it is bad, it is
scary.

There are enough people in the outside world that are uncomfortable
around us and react to our differences in a manner that shakes our
confidence.   Inside we know we are different- I would not want to
feel that my parents view me as damaged goods as well.

I do not believe that painting a smile on your face and just talking
about the positives of Autism is enough.  A parent must 100%,
unconditionally believe that their child is perfect and capable
just the way they are and believe that they can help deliver the
tools for their child to help them battle their way through the hard
parts of the journey.

If a parent's belief is not true, then the corner of your self that
holds the fear is still present in the delivery and puts a layer of
confusion on the message.  (Do you ever find that some clowns are
scary?  They paint a smile and act silly, but when they have hidden
personal stuff on the inside-it feels wrong- That's what I am trying
to validate. )

Good timing, and delivery applies to how your child discovers that
their brain is wired differently than many others which explains why
some things are harder for them than other kids their age.

I will work on a list of how I view Autism/Aspergers as a gift,
rather than a burden and will post this in the near future.  I hope
it will help people see that there are great things about how my
different brain works and I would not trade it for anything.

Pamela ©2007


This message is intended only for the named person or entity to
which it is addressed and contains valuable information that is
privileged, confidential and/or otherwise protected from
disclosure. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this message
the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient
is strictly prohibited unless you have obtained Pamela's written
permission

I recently responded to a parent whose daughter tended to have
violent outbursts.  There were several reasons, but it is important
to note that the home life was in high stress mode.  The Dad worked
on a ship, so most of the time Mom was a single parent with very
little outside support.  Combine financial issues and several
demanding children and you can imagine her struggles.  Here was my
reply.

Dear Jen;

You can tell I agree with the support and advice Nancy has given
you.  In all your writings I feel sad with all that you have to
struggle with and know that if I was your daughter, I would be
acting out at home as she is-only making your burden heavier.
Why???  Some of the biggest causes of my "Acting out" were mentioned
before; the struggle with emotions; confusion; unpredictability; too
much stimulation, but the need for order, consistency,
predictability and most important harmony is essential to my ability
to regulate emotions.  When my atmosphere at home entered a time of
high stress and disharmony, I was like fuel to a fire.  I understand
that stress and disharmony affects everyone, but for an autistic,
remember that all sensory surrounds are amplified.

You may not have control over your environment right now, but it
sounds like you are doing your best under the circumstances to make
changes.  I venture to say that your sensitive daughter is as well.
She is trying at school- where they try to be consistent and
structured to help kids learn.  I am not saying school was easy,
because there are problems there too, but for the most part, school
is where I worked on self-regulating and learned from others how
to "act normal".  At home, I felt like my world and my emotions were
in a million pieces.

There was a stressful time in my childhood that is ingrained in my
brain that sounds similar to your household at this time.  When I
came home from school, I was exhausted from working on self and I
had no energy left to regulate at home.  I either disassociated with
those around me or I melted down.   I too lashed out as your
daughter did.  I wished my mom could change our home and I was so
angry at her for not doing something about it.  (Looking back, I see
her doing as much as she could do under the circumstances.)  You may
call that willful bad behavior and acting out.   I call
it "reacting" to what I felt all around me.  In a state of
constant "at edginess'", it would not take much for me to lash out
and want to either hurt those around me or my self.  I did not like
to do this, but letting the pressure off the steaming pot in a civil
manner required more resources than I had at that time.

My mom and dad tried their best, but life was stressful and busy.
Looking back, I was the meter to gauge how healthy the household
was.  I know as an adult that we can only work with what we have and
it sounds like you try very hard with very little support.  I hope
the phrase "this too shall pass" will apply until you can settle
into a different place and find a stable ground and support in your
household.  I would bet a dozen donuts that your daughter will
reflect how well the changes suit her.

