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The New Look ADD / ADHD Gazette
The FREE online ezine all about ADD and ADHD.
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*** ISSUE #17 ***
September 25th 1999

IN THIS ISSUE:
Help4ADD@HIGH SCHOOL
Test Of Varied Attentions (TOVA
New Mailing List For Parents
Pen Pal Wanted
ARTICLE: AD/HD & Relationships. Communication is the Key!
Slow & Steady, Get Me Ready
Resources


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Help4ADD@HIGH SCHOOL

I have recently read a stunning new book for the teen ADDer.
Help4ADD@HIGH SCHOOL by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0966036611/theaddadhdgaze
which is laid out like a web site with buttons, sidebars and
banners giving small info bites (or should it be bytes?) Down to
earth and written in an easy to read style, the book's chapters are
set out in small paragraphs with plenty of bullet points, making it
very easy for the ADDer with concentration problems to read.

The author has enabled the reader to dip in and out of the book
picking out the parts of most interest, without losing track of
what's gone before. Just a few of the sections included are:-

* How Do You Know You Have ADD?
* Exploring ADD And Your Family Tree
* A Tick List For If You Have ADD
* Exploring High School Hassles
* Medication, Therapy, Coaching And Tutoring
* Making Life More ADD Friendly
Plus there's loads more ...... including sections on sex, pregnancy
and S.T.D.s, home hassles, and girls with ADD.

Very inspirational with a strong emphasis on raising self esteem
and lots of super illustrations (my son especially liked the one of
the "ADD Toxic Teacher") this book, I feel, is a 'must have' for
anyone struggling to help their teens negotiate their way through
life and Upper School.

Particularly helpful are some of the strategies given to the student
to assist in navigating their way through the curriculum subjects;
math, languages, reading are all looked at, along with general
strategies for beating procrastination, planning projects, developing
negotiation skills, combating mental fatigue & dealing with distractions.

All in all, an excellent resource for students and for their parents.
Written in such a way as to encourage and nurture a good self
image in the older student, and packed with "ADD friendly" tips, I
cannot recommend Help4ADD@HIGH SCHOOL highly enough

Gail

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I got the following email this week;

"Dear Gail,
Having gone through this daunting experience this past school
year, I found that if your child has no behaviour problems, it is
even harder to get them the help they need. C, my 7 year old,
has ADD and it took a lot of determination on both my part and
her teacher's to get it recognised. We finally found a psychiatrist
who gave her the Test of Varied Attentions (TOVA), a
computerised test that truly points out any irregularities in
attention so common to ADD children. This test is the only one
that clearly showed C to have ADD. I would recommend that
any parent with a child like mine request this test specifically.
Thanks for your great newsletter. L.J. "

Anyone wanting information on T.O.V.A. testing can find
information at http://www.tovatest.com/frames/tovades.htm

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There is a new mailing list for parents, teachers or caregivers
of ADHD children with the accent on Hyperactivity. The
members of this group "really needs support as they burn
their candles at both ends." Helpful and supportive, the
new list will help parents and other caregivers navigate the
stormy waters of ADHD. Further details; kathryncor@...
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/ADHDkids

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PEN PAL WANTED

I am an advisory visiting teacher for ASD and work with a nine
year old Aspersers boy who believes he is alone in the world with
his problems and has expressed a desire to email other children of
a similar age with Asperses to just chat and ask a few questions.
We have tried a few emails addresses and he is losing hope because
he has not received any responses. Could I ask if anyone is willing
to email me their email addresses so I may pass them on to Matthew.
Andrew and Kathy Brehaut akbrehaut@...

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AD/HD & RELATIONSHIPS: Communication is the Key!
By Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D. and Marlynn Block, M.A.

Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums or
cold shoulders that arise between people in close relationships
can often be traced to differences in perception and
communication style. How we see and make sense of the
world around us influences how and what we communicate
to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone involved
in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an
understanding of these differences is essential to effective
communication. As therapists who specialise in AD/HD, we work
with children, adults, couples and families in numerous capacities.
Our experiences with these folks is "in the trenches", often as
part of a school PPT team, as coaches when emotional support is
needed, or as objective observers in the heat of family battles,
helping to prioritise issues that are causing unbearable discomfort.

We, ourselves, must deal with AD/HD in our own relationship.
Ron’s AD/HD was undiagnosed during the first half of our marriage
and there most likely would not have been a second half had it
remained undiagnosed! We are fortunate to have been armed with
a professional knowledge of AD/HD and first hand exposure to how
it affects couples, so we have been able to work on our own lives
and relationship with a clearer understanding of the differences
between our communication styles. We use this knowledge to help
our clients resolve issues that may have dissolved relationships
in the past.

It's not difficult to understand how the "triad" of AD/HD
symptoms — impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity/
restlessness, can affect relationships. However, we believe that
these "visible symptoms" have somewhat less direct impact than
the ways in which they have affected a variety of "hidden"
developmental characteristics.

Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were
adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of
pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them
survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with
their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring
about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed,
depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can't go back
and change this history, we need to move forward and realise that
the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a
changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity
to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful
manner and to understand why they made the choices they did.
But as we are aware, just understanding doesn't guarantee
anything will change.

Therefore, we work closely with our clients to help them
understand who they are; identify their strengths, weaknesses,
and the hurdles they have to overcome; learn what they need to
do in order to grow and experience a sense of well-being.

Who are you?
At our initial meeting, one of the first things we ask a client is —
"Who are you?" This usually catches them off guard. They
might have thought about the concept during times of turmoil,
but for the most part, the question never entered their minds. Are
they comfortable with their "gut" reactions to things? Do they
believe that what they feel is appropriate? Do they feel guilty
about not doing something or then resent it if they do?

Adults with AD/HD typically have a problem identifying who
they "really" are since throughout their lives they've tried to
change their personalities to fit the situation at hand. Adding
to this confusion is the fact that they can't often trust what they
feel. For example, people may pretend they are wise and
sophisticated, while worrying about being "found out"!

Making Sense of Interpersonal Communication
Good communication depends on people understanding one
another's true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to
be using. Since our brains work so much faster than our mouths,
we often use a kind of shorthand, which might have an entirely
different meaning for another person than it does for us.

When two of us interact, we often experience what goes on in
such different ways. If either of us could see the way the other
views the relationship, it would probably make no sense at all.
Adults with AD/HD must also contend with the three-ring circus
performing in their heads — they are paying attention to the
sound of the other person’s voice, experiencing past and future
fears, becoming aware of the freedom to or fear of saying what
they are feeling, and concentrating their efforts to get meaning
from the other person’s words. The more involved they are in trying
to be less distracted, the less involved they are in the conversation!

Unlike a "non-AD/HD" brain, which runs on batteries, the brain
of an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires
winding periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation
of thoughts and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD
provides stimulation and is a wonderful source of creativity, but
it often creates difficulties with communication.

Words and meanings are not always the same.

From our experience, it seems clear that many of the difficulties
experienced in relationships result from the fact that the meanings
of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite
different for the individual with AD/HD. It's as if they speak a
different language. This results in miscommunication,
misinterpretation and misunderstanding! Thus we often hear,
"That's not what I meant!" or "You don't understand!"

Problems with word retrieval cause misunderstanding. You must
know where a word is "mentally filed" in order to retrieve it.
Individuals with AD/HD often have difficulty maintaining an
organised "filing" system since the AD/HD brain creates so
many options. For example, a person with AD/HD may file the word
"apple" under the letter "A," or "F" for fruit, or "R" for round or red
and so on. She may file it differently every time. However, the
person who does not have AD/HD will probably file it the same
way each time, under the most universal choice — A for apple.

The disorganised filing system of a person with AD/HD impacts
communication in a big way, causing him to seem hesitant or
unsure while he searches through his mental file cabinet for the
right word or phrase. During this time, the "lottery ball effect"
takes over. Instead of numbered balls flying around until they
drop down the tube, a word, idea or fragment of an incomplete
thought may randomly and impulsively come out of the
individual's mouth. If it is inappropriate, he may then respond by
saying, "Oh, I didn't mean that!" Oftentimes, however, The
recipient of the remark has difficulty believing he didn't mean it,
especially if inappropriate remarks are made frequently.

A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person
responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this
information to previous experiences, choose an option and then
respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step
one - stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the
balls in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often
a surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because
of the difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that's
constantly being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only
becomes real when it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word
leaves the mouth that the AD/HD individual can decide whether
or not it make sense, and whether or not it's appropriate. So the
statement, "I didn't mean that" should be taken literally.

Priorities

The level of importance we place on something determines our
priorities. In our clinical experience, many couples have never
even considered that their different priorities can profoundly
affect their relationships. For instance, simple day-to-day
activities that require planning and organising may not be high
priority tasks for adults with AD/HD. A task that is more
stimulating, or one to which he may respond in a more extreme
or "emotional" manner, is more likely to be a higher priority.

Differences in priorities and time urgencies are often reflected
in the "no big deal" response. For example, walking past a bag
of garbage without picking it up, leaving the lawn covered with
leaves, or even driving past the library with overdue books and
not returning them may not make any sense to some. In the mind
of the adult with AD/HD, however, it is "no big deal", since
their thought is "it will get done eventually."

Becoming Aware, Accepting Our Differences and
Developing an Action Plan

Adults with AD/HD are complex individuals. Adding to this
inherent complexity are the emotional defences resulting from
years of being misunderstood and not trusted or believed. One
goal is to be aware of what triggers these defences, thereby
reducing anxiety and anger, which allows the AD/HD adult to
incorporate the tools for improving interpersonal relationships.

Acknowledging and accepting differences helps the adult with
AD/HD to feel respected as a separate person. Only at that point,
can the process of successfully negotiating differences & working
on those issues or behaviours that may be inappropriate begin.

