Greetings to the ASk Pamela Group!

I received a question from Norah in Seattle that I wish to share. I
will respond to her later this week, but I felt members of this
group would appreciate reading how she so eloquently describes a
social dilemma common to many Autistic adults.

I wish to also let you know that I will be holding a workshop in the
Seattle area titled "Inside the Autistic Child" this Friday night,
November 16th. More details and registration can be found on the
MindSource Center web site:
http://www.mindsourcecenter.com/events.htm

Pamela



Norah writes:

About a year ago now, I was emailing with someone who
advises people with AS. I had
mentioned suspecting I have AS, and was talking about
socializing with some co-workers
one evening.

She told me ***under no circumstances*** should an
Aspie socialize with co-workers,
unless it is something absolutely required. She said
we shouldn't even go to lunch with
them if possible. The reason for this being, if we
are around co-workers for anything not
job related we might:

1. Offend someone by making a comment about someone
that we think is neutral but
they think is meant to be snarky or a putdown. (Since
I think I'm careful in the extreme
about what comments I make about anyone, I asked her
for an example. She mentioned
an Aspie she knew who said "Who's that woman over
there? She sure is fat!" at a company
party or picnic, in hearing of the president of the
company, and the woman she
commented on turned out to be his wife.)

2. Ramble on about something we are interested in but
no one else is.

3. Just in general, being around them might get them
to see what we're really like (in
other words, different or non-NT) and might make them
think less of us, making it harder
to work with them and maybe making them like us less,
which might mean we would be in
more danger of losing our jobs in, say, a recession or
something, even if there wasn't
anything definite we could be fired for.

At the time I was emailing with her, our company was
having monthly "morale" events
such as barbecues at a house owned by the president of
the company, a MLB game, and a
couple other things. I mentioned these to her, and
she said **no way** should I go to any
of these no matter how much I might want to. Well, if
I did have to go to the barbecue, I
should offer to help with something that would keep me
away from the others, and **keep
my mouth shut*** as much as possible. When I
mentioned the baseball game the
company had got tickets for, that was another no-no.
I mentioned liking baseball, and
she said that I might talk about it too much to
co-workers who'd just gone to socialize
and didn't know or care about the sport.

I haven't really stuck to her advice over the past
year, but then I don't get invited to much
so I don't really have to worry about it that much!
But nevertheless I was very hurt and
upset by this wholesale advice, as all Aspies are
different, just like all NT's, and I've met
some very outspoken NT's. The thing is, I don't
think I really do these kinds of things. I
don't talk about stuff when I see others aren't
interested. If I'm not sure, I don't talk much
at all except to comment. I know for the most part
what an offensive comment might be,
and would be very sensitive not to say something that
might hurt someone or get them
mad at me. And even NT's can say some things that
might be hurtful without the NT
meaning to hurt this person--this is part of being
human.

Anyway, we have the annual holiday party coming up in
about a month. It's at a fancy
downtown restaurant, so I can't volunteer to help with
something during the dinner unless
I get a job on the staff of the restaurant! lol I
don't have a partner or spouse, so right
away that is one thing that will mark me as different,
though I don't think everyone is in a
relationship right now so I might not be the only
person alone. I really don't want to go,
because not only will there be all my co-workers, but
clients! Scary! I'm worried I'll say
something in front of a client that will put our
company in a bad light and cause us to lose
business. Or I might somehow reveal something to the
owner or his wife or another
influential co-worker that might make them dislike me
and think twice about keeping me
on if we have a recession.

But I'm worried if I don't go, they will think less of
me anyway. The HR director is already
thinking less of me because I didn't volunteer to do
something that my own boss didn't
want me to do anyway. The owner is also accustomed
to giving out the holiday bonuses
at the party, and the rumor is that if you don't go to
the party you don't get the bonus.
(This may be only a rumor!)

How can I get out of going to this gracefully without
making anyone mad at me?