One last note that I emphasize when I talk with all parents on this
subject of environments.  Most everyone can relate to how
atmosphere/environment affects you.  You know how good you feel when
you walk into a meditation garden or into a peaceful place.  It
can't help but move most people in a positive way.  On the contrast,
when you walk into an environment that is busy, chaotic, smells bad
or looks bad, it feels bad.  There is no denying that environment
affects most everyone.  Now amplify it and remove some natural tools
and ability to understand the world.   This is how much more of an
impact the environment can affect your autistic child.   Anything
you can do at home to create environment that is in harmony will
make it much easier for your autistic child to function better.
Colors, sounds, clutter, lines, smells, textures all have an affect
on one layer.    Another layer is the predictability of the world
with rules and structure.  Another layer is transitioning.   Another
layer is the stability, consistency and predictability of the
emotions and actions of the people around you.   The more you have
of this, the more I feel comfortable learning with and from you.
The more I have of this means the less I have to work on filtering
out the noise and stress, it means less I have to tune out and the
easier it is to pay attention to what you are trying to teach me.

An environment that is in disharmony means the more I act out or
turn inward, filtering out the world to cope.

Pamela ©2007


This message is intended only for the named person or entity to
which it is addressed and contains valuable information that is
privileged, confidential and/or otherwise protected from
disclosure. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this message
the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient
is strictly prohibited unless you have obtained Pamela's written
permission

Some insight into manipulating & difficulty with rules as a child
gets older:

Sometimes we intentionally manipulate, sometimes accidentally- I
will try to give an understanding to how our thought process can
work with rules.

Many of "US" have high analytical and math skills.  Very black and
white.  I tend to take things literally.  Typically, you can not
assume we "should have known better, or know what was intended".
Additionally, the English language can be confusing at times.  So,
sometimes breaking or bending a rule may be ignorance, other times
it is select interpretation to get what you want,  Most of the times
as a teen, I just plain out did not like rules because:

A) Most people who deliver the rules (parents and teachers) are
just too confusing (because they change, are perspective based, have
too many variables, or are not followed through)

B) They aren't really rules after-all.   (because they change,
are perspective based, have too many variables, or are not followed
through)


Let me give you some examples of difficulties as a pre-teen and
older;

  I had the pleasure to communicate with a young autistic teen to see
if I could answer some questions that he could not articulate to his
parents or to therapists.  His parents wanted to know:  why did he
have such an explosive temper? Why he did not want to go to school?
Why did he want to live and breathe video games?  The answers all
pretty much boiled down to rules and chaos both at home and
school.   (With some minor exceptions)

After talking with him, he gave me examples how; " life is so unfair
and no one gets it"   here are 2 examples that were a constant theme
in his world;

1) Dad said; "When you are done with your homework and you have
unloaded the dishwasher, you can play video games for 1 hour.

He did EXACTLY as Dad directed, but when he went to his dad to get
the power cord so that he could plug in his computer, (They hide it
from him) his dad was asleep.  The boy wakes Dad.  Dad gets angry
for getting woken.  Dad says he was being inconsiderate and now he
can not play video games tonight.  Boy has melt explosion-he tells
me   "Adults don't play by the rules".  I agree most of the times
they do not.

2) Teacher says;  A book report is due on Friday.  Boy does book
report and brings it in on Friday.  Teacher decides not to collect
on Friday.   He fails the book report because the teacher did not
collect it on Friday, she decided to have kids turn it in on Monday
instead without warning.  He does not have it with him.  He did not
think to talk to her or his mom about it.  (remember many of us do
not like to communicate anyway or can't) Why can't teachers just do
what they say they say they will do?

From my autistic perspective, I can totally relate.  Parents and
teachers are busy and do change the rules.  For most people it is
not a big deal.  For an autistic, life is filled with noise, chaos,
it is difficult to focus on ever changing variables everywhere.
Getting lost into one thing, like video games with fixed rules is
predictable and constant.  Ahhhh, just thinking about no noise and
constant variables makes me feel good.   Okay, back to the busy
world---I know people change rules, they change minds, they do not
remember what they said, they do not follow rules.  It is hard
enough to follow rules, especially when people keep changing the
game.

An example of how taking things literally can be manipulated both
intentionally and unintentionally;

1) My parents made a rule you come home when it gets dark.  I
got punished for not returning home on time with the rest of my
siblings.  From my perspective, it was not dark, plus I wasn;t done
playing yet.     Even though my siblings tried to encourage me to
come home and warned me that I would get in trouble, in my head, I
could justify that it was not really dark out.

When I came home later, I had the wrath of dad to face.  My excuse
was the same; I did not think it was dark yet".  Dad said, "Well the
rest of your siblings thought so and they all came home".  I said
nothing.  I got punished. I thought life is not fair.  After staying
late and missing his "vague curfew rule" a second time he finally
asked me; " when did I think it would be dark?"  I said; "Never in
our neighborhood, as long as the street lights are working".