An "action plan" usually involves change, either in behaviour,
attitude, environment, or responsibility. Change is an essential
part of life, yet one which can be extremely painful for many people.
There is not much hope for a relationship in which one person
takes no steps to change. Often, we find that the non-AD/HD
person is more hesitant to change, because it has been easier to
blame all past problems on her partner’s AD/HD. On the other
hand, partners with AD/HD often believe that the partner must
accept AD/HD as an "excuse" for certain behaviours.

Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable
behaviour. When a person who does not have the disorder
seeks a support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD
who is sloppy, has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a
job, in some cases, our advice is to forget it! Behaviours that
lead to disorganisation, screaming or unemployment can be
changed, but only if the person with the problems is able and
willing to make an effort to change. If he is not, we suggest
re-thinking the reasons for remaining together.

Getting out "poisonous" feelings like resentment and anger
is important, yet it's often difficult when one or both partners
have a hard time keeping quiet or listening without interrupting.
We use and suggest "emotion dumps", which are similar to
the "10 & 10" sharing time encouraged by the Marriage
Encounter movement. In this case, because adults with AD/HD
are often impatient, we suggest making it a "2 & 2" — two
minutes for each person to write on paper or via email about
how they felt that day, what may have bothered them or share
positive experiences. We suggest using "I" statements,
reflecting how the person writing feels, rather than what he
perceives has been done to him by others. Since this format
is not face-to-face, neither partner can interrupt, be distracted
by the other's words, or impulsively make a judgement leading
to a blow-up.

Another tool which helps gain clarity in the relationship is
the Top Priorities List. Each partner compiles a list of what he
or she feels are the most important daily and long-term issues
to be dealt with. In many cases, the long-term priorities are similar.
However, the differences in daily priorities are typically great.
What the adult with AD/HD may consider "top priorities" is
often in direct opposition to what the non-AD/HD partner gives
weight to, revealing possible causes of tension.

Essentially, mutual trust is fundamental in a relationship that
works. Mutual trust is based on the ability to correctly interpret
what our partner is trying to communicate and vice versa. That
process is the one that takes the most work, but as we tell our
clients, life never gets any easier, we just hope to get better at
dealing with it!

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--
Dr Ron will be visiting the United Kingdom in November. Any
individual or group seeking to consult with Dr Ron should
contact him on DrRon@... as soon as possible.
Thank you to Dr Ron for kind permission to reproduce this article

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SLOW AND STEADY, GET ME READY

A 324-page early (birth to age 5) childhood developmental
parenting resource, SLOW AND STEADY, GET ME READY
(4th printing) has achieved recognition in both the educational
and medical communities during the last 10 years and has some
outstanding reviews (including the May 20, 1997 Washington
Post article in the Style Plus section) and awards (including
the 1994 award from The National Parenting Centre).

It is also available in Spanish and will be translated into Mandarin &
will be marketed in several Asian countries, including China!
Details can be fount at any of the following website
http://www.geocities.com/~reviewcorner/bkslowandsteady.html
http://www.home-school.com/Mall/Bioalpha/Bioalpha.html
http://www.tnpc.com/mall/parbooks.cgi?936

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RESOURCES

New "UKplayworkers E-newsletter". A free monthly email
newsletter. Topics covered will include Diary Dates, Members
Requests, the National Childcare Strategy, Playwork Themes,
Reviews of Websites and much more.

If anyone has any relevant UK information they would like
published or you would like to subscribe to "UKplayworkers
E-newsletter" please e-mail M.Tombs@... for details

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -

I have just come across an awesome site for parents of
children with autistic spectrum disorders. For outstanding
information links, all sorts of advice etc check out
http://members.tripod.com/RSaffran/aba.html
It's a fabulous site, it really is!

Some other good sites for autism information are as follows:-

http://www.rmplc.co.uk/eduweb/sites/autism/index.html
http://web.syr.edu/~jmwobus/autism/
http://osiris.sunderland.ac.uk/autism/
http://atschool.eduweb.co.uk/autism/sec.html

The Townsend Letters For Doctors and Patients- publication
about medical info not always on side with mainstream medicine
http://www.thorne.com/townehead.html


Inclusion Press- articles about including special needs students
within typical classrooms http:inclusion.com/index.htm

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more points you can earn.) Join the most unique email trivia
game on the planet today! To subscribe, send an email to:
subscribe@... with "subscribe" in the subject line.
Or visit us on the web at: http://www.jctrivia.com
JC TRiViA -- "The SMART way to start your day!"

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IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER
Items herein are published for education/information purposes
only. Any therapy, product, service, or featured web site mentioned
does NOT imply endorsement by The Gazette. Accuracy and
content of any web sites featured cannot be guaranteed. Views
and statements written by contributors are not necessarily the
views of The ADD / ADHD Gazette.

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LINKS
If you have a website and are looking for links. I am happy to add
a reciprocal link to The ADHD (UK) Website. Take a look at my
site http://home.freeuk.net/theadhdgazette and email me to swap links

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SEE YA NEXT TIME ~ Gail Miller 1999
theadhdgazette@...