I 'm a 52 year old woman supporting myself with a full time job. I've
experienced much anguish during my life, but many good things, too. I
believe I have PTSD from childhood abuse with panic attacks from
stimulus generalization (like backfires for a Vietnam vet). I also
have bipolar disorder and it runs in my family. I was psychotic at
age 40 (12 years ago) with mania; identified it myself and got really
good help. It seems the mania has been well controlled and depression
also using lithium. I've been in therapy on and off for years. Lately
I've been so disgusted with the therapists, I've not done it. I go to
an HMO and my mental health professional is a nurse practioner who
also has a PhD in counseling. We have worked well together, including
having a much more senior psychiatrist come in and review my meds and
interview me. I suggested some of the meds (Klonipin at night, amount
of lithium ) could be decreased. He sent me his notes and I've been
afraid to read them--I never know what will set me off as far as
notes, medical histories, how a doc or practioner acts. When I get
set off I have intense panic followed by suicidal thoughts. If I
avoid all medical interactions, I am almost completely panic free, and
very optimistic (not at all suicidal).


My worst experiences have been with medical doctors, especially
gynecologists or anyone who can't get an easy diagnosis of my problem
(last year it was I had knee pain and man they didn't care and I don't
believe their diagnosis was right, anyway). I've had some unusual
conditions and all to human reactions from the docs!


So. I need help. I doubt cognitive behavioral therapy will work
because a large part of this has to do with classical conditioning and
the cognitively mediated fear to putting myself in an environment
where it might occur. I also do not have faith in medical practices
and feel some things might be good, but not necessary (certain
screening tests) and many medical practices are non-scientific and
based on tradition. So I don't want to submit myself to all medical
recommendations.


If you have any ideas, I would be very grateful. Thank you for your time.
stucker