People often want to know why making eye contact is so difficult for
some of us. Here is an explanation as to why I struggle with it;

Every person has unique energy they give off. I think most people
are aware of this...for example; if you get a bad feeling about
someone or something; they call it intuition. Whether good or bad,
this energy is out there and many of us autistics feel this on an
amplified level.

As a child, when I looked into the eyes, it was like someone had
turned up a loud sound to the point of distortion and it was very
disturbing. When we are children, people tell us it is important to
look at eyes, but it is not that we forget to do this…..it is being
able to cope with the amplified range of emotions that happens when
you look into the window of the soul.

I remember that when I first came into contact with someone and
failed to meet eye contact, that I could feel that person get
uncomfortable or I sensed fear from them.

My parents made no effort to train me to make eye contact. They
were conscientious to avoid bringing me face to face with people,
especially with adults. It was adults that seemed to be bothered
most by lack of eye contact. Most other kids were not. When I did
not make eye contact with an adult, I could sense immediately that
it made them afraid of me. I also found it interesting how this
person's energy would change and not be so tense or afraid once my
mom or dad would say…"Don't take it personally, she is just very
shy".

I would get frequent reminders from teachers and others, which was
insulting to my intelligence. It was not that I forgot to look in
their eyes, it was just too painful. When I tried, I could hardly
focus on what they were saying because of all that I was feeling.

As I got older and was able to start discerning the huge range of
energies and emotions that people express, eye contact was a little
easier to do. To begin managing what I felt coming from others
required years of distant watching of people and coming into range
of them in a safe environment. Most people thought I was alone in
my own world doing nothing, but I was very busy learning about
coping in this highly stimulating world!

To this day, as a business professional, I must diligently focus on
keeping eye contact without loosing train of thought and to filter
out what I am feeling peripherally. I quickly am aware of loosing
eye contact when it happens, because I can immediately recognize the
shift in energy in the person I am talking with. I then get back on
track with eye contact so that they are comfortable once again with
our conversation.

I hope with time, your child will grow into communicating
comfortably on this level. More importantly, I hope as a parent
that you are mindful of your reaction to them….your discomfort level
and disappointment in your child's failure to make eye contact is
easily picked up by your child.

Pamela ©2006


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