My Dad's rule changed to:  "When the streetlights come on, everyone
comes home.  No manipulation room there.

Hope the examples helped shed some more light on the subject.

Pamela ©2007


This message is intended only for the named person or entity to
which it is addressed and contains valuable information that is
privileged, confidential and/or otherwise protected from
disclosure. Dissemination, distribution or copying of this message
the information herein by anyone other than the intended recipient
is strictly prohibited unless you have obtained Pamela's written
permission

I have been asked for suggestions for "how do you teach anger/self
control"?  I will give it my best shot to provide some insight and
suggestions.

Insight first; for me as a child, teen and adult; anger was/is both
pleasant and unpleasant.  I like how anger exploding makes me feel
afterwards, it relieves frustrations.  On the other hand, I dislike
myself for "being out of control" and acting differently than
others.

On one hand being Autistic means I naturally lack some capacities
that comes easier to others-but on the other hand, there is a hard-
wired driving factor built in to make me want to change.  Perhaps
that is the part that makes me feel that there is a Divine plan to
how my brain was created.  Examples for the drive to correct my
weaknesses;

When I explode it means I lost control.  I am hard wired to like
control, so I work harder to gain control over my explosions.  Most
likely, your son is also wired to want more control of himself and
the world too.

On one hand I do not naturally feel warm and fuzzy about and around
people.  There is not consistency with people and too many variables
that are unpredictable.  On the other hand I like to "figure things
out", find patterns, consistencies, so I need to be around people to
figure people out.  If I did not have this drive, I believe I would
be a hermit.

On one hand I dislike noises, distractions and things that make me
uncomfortable, but I will intentionally expose myself to those
elements so that I can feel safer and function better.  This will
help me to have more control over my discomforts.

I could go on, but my point is; thank goodness I see hard-wired
driving factors to help correct our weaknesses.  I believe that is
why some of us can be "high functioning."

The description from parents for their child as "legit/legaleeze"
describes me to a "T".  That is part of the manipulating I have
mentioned before.  I think many of us are that way, because we are
naturally wired to seek out the gray areas.  (Needing to understand
the world.)  Our high sensitivity to ALL areas of the senses makes
us try to identify what exists on all layers.  I believe the gift to
see the loopholes, the gray areas, are a way that naturally exists.
I am drawn to want to see, feel and make sense of a huge spectrum of
what goes on, rather than filter it out or shut down.

Back to your question- Suggestions for "how do you teach anger/self
control"?

A lot depends on the age and the environment, but many of the ways
you would handle any child with anger still applies, combined with
considerations for how our brain functions best.  The examples I
gave you above should provide some reminders, but here are some
suggestions for things that have worked for me;

 Be consistent will your reaction.  "That is not acceptable
behavior".  Is a great phrase.  Remember that amidst of our
meltdowns we may not always hear you, but if it is always said, we
will remember it.  We do not want to be unacceptable.  This is an
important reminder and teaching phrase.

 If possible during a meltdown to provide isolation, then do
so.  Can you remove them to a safe spot?  Call it a time out if you
want- If you can not move them, then remove yourself and others.  My
interpretation of timeout is not a punishment.  It is a place to get
back to normal-low stimulation, a place to re-ground, to think.  It
is not punishment-  I like timeouts.

 Remember your child's "triggers":  Just like self reflection
is important for us to learn about self, replay the scene prior to
the meltdown and take a mental note to yourself for a much later
discussion with your child.  Find the patterns in your child.  What
proceeded the anger? How could they have prevented it?  How could
you have helped?  How could they have helped themselves?

 Use connecting for teaching-timing is essential: When your
child is in a good, happy place and you are having a connecting
moment, then bring up insight where they are receptive to what you
are noticing in them.  (As mentioned in the tip above)  For
example, "Hey Brian, did you ever notice that when you come home
from school it is hard to do your chores or talk to me?  Now relate
to him, provide a visual and try your best not to make him feel
inadequate.  Like;   I find it hard to do that too when I come home
from work.  I call it "shifting gears"…… fortunately when I leave
work, I can be alone in the car, listen to some music and make the
shift easier to home, but when I can't do that, I am pretty
irritable when I get home.  Do you know what I mean about how hard
it is to shift gears sometime?  I wonder if it would be easier for
you to take some time to yourself before you come out to see us.
Ask him if he knows of ways that would make it easier.  Anyway, you
get the idea………..your goal is to give him tools.  The teaching tool
in this example is giving him a way to handle transitioning if the
timing and situations seemed to point at transitioning
difficulties.

