I have been asked for suggestions for "how do you teach anger/self
control"? I will give it my best shot to provide some insight and
suggestions.

Insight first; for me as a child, teen and adult; anger was/is both
pleasant and unpleasant. I like how anger exploding makes me feel
afterwards, it relieves frustrations. On the other hand, I dislike
myself for "being out of control" and acting differently than
others.

On one hand being Autistic means I naturally lack some capacities
that comes easier to others-but on the other hand, there is a hard-
wired driving factor built in to make me want to change. Perhaps
that is the part that makes me feel that there is a Divine plan to
how my brain was created. Examples for the drive to correct my
weaknesses;

When I explode it means I lost control. I am hard wired to like
control, so I work harder to gain control over my explosions. Most
likely, your son is also wired to want more control of himself and
the world too.

On one hand I do not naturally feel warm and fuzzy about and around
people. There is not consistency with people and too many variables
that are unpredictable. On the other hand I like to "figure things
out", find patterns, consistencies, so I need to be around people to
figure people out. If I did not have this drive, I believe I would
be a hermit.

On one hand I dislike noises, distractions and things that make me
uncomfortable, but I will intentionally expose myself to those
elements so that I can feel safer and function better. This will
help me to have more control over my discomforts.

I could go on, but my point is; thank goodness I see hard-wired
driving factors to help correct our weaknesses. I believe that is
why some of us can be "high functioning."

The description from parents for their child as "legit/legaleeze"
describes me to a "T". That is part of the manipulating I have
mentioned before. I think many of us are that way, because we are
naturally wired to seek out the gray areas. (Needing to understand
the world.) Our high sensitivity to ALL areas of the senses makes
us try to identify what exists on all layers. I believe the gift to
see the loopholes, the gray areas, are a way that naturally exists.
I am drawn to want to see, feel and make sense of a huge spectrum of
what goes on, rather than filter it out or shut down.

Back to your question- Suggestions for "how do you teach anger/self
control"?

A lot depends on the age and the environment, but many of the ways
you would handle any child with anger still applies, combined with
considerations for how our brain functions best. The examples I
gave you above should provide some reminders, but here are some
suggestions for things that have worked for me;

 Be consistent will your reaction. "That is not acceptable
behavior". Is a great phrase. Remember that amidst of our
meltdowns we may not always hear you, but if it is always said, we
will remember it. We do not want to be unacceptable. This is an
important reminder and teaching phrase.

 If possible during a meltdown to provide isolation, then do
so. Can you remove them to a safe spot? Call it a time out if you
want- If you can not move them, then remove yourself and others. My
interpretation of timeout is not a punishment. It is a place to get
back to normal-low stimulation, a place to re-ground, to think. It
is not punishment- I like timeouts.

 Remember your child's "triggers": Just like self reflection
is important for us to learn about self, replay the scene prior to
the meltdown and take a mental note to yourself for a much later
discussion with your child. Find the patterns in your child. What
proceeded the anger? How could they have prevented it? How could
you have helped? How could they have helped themselves?

 Use connecting for teaching-timing is essential: When your
child is in a good, happy place and you are having a connecting
moment, then bring up insight where they are receptive to what you
are noticing in them. (As mentioned in the tip above) For
example, "Hey Brian, did you ever notice that when you come home
from school it is hard to do your chores or talk to me? Now relate
to him, provide a visual and try your best not to make him feel
inadequate. Like; I find it hard to do that too when I come home
from work. I call it "shifting gears"…… fortunately when I leave
work, I can be alone in the car, listen to some music and make the
shift easier to home, but when I can't do that, I am pretty
irritable when I get home. Do you know what I mean about how hard
it is to shift gears sometime? I wonder if it would be easier for
you to take some time to yourself before you come out to see us.
Ask him if he knows of ways that would make it easier. Anyway, you
get the idea………..your goal is to give him tools. The teaching tool
in this example is giving him a way to handle transitioning if the
timing and situations seemed to point at transitioning
difficulties.

 Provide a place for introspection: I learned the most about
handling my anger by having a safe place or "cave" to retract to
afterwards. I needed to replay what happened in my head. It has
taken me a lot of introspection time to learn about myself.

 Suitable punishment: Again, time outs were not a punishment;
it was a place to bring the meltdown to an end. The time out at the
time of melt-down was essential. A punishment would be; "That was
not acceptable behavior." You just lost your right to watch TV (or
play music, or do video games) for the rest of the day.


 Social stories: -yup---stories + good, happy place timing
is a great way to provide tools. Everyone has a "window", a way to
enter and connect. Be ready to use the window to help your child to
learn about themselves-the more we learn about ourselves, then the
easier it is for us to avoid the things that get us angry or we
learn about how to avoid the things that make us angry.


Hope that helps-
Pamela ©2006


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