Fitting into society has difficulties for many people, but it can be
especially challenging based on the circumstances. Imagine yourself
for a moment, moving to another country to live where traditions,
language and culture is drastically different than your homeland.

The discomfort you may have imagined is similar to what many of us
autistics experience every day. It requires mindful work to
function well in a society that defies our natural laws of
thinking.

TracyAnne, a fellow autistic, chose a career as a professional
hairdresser, which is rich for learning about the culture of people,
but this career can also be filled with human drama. TracyAnne has posted
before and you can find our exchange in the history log. This time she writes:
"People don't understand me"

"so i lost my job today pamela. i had a little boy and his mom come
in alittle while ago. i asked her 2 times if she wanted me to "cut
the hair over the ear"

she would not come over so i have a hard time showing her like i
normaly do. i have a 15 to 20 min time limit on hair cuts so i cut
it. i guess her little boy was happy because his hair was thick and
hot but she was not

she complained till i was fired she complained the first time and we
gave her free hair cut slips she came back so we gave her money back
she came back again and asked for the tip back and made shore to lut
everyone know she was not ever going to come back the she complained
to corp over phone she kept going tell i lost my job.

i feel so sad i tryed so hard to keep this job and understand people
and talk right but i failed again my boss told me i should have
asked if she wanted me to cut the ear out. she thought for some
reson i can not figure out that i ment did she want me to cut the
hair that lyed over the ear like a trim i dont understand why she
thought i would even ask her that can you the older i get the more i
just hate people."

Dear TracyAnne;

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your job. I can understand
your frustration with people. I often say I do not care for people
either, but we live in a world filled with them, so what is an
autistic supposed to do with this frustration?

First, I recommend putting this dilemma into perspective. I will
try to do this by comparing your dislike with another emotional
situation: If you got sunburned by staying in the sun too long, it
is justified for you to hold a future dislike for the sun, but the
sun is part of this world, so you take measures to make sure you do
not get burned again. You can not change the sun, but you can
change how you interact with it by use of sunscreen, hats, shade or
other methods to prevent from getting burned again.

In my opinion, people are like the sun. It is easy to get burned if
we do not change how we interact with them. Like the sun, we can
not change the source, but we can change ourselves. As you know, I
am a fan of the technique utilizing "awareness & mindfulness". As
stated in Wikipedia; "Mindfulness is awareness of one's thoughts,
actions or motivations." Both of those techniques are briefly
summed up on http://en.wikipedia.org/ ~ search by entering each
key word.

Your practice of writing me and describing the events is a form of
mindfulness or "De-briefing" as I mentioned to you in the past.
Replaying difficult or confusing events or keeping a journal is also
a good technique that allows reflection while writing. By reviewing
the event you wrote about, you may have already begun to see the
bigger picture. In addition, many autistics are often good at
picking out patterns, so finding your strengths, weaknesses and
reactions that comprise your interactions with others may allow you
to be more aware of how you need to deal with isssues as they are
happening or in the future.

Secondly, reflecting on highly emotional events like loosing a job
or on other confusing interactions is a good time to consciously
resolve and "erase" any anger you may hold. If you can't erase the
anger, then you carry emotions that can affect how you interact with
others. This may have been the case with the mother who was unable
to communicate with you. From your description, she appeared
distracted and angry by something else going on in her life. You
may have just triggered an issue that was already raw and near her
surface. If she was better at releasing her anger with other events
in her life, I doubt she would have reacted the way she did to
you.

You wrote a set of mantras last year that you were going to put to
practice after our last exchange. One mantra said: "We as people
are all confused trying to find our way through this black
tunnel." That was an excellent statement as were the others you
expressed. I hope you are still referencing to your mantras and have erased
your anger for this situation. If so, then you have done well to be ready for
the next job that will come your way.

Lastly, I do not believe that the major events in our lives are
accidents. Dramatic events catch our attention and are often the
perfect catylsts for our growth. People that do not grow, tend to
brew around in their own anger or drama. (Like the mother in the
salon) Perhaps it was time for you to graduate from that workplace
to another one that holds even more opportunity for growth and
understanding people. In the meantime, I wish you well in
remembering that "You can not change other people, but with
practice, you can change how you interact with them~One experience
at a time. "

Thanks for asking!
Pamela Kluth©2008

Dissemination, distribution or copying of this message
is strictly prohibited unless you provide credit to the author.