 Provide a place for introspection: I learned the most about
handling my anger by having a safe place or "cave" to retract to
afterwards.  I needed to replay what happened in my head.   It has
taken me a lot of introspection time to learn about myself.

 Suitable punishment: Again, time outs were not a punishment;
it was a place to bring the meltdown to an end.  The time out at the
time of melt-down was essential.  A punishment would be; "That was
not acceptable behavior."  You just lost your right to watch TV (or
play music, or do video games) for the rest of the day.


 Social stories:  -yup---stories + good, happy place timing
is a great way to provide tools.  Everyone has a "window", a way to
enter and connect.  Be ready to use the window to help your child to
learn about themselves-the more we learn about ourselves, then the
easier it is for us to avoid the things that get us angry or we
learn about how to avoid the things that make us angry.


Hope that helps-
Pamela ©2006


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For any child, being pulled out of a place when absorbed into that
place is mentally and emotionally difficult------for an autistic,
much, much harder.  Not an excuse-it just requires much harder work
to not have a reaction based on the triggers I mentioned in earlier
messages.  It takes a great deal of work to get emotions under
control.  Emotions and people would be easier to understand if they
did not have so many unpredictable variables.

The ability to ask for help rather than vent frustration is a hard
one.  I still have not learned that.  I just make sure that other
people do not hear me growl or scream when I vent.  :)  It is good
to hear from parents that are patiently working on helping their
child on this one.  It can't be easy.

I agree that all people are more capable of working on self to learn
these skills.  I personally have spent a lifetime of trying to talk,
sleep, and react to life "normally". Despite those continued
efforts, responding in ways against my nature does not come easy.
I think it is harder to change than some people/parents can
imagine.  As a child and adult, I have always loved to be "alone
with the alone" where I do not have to "work" on making others
feeling comfortable.

I write this to remind all parents that sometimes it can be hard to
believe or accept why someone can't act or do something because that
something comes naturally or easier to so many other people.
Especially if there is no blatant physical reminder of a weakness-it
is easy to forget that there are many things that we view and handle
differently.

On the flip autistic side, there was and still is much I do not
understand about most people and why they can not do the things that
I can do- An example; It took me a long time to accept that my
fellow engineers could not memorize technical specifications and run
mathematical calculations in their head.  I thought they were just
being lazy; using programs and calculators rather than just making
an effort to sit down and read/memorize the lengthy documentation-
after all can't everybody solve problems faster than calculator and
solve math problems in their dreams?  For many years I just thought
those engineers were just not trying hard enough.

In response to some of the messages from parents who feel their
children do use tantrums and emotionally act in manner to "get their
way".   I am not saying that it is not possible that their children
do not "use" their anger to manipulate-everyone is wired differently
and has different capacities.  From what I understand, manipulating
with emotions is not typically an ability that many autistic
children have.  My anger and meltdown were frequent as a child but
always related to the inability to cope, understand the world or to
find words that matched an emotion.

As I got into my pre-teens, I was able to manipulate the rules or
play some mind games, but even at that age, there was still no way I
was able to act or use my emotions.

As always, I hope my comments help provide a glimpse into the flip
side of the world's perception of "normal".

Pamela ©2006


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I will try to explain why meltdowns can happen after a "NO" is
spoken in response to a broken rule.

For many of us autistics-- looking at or tracing a simple geometric
pattern can be relaxing-  Some may even call this "Stimming".  I
could do this for hours.  This is because the shape is predictable.
Solid rules.  No changes.  If rules could be that way, I would have
had no problem following them as a child.

Rules spoken by caretakers are often voiced and not visually seen;
they are rarely delivered or spoken in the same by all in the house;
rules are often not consistently enforced.

Some parents may think a boundary or a "no" has been clearly and
consistently defined and enforced.  They may even think that what
they have spoken should be simple to understand, but depending on
the child and level of ability to see a rule as consistent and
something solid or tangible, it will cause confusion and extreme
stress.

