I will try to explain why meltdowns can happen after a "NO" is
spoken in response to a broken rule.

For many of us autistics-- looking at or tracing a simple geometric
pattern can be relaxing- Some may even call this "Stimming". I
could do this for hours. This is because the shape is predictable.
Solid rules. No changes. If rules could be that way, I would have
had no problem following them as a child.

Rules spoken by caretakers are often voiced and not visually seen;
they are rarely delivered or spoken in the same by all in the house;
rules are often not consistently enforced.

Some parents may think a boundary or a "no" has been clearly and
consistently defined and enforced. They may even think that what
they have spoken should be simple to understand, but depending on
the child and level of ability to see a rule as consistent and
something solid or tangible, it will cause confusion and extreme
stress.

---imagine if you heard the same song over and over again-- sung in
another language that you could not understand---I bet even some
Nuero-typicals would lash out in anger or frustration if they heard
it played again. That is one example of how it can feel to not
understand spoken words.

With a child not able to "get the rule", it is as frustrating. S/he
has heard it over and over again, gets yelled at, but s/he can not
comprehend. The word NO is also expressed with loudness and
frustration/anger by a caretaker. It becomes nothing but a reminder
that life and words are difficult to understand.

A child that is hitting, banging their head, or yelling is no
different than you trying to drown out that same frustrating song
that you can not comprehend.

So--what can a parent do? :

* A rule would need to be very simplistic, clear and consistent.
Try to always say the same thing

* We are often visual, not audio. Try to figure out how you can
visually show the correction. For example--- If you see that your
child reaches for a hammer, you may say; "That is not a toy". Good
and simple....Better is: "That is not a toy, this is a toy". Put a
toy in their hand, take away the hammer. A matter of fact voice is
good. Visually showing the corrected way to act is good. Just
saying "NO!" does not show them the alternative. Do this EVERY
time. Keep toys in your pocket if you have to have one immediately
on hand.

At any age, having the rules visually written on a board is
helpful. If simple words are written on a board, they have a
pattern and do not change in structure. They even look the same.
They are tangible and visually exist. By writing them on a board,
you can also see if you have too many rules. It will also keep
everyone using the same words and enforcing the same thing--

* The fewer the rules the better---safety rules are of course the
number one focus. You may have to let other things slide. Once
they are getting some rules, then add more rules, but do this
SLOWLY. When you pick a few rules, sanity check and make sure it is
simple---make sure you have a consistent way to show them the right
way.

* Make sure everyone in the house has the same rules and replies
with the correction to breaking a rule in the SAME way, EVERY
time.

* The "typical age" of understanding boundaries and rules can be
huge between children that our Nuero-typical (NT) and autistics. Do
not compare Autistics to other NT children for what rules they
should be able to understand.

* Similar to baby-proofing a house or area for a baby, do the same
for a toddler or any age child. Do not set them up for having to
understand a lot of rules in your household.

Pamela ©2006


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