I recently responded to a parent whose daughter tended to have
violent outbursts. There were several reasons, but it is important
to note that the home life was in high stress mode. The Dad worked
on a ship, so most of the time Mom was a single parent with very
little outside support. Combine financial issues and several
demanding children and you can imagine her struggles. Here was my
reply.

Dear Jen;

You can tell I agree with the support and advice Nancy has given
you. In all your writings I feel sad with all that you have to
struggle with and know that if I was your daughter, I would be
acting out at home as she is-only making your burden heavier.
Why??? Some of the biggest causes of my "Acting out" were mentioned
before; the struggle with emotions; confusion; unpredictability; too
much stimulation, but the need for order, consistency,
predictability and most important harmony is essential to my ability
to regulate emotions. When my atmosphere at home entered a time of
high stress and disharmony, I was like fuel to a fire. I understand
that stress and disharmony affects everyone, but for an autistic,
remember that all sensory surrounds are amplified.

You may not have control over your environment right now, but it
sounds like you are doing your best under the circumstances to make
changes. I venture to say that your sensitive daughter is as well.
She is trying at school- where they try to be consistent and
structured to help kids learn. I am not saying school was easy,
because there are problems there too, but for the most part, school
is where I worked on self-regulating and learned from others how
to "act normal". At home, I felt like my world and my emotions were
in a million pieces.

There was a stressful time in my childhood that is ingrained in my
brain that sounds similar to your household at this time. When I
came home from school, I was exhausted from working on self and I
had no energy left to regulate at home. I either disassociated with
those around me or I melted down. I too lashed out as your
daughter did. I wished my mom could change our home and I was so
angry at her for not doing something about it. (Looking back, I see
her doing as much as she could do under the circumstances.) You may
call that willful bad behavior and acting out. I call
it "reacting" to what I felt all around me. In a state of
constant "at edginess'", it would not take much for me to lash out
and want to either hurt those around me or my self. I did not like
to do this, but letting the pressure off the steaming pot in a civil
manner required more resources than I had at that time.

My mom and dad tried their best, but life was stressful and busy.
Looking back, I was the meter to gauge how healthy the household
was. I know as an adult that we can only work with what we have and
it sounds like you try very hard with very little support. I hope
the phrase "this too shall pass" will apply until you can settle
into a different place and find a stable ground and support in your
household. I would bet a dozen donuts that your daughter will
reflect how well the changes suit her.

One last note that I emphasize when I talk with all parents on this
subject of environments. Most everyone can relate to how
atmosphere/environment affects you. You know how good you feel when
you walk into a meditation garden or into a peaceful place. It
can't help but move most people in a positive way. On the contrast,
when you walk into an environment that is busy, chaotic, smells bad
or looks bad, it feels bad. There is no denying that environment
affects most everyone. Now amplify it and remove some natural tools
and ability to understand the world. This is how much more of an
impact the environment can affect your autistic child. Anything
you can do at home to create environment that is in harmony will
make it much easier for your autistic child to function better.
Colors, sounds, clutter, lines, smells, textures all have an affect
on one layer. Another layer is the predictability of the world
with rules and structure. Another layer is transitioning. Another
layer is the stability, consistency and predictability of the
emotions and actions of the people around you. The more you have
of this, the more I feel comfortable learning with and from you.
The more I have of this means the less I have to work on filtering
out the noise and stress, it means less I have to tune out and the
easier it is to pay attention to what you are trying to teach me.

An environment that is in disharmony means the more I act out or
turn inward, filtering out the world to cope.

Pamela ©2007


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