---imagine if you heard the same song over and over again-- sung in
another language that you could not understand---I bet even some
Nuero-typicals would lash out in anger or frustration if they heard
it played again.  That is one example of how it can feel to not
understand spoken words.

With a child not able to "get the rule", it is as frustrating.  S/he
has heard it over and over again, gets yelled at, but s/he can not
comprehend.  The word NO is also expressed with loudness and
frustration/anger by a caretaker.  It becomes nothing but a reminder
that life and words are difficult to understand.

A child that is hitting, banging their head, or yelling is no
different than you trying to drown out that same frustrating song
that you can not comprehend.

So--what can a parent do?  :

* A rule would need to be very simplistic, clear and consistent.
Try to always say the same thing

*  We are often visual, not audio.  Try to figure out how you can
visually show the correction.  For example--- If you see that your
child reaches for a hammer, you may say; "That is not a toy".  Good
and simple....Better is: "That is not a toy, this is a toy".  Put a
toy in their hand, take away the hammer.  A matter of fact voice is
good.  Visually showing the corrected way to act is good.  Just
saying "NO!" does not show them the alternative.  Do this EVERY
time.  Keep toys in your pocket if you have to have one immediately
on hand.

At any age, having the rules visually written on a board is
helpful.  If simple words are written on a board, they have a
pattern and do not change in structure.  They even look the same.
They are tangible and visually exist.  By writing them on a board,
you can also see if you have too many rules.  It will also keep
everyone using the same words and enforcing the same thing--

* The fewer the rules the better---safety rules are of course the
number one focus.  You may have to let other things slide.  Once
they are getting some rules, then add more rules, but do this
SLOWLY.  When you pick a few rules, sanity check and make sure it is
simple---make sure you have a consistent way to show them the right
way.

*  Make sure everyone in the house has the same rules and replies
with the correction to breaking a rule in the SAME way, EVERY
time.

* The "typical age" of understanding boundaries and rules can be
huge between children that our Nuero-typical (NT) and autistics.  Do
not compare Autistics to other NT children for what rules they
should be able to understand.

*  Similar to baby-proofing a house or area for a baby, do the same
for a toddler or any age child.  Do not set them up for having to
understand a lot of rules in your household.

Pamela ©2006


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Some people view meltdowns as being manipulative or that their child
is using meltdowns "to get our way".

Most of us autistics like rules and for many of us, when we want to
have "our way", it is strategically finding loopholes.
(Legalezzing)  I remember that even as a 2 or 3 year old I looked
for loop-holes.I did not use a meltdown or tantrum.  It is/was
against my nature to manipulate with emotions when I had so little
control of them anyway.  My mom however, insisted I was
intentionally being sassy or naughty.  Her accusing me of this would
upset me even more.   I never intentionally wanted to be naughty.  I
just saw things differently then she did or I manipulated areas that
I thought would still warrant my behavior for being "within the
defined rules".

Melt downs or tantrums as a child and now are strictly when I am
sensory overload or high frustration of my inability to articulate
or explain why I felt I was not "being naughty".

When I have actions that I believe are "Within the rules" and others
do not think I have followed the rules, it causes confusion and a
range of emotions that are difficult to control.

The melt-down of the later mentioned could be viewed by others in
trying to get my way, but really it is the only way as a child I
could articulate the frustration and vent the emotions.

For those trying to understand meltdowns, please remember that many
of us have an inability to communicate the justification for the
behavior or feeling behind our actions that we felt was within the
rules.  Communicating is difficult in many instances and when you
add the confusion of someone saying we are wrong or broke a rule
when in our head we feel we are in the right, this creates fire.
Breaking rules or getting our way is not intended, but our
perspective sometimes can not see all the parameters in the same
manner as others.

Pamela ©2006


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Transitions can also be a major source of meltdowns.  Parents often
respond to a child's transitioning meltdown with the word "NO",
which in itself  has much confusion connected with it.

Even as an adult, I have to have warning of an upcoming change or be
in control of my own schedule.  I need time mentally to prepare for
change and regulate my thoughts, body and feelings.  Why?

When you change activities or locations you start from "ground zero"
in new smells, noises, people and the energy of others and
surrounding.  As a child, this feels like jumping into the deep end
each time when you are still trying to determine you can swim or
will be safely held/caught by someone down below.

Additionally, I tend to get lost in my world when doing a particular
activity.  Mentally, physically the whole world can disappear.  So
when someone grabs me out of it and says we are switching gears and
doing something else it is like having someone jerk you awake in the
middle of a dream or sleep.  It would be disturbing and very hard
for anyone to transition in this state.

Make note that for many of us Autistics, reaching this state of
absorption into an activity can be immediate.  We are pulled
to "figure things out".  We want to do this with objects or certain
activities that do not involve other people.  People are confusing.
So--when you say NO after catching me playing or doing something
that I should not, or stop me immediately because you have a time
schedule that requires a fast exit, we make have what appears to be
a tantrum or meltdown to release the frustration of not yet mentally
finishing a thought process within or head OR for sheer terror of
not knowing what will be coming next.

By providing a warning that you have 5 more minutes and then we need
to go to ____, this is many cases will allow a child or adult the
time to mentally pull out of the place their head is at and I can
try to start self regulating for the change.

This may not always help if your child has many changes and
transitions in their life-if you are always on the go, then a NO or
any warning is then scary in itself because it happens frequently.
If they have not learned tools to mentally make frequent changes,
then a busy schedule means an emotionally difficult and scary day
for that child.

If the above applies to your child, my only suggestion would be to
have immediately on hand a transition item that soothes or distracts
them until they can adjust to the change.  Most of us have
particular things that we could work for hours and never get bored
with.  Or maybe it is a snuggle baby/blanket that smells a certain
way

My mom taught me how to braid at a certain age that when I was to
leave my safe cave or place, she warned me first, then came back and
immediately handed me my "braid strings".  Just holding them brought
comfort.  I knew that no matter where went, I would be able to find
a corner and absorb into the strings and make those patterns with
the strings.

A heart-felt thanks to the many parents willing to take the time to
read this and to patiently work with their child and the things we
struggle with.

Pamela ©2006


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People often want to know why making eye contact is so difficult for
some of us.  Here is an explanation as to why I struggle with it;

Every person has unique energy they give off.  I think most people
are aware of this...for example; if you get a bad feeling about
someone or something; they call it intuition.  Whether good or bad,
this energy is out there and many of us autistics feel this on an
amplified level.

As a child, when I looked into the eyes, it was like someone had
turned up a loud sound to the point of distortion and it was very
disturbing.  When we are children, people tell us it is important to
look at eyes, but it is not that we forget to do this…..it is being
able to cope with the amplified range of emotions that happens when
you look into the window of the soul.

I remember that when I first came into contact with someone and
failed to meet  eye contact, that I could feel that person get
uncomfortable or I sensed fear from them.

My parents made no effort to train me to make eye contact.  They
were conscientious to avoid bringing me face to face with people,
especially with adults. It was adults that seemed to be bothered
most by lack of eye contact.  Most other kids were not.  When I did
not make eye contact with an adult, I could sense immediately that
it made them afraid of me.  I also found it interesting how this
person's energy would change and not be so tense or afraid once my
mom or dad would say…"Don't take it personally, she is just very
shy".

I would get frequent reminders from teachers and others, which was
insulting to my intelligence.  It was not that I forgot to look in
their eyes, it was just too painful.   When I tried, I could hardly
focus on what they were saying because of all that I was feeling.

As I got older and was able to start discerning the huge range of
energies and emotions that people express, eye contact was a little
easier to do.  To begin managing what I felt coming from others
required years of distant watching of people and coming into range
of them in a safe environment.   Most people thought I was alone in
my own world doing nothing, but I was very busy learning about
coping in this highly stimulating world!

To this day, as a business professional, I must diligently focus on
keeping eye contact without loosing train of thought and to filter
out what I am feeling peripherally.   I quickly am aware of loosing
eye contact when it happens, because I can immediately recognize the
shift in energy in the person I am talking with. I then get back on
track with eye contact so that they are comfortable once again with
our conversation.

I hope with time, your child will grow into communicating
comfortably on this level.  More importantly, I hope as a parent
that you are mindful of your reaction to them….your discomfort level
and disappointment in your child's failure to make eye contact is
easily picked up by your child.

Pamela ©